Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve just realised that I probably am Autistic, although my friends and family will be very surprised as I mask very well. Much of my turmoil is internal but occassionally gets verbalised. I will be seeking a formal diagnosis.
Since realising that I probably am Autistic, I’ve felt like I’m in a constant state of meltdown internally. I can’t focus on anything, I’m obsessed with reading about Autism in women (I am a woman, in my 30’s), my thoughts race, I feel anxious and sick. Because I don’t KNOW for sure, I’m not officially diagnosed, I feel like I can’t relax until I know for sure, and also it’s like I’m having to reassess all my beliefs and experiences which I’d previously attributed to other things (laziness, depression, dyslexia, anxiety, just being a bit different, being highly sensitive, childhood trauma, an empath etc etc etc). But I feel can’t properly decide whether they are all due to being Autistic until I have a proper diagnosis. It would explain a lot of problems in my marriage too.
Has anyone else experienced this? A difficult time processing you diagnosis/potential diagnosis?
Also, a work thing has happened, a small thing really. A colleague has emailed a manager hinting at me not having done my job properly, or at least that’s how I’ve percieved it. It’s sent me into total meltdown because I know I have. I feel physically sick and like I might pass out, it’s a bodily feeling of meltdown if that makes sense? Like I’m angry in every fibre of my being. I can’t just let it go/forget about it/not worry as my friends have suggested. It’s a situation which is easily resolvable as I have evidence, but I have to work with this colleague and feel betrayed. It’s the feeling of not being able to let it go and it becoming such a huge thing when it’s not a huge thing to anyone else. This happens a lot. I’ve left many a job because of it and because I can’t cope with these feelings. It’s like wherever I go aI feel I’m being persecuted.
Is this a ‘normal’ Autistic experience? Could it be caused by Autism? I just feel so different and such shame for not being able to cope with situations like this which other people seem to percieve as just bumps.
I'm 34 and about a year ago I "accepted" that I am autistic...I had spent about 7 years reading about it after more and more people either assumed I was or suggested I might be!
I relate so much to how you describe the way you feel about it. I am finally past that stage now and as a result feel able to persue a formal diagnosis. In my area I would have to wait around 3 years to go via NHS route so I am going via self funding private route.
My husband has thankfully been hugely supportive and I think is as relieved as I am to have answers to my behaviour and life experiences over the years. I also have 3 sons and they need me to know "who I am" so I can focus better on them. We think at least one son is on the spectrum too so my being assessed may help to get him into the system.
There is lots to read about women and autism, I have had so many "light bulb" moments...my life makes sense at last!