Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve just realised that I probably am Autistic, although my friends and family will be very surprised as I mask very well. Much of my turmoil is internal but occassionally gets verbalised. I will be seeking a formal diagnosis.
Since realising that I probably am Autistic, I’ve felt like I’m in a constant state of meltdown internally. I can’t focus on anything, I’m obsessed with reading about Autism in women (I am a woman, in my 30’s), my thoughts race, I feel anxious and sick. Because I don’t KNOW for sure, I’m not officially diagnosed, I feel like I can’t relax until I know for sure, and also it’s like I’m having to reassess all my beliefs and experiences which I’d previously attributed to other things (laziness, depression, dyslexia, anxiety, just being a bit different, being highly sensitive, childhood trauma, an empath etc etc etc). But I feel can’t properly decide whether they are all due to being Autistic until I have a proper diagnosis. It would explain a lot of problems in my marriage too.
Has anyone else experienced this? A difficult time processing you diagnosis/potential diagnosis?
Also, a work thing has happened, a small thing really. A colleague has emailed a manager hinting at me not having done my job properly, or at least that’s how I’ve percieved it. It’s sent me into total meltdown because I know I have. I feel physically sick and like I might pass out, it’s a bodily feeling of meltdown if that makes sense? Like I’m angry in every fibre of my being. I can’t just let it go/forget about it/not worry as my friends have suggested. It’s a situation which is easily resolvable as I have evidence, but I have to work with this colleague and feel betrayed. It’s the feeling of not being able to let it go and it becoming such a huge thing when it’s not a huge thing to anyone else. This happens a lot. I’ve left many a job because of it and because I can’t cope with these feelings. It’s like wherever I go aI feel I’m being persecuted.
Is this a ‘normal’ Autistic experience? Could it be caused by Autism? I just feel so different and such shame for not being able to cope with situations like this which other people seem to percieve as just bumps.
I'm 17 and I feel the exact same way. My brother was diagnosed last year so I thought I'd read into it so i could know what it is and stuff. For years I have had this question circling of what is wrong with me? I went to cahms just over a year ago to see what is wrong with me and if i had OCD (that thought circled my head for ages) they didn't give me a clear answer. It explained why I might like things done my way, But not my emotions and other questions bothering me. I felt like giving up but it still bothered me.
I didn't however realise that girls and boys with autism or aspergers can show differentish signs, And how different everyone on the spectrum is.
The day before I started sixth form, I had an intense sort of research session on girls with asd and I really think I have it. And it's answered all the questions that have been unanswered for years I feel like crying whenever I think about it. And it's so hard even though I haven't struggled as long as others. It's like everything is clear now but i cant do anything until someone experienced says "you have it".
My friends and family dont believe me or are saying dont be so bothered by it until you find out, you'll just get sad if they say you don't have it. But I literally cant. It answers so many questions that I've bullied myself over.