Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve just realised that I probably am Autistic, although my friends and family will be very surprised as I mask very well. Much of my turmoil is internal but occassionally gets verbalised. I will be seeking a formal diagnosis.
Since realising that I probably am Autistic, I’ve felt like I’m in a constant state of meltdown internally. I can’t focus on anything, I’m obsessed with reading about Autism in women (I am a woman, in my 30’s), my thoughts race, I feel anxious and sick. Because I don’t KNOW for sure, I’m not officially diagnosed, I feel like I can’t relax until I know for sure, and also it’s like I’m having to reassess all my beliefs and experiences which I’d previously attributed to other things (laziness, depression, dyslexia, anxiety, just being a bit different, being highly sensitive, childhood trauma, an empath etc etc etc). But I feel can’t properly decide whether they are all due to being Autistic until I have a proper diagnosis. It would explain a lot of problems in my marriage too.
Has anyone else experienced this? A difficult time processing you diagnosis/potential diagnosis?
Also, a work thing has happened, a small thing really. A colleague has emailed a manager hinting at me not having done my job properly, or at least that’s how I’ve percieved it. It’s sent me into total meltdown because I know I have. I feel physically sick and like I might pass out, it’s a bodily feeling of meltdown if that makes sense? Like I’m angry in every fibre of my being. I can’t just let it go/forget about it/not worry as my friends have suggested. It’s a situation which is easily resolvable as I have evidence, but I have to work with this colleague and feel betrayed. It’s the feeling of not being able to let it go and it becoming such a huge thing when it’s not a huge thing to anyone else. This happens a lot. I’ve left many a job because of it and because I can’t cope with these feelings. It’s like wherever I go aI feel I’m being persecuted.
Is this a ‘normal’ Autistic experience? Could it be caused by Autism? I just feel so different and such shame for not being able to cope with situations like this which other people seem to percieve as just bumps.
NAS39081 said:Since realising that I probably am Autistic, I’ve felt like I’m in a constant state of meltdown internally. I can’t focus on anything, I’m obsessed with reading about Autism in women (I am a woman, in my 30’s), my thoughts race, I feel anxious and sick. Because I don’t KNOW for sure, I’m not officially diagnosed, I feel like I can’t relax until I know for sure, and also it’s like I’m having to reassess all my beliefs and experiences
yep, could have written that myself. What made me make the decision to get diagnosed was being obsessed with "am I autistic". Figured knowing that i was would remove that intense obsession.
And it did!
It does sound like me too. You describe my mind set so well!
I am 50 years old and a woman and just beginning to think over the last 5 years I might be autistic. Not sure if I can cope with being diagnosed or the process though.
Just going through a meltdown period when I seem to be getting lots of little things wrong as I'm interpreting them literally. This kind of panic situation when making a mistake or getting something a little wrong seems to be the start of a slippery slope leading (very quickly) to total collapse seems so familiar to me. I often know I'm right and have evidence but somehow it just seems that if that evidence is presented then it will be somehow be not enough or wrong and then the reality which enables me to cope is shattered. Actually not sure I am coping which is why I'm here.
I wonder if being able to explain it using "autistic" would be helpful. I worry that being rejected by going through diagnosis process and then being told it is not autism but just me being wrong would just be enough to send me over the edge totally. Also I have been brought up to believe that other people need to be considered but it is very very wrong to put myself forward and ask for things and asking for (or even giving myself) special consideration for "autism" certainly fits asking for things and so is wrong! ARRgH.
I suspect lots of non-autistic people also have doubts but mask them and use good social skills to cope and somehow end up good friends with their most critical enemy!
Like others here I have one son diagnosed (which is when I started thinking I could be too) and probably have to go through the process for another son soon.
Like you no one has actually said that I might be autistic though my twin and my brother both have had it said about them. I have learnt a lot of coping skills over the years but sometimes they desert me or the effort seems so much. It would be great to feel accepted not only by family / friends / work but also by me!
Good luck with the diagnostic process, I would be very interested in hearing how you get on! It is very heartening to hear that others have found diagnosis helpful.