Serious help please

I have adhd, Asperger's syndrome, and pda, and my life is currently in terrible disarray because I am not coping with every aspect of my life or coping with daily life. Please help me understand why everything is overwhelming and unsettling for me.

I remember reading a post maybe only a month or two ago that mentioned something similar, though only now had time to try to find it.

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/introduce-yourself/12590/waves-hello-from-east-midlands

Anyway, I agree with Cassandro's suggestions of getting support, as it does seem you are quite distressed about this. It may be helpful to mention autism while seeking help.

Well done, that sounds like progress. I'm glad you managed to communicate some of this to your dad.

I suspect that part of it will be acceptance of your desires, but part may also be learning ways to modify your behaviour in a way, so that it doesn't inconvenience you or others.

Getting support is the easy part it’s the making my parents awareness and understanding of the disposal hygiene thing u mentioned however I have just seen a doctor just a few mins ago and got an emergency referral for mental health and dad told them what my needs are and what I’ve explained so far to him 

Which is the difficult part? Getting support?

Have you followed the various links above? Which of the different theories sound like you and which don't? You do say it's associated with anxiety., so perhaps it is something like stimming? If we can rule our physical incontinence, can we also rule out not knowing when it is you want to go? Is it wanting to be treated like a baby, or thinking you still are a baby?

I would have thought this is something you could get psychological help with.

This is the other thread you've started:

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/health-and-wellbeing/12945/i-need-help-understanding-a-personal-issue-i-ve-got-please

I’m aware of that n that’s the hard part

Glad it was helpful. It may turn out to be less of a shock to them than you fear, and their concerns may be mostly about practicalities like hygienic disposal and support for you.

rarther than bottling the issues and making it worse than what it really is 

It’s not too theoretical as it’s actually helped a lot as it’s made me realise I should accept the issue and say openly to family this is who I am and this is how I’m going to live and be accepted only then i should be able to move on 

Yes, there seem to have been two people there who both use nappies and also other baby stuff as a 'coping mechanism' to 'help feel safe'.  So not exactly 'common', but not unheard of either. I also see two good replies here:

• https://www.quora.com/Why-do-many-autistic-people-like-wearing-diapers
• https://www.quora.com/How-many-people-with-Asperger-s-syndrome-wear-diapers-after-potty-training

So there are potentially other autistic factors besides sensory ones and 'incontinence' as it is usually understood: lack of interoception so you don't know you need to go to the toilet, and executive dysfunction and lack of sense of time so bad that you cannot go at the right time. Maybe AnominousBartonian would also like to take a look at that thread you linked to, and see if it is a similar need to feel 'safe', or more about sensory issues and stimming, or even reply there.

A final, fifth, way of understanding a psychological link from the Quora pages is an answer about 'transitional objects', a psychoanalytical idea of DW Winnicott's.  Probably that idea can be ignored or discarded. I kept a blanket with satin ribbon trim into my late childhood, partly because the satin felt soft, cool and smooth to the fingers (if I have a stim, it's that), but also that it recalled my mother and her buying ribbon from a haberdashers when I was four. I was upset when the blanket 'disappeared' one day. Now that could be called a 'transitional object' if you must, but I can't personally relate it to something temporary like a nappy.

Given all these possible explanations, AnominousBartonian do you see it as a safety thing or a sensory thing or something else?

AnominousBartonian said:

How I see it is I need acceptance and to learn how diffuse the situation and live life stress free anxiety free from odd stuff such as this 

So wearing nappies isn't the only unusual behaviour you worry about. I would say no one is ever completely stress-free or anxiety-free. You can certainly reduce the level of anxiety though, perhaps by reading a good book on CBT or seeing a CBT therapist one-to-one, and also find ways to defuse the situation with your family. Generally speaking, I think reducing the anxiety by being understood and accepted may also help reduce the behaviour. Focussing solely on stopping someone using a coping mechanism, such as self-injury or eating disorders, doesn't usually help with the underlying mental states.

Sorry if this comment is a bit theoretical, but I hope it helps understanding.

I wonder if this is a common thing in autism? Maybe a stimming thing? I happened to click on one of the related posts when looking at one of the new posts, and found this:

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/3640/coping-methods---nappies

How I see it is I need acceptance and to learn how diffuse the situation and live life stress free anxiety free from odd stuff such as this 

Thanks for explaining. If you mention nappies to your parents, maybe it could be in the context of needing professional support. Does the anxiety amount to a mental health condition itself? With autism and ADHD you should be able to get a Care Act assessment.

I don't think 'ABDL' needs to be extreme, although it's a new abbreviation to me and I know very little about it. My stereotype of this type of behaviour is the rich businessman who at weekends wears a nappy in a cot, and pays rather a lot of money to get a woman to treat him as a baby, and which may or may not be a sexual thing. I take it you don't want your parents or anyone else to treat you as a baby? If you do, you might be able to find like-minded adults, but not easily.

If it's not physical incontinence and you're perfectly capable of using yer average 'normal' ceramic sanitation, there may also be some substitute activity. I suppose a psychologist might help you find this, by clarifying the need they have been filling for you. In any case, standard CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) should be fairly easy to access, and you can use it to challenge thoughts about nappy-wearing or anything else that makes you anxious or depressed, and find ways to change your behaviour.

This looks like another good page that may be more appropriate:

https://www.wikihow.com/Know-if-You%27ve-Become-Addicted-to-Wearing-Diapers-%28As-an-Adult%29

I’m aware of ABDL stuff  I don’t think that’s me as it would seem extreme however I’ve got no support and I live with parents n younger brother but I fear them because of my actions towards nappies but over the last few years I’ve had to hide them and use when they are at work but I’ve found that doing that causes more stress n anxiety and so I feel that the only solution to this is to tell n show them and accept it’s a genuine thing that I need full time use 

AnominousBartonian said:

medically I want to have them

I don't understand when you say 'medically'. If you're not incontinent, there's no physical/medical need for nappies. There may still be a psychological need. I presume you can just buy them in the supermarket without embarrassment.

AnominousBartonian said:

I no longer want to be an adult about it

That sound like it fits in with the infantilism site again. Do have a look around it to see if it applies to you.

You said "want to use them for more but my concern is why is it I love them so much"... presumably there's something comforting about wearing them? I notice the phrase the site uses is also 'diaper lovers'. I presume you know about stimming as a common activity among autistic people - it might involve spinning, or rocking, or coloured toys in order to get a particular visual, tactile or vestibular sensation, so I suppose this could be one of your stims related to touch. Are there others for you, or do you have sensory sensitivities?

In any case, there's no reason to feel guilty. In fact, guilt is pretty much a pointless emotion, as the psychologist Windy Dryden points out.

AnominousBartonian said:

explaining to family

Do you live with your parents? Why do you feel you need to explain to your family? Even if you do want to explain it, you may choose to talk it through with a professional first, or find a support group with similar people (who are probably not mostly autistic, but probably are accepting).  What consequences do you fear from telling your family?

If you don't have a phone, you can also send an enquiry to the NAS via the web/email:

https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/form.aspx

I'd still suggest taking time out from your worries. Seeing them from a distance and maybe talking them over with someone might help them come into focus.

It’s both and obsession and compulsion for stress and anxiety relief and medically I want to have them but when it comes to explaining to family that I no longer want to be an adult about it how exactly do I do that and to expect the worse from it 

OK, that's not what I thought it was going to be, which was a phobia about getting caught short (I know autistic people with that). Would you call wearing nappies an obsession or compulsion to relieve anxiety? Or is it a positive feeling associated with wearing them? For some people it's a sexual or pseudo-sexual thing as part of 'infantilism'. You certainly wouldn't be the only one.

Wikipedia has articles on "Diaper fetishism" and "Paraphilic infantilism" but neither seem particularly in-depth.  This looks like an informative site though:

http://understanding.infantilism.org/why_want_diapers.php

It says [nappy lovers] "seldom need or seek medical help", so I suppose that's reassuring. If you have a psychologist it might be something to mention to them, and they could either reassure you about it, or see if there are ways to change the behaviour if you want to. If you don't know a specialist, then it will probably be something your GP would recognise and be able to refer on if necessary.

Other physical needs? Do you manage to eat regularly? (If so, you're probably doing better than me.)

I feel very guilty for such a need but I’m too nervous and ashamed about it 

I know it’s late but there’s no urgency for responses as I will check in often but my issue about continence is this currently I had no issues with potty training but when iI had the urge to enjoy nappies and wanted to use them so I did do but ever since then I’ve become really obsessed over the idea that I’m less stressed and anxious when I wear them and want to use them for more but my concern is why is it I love them so much even tho I’m not incontinent not only that how do I explain to my family that I’ve a need for nappies and how to accept the reality of it 

Is it difficult to explain because the usual words don't apply? I'm a bit like that with explaining my actions - because I'm alexithymic, I'm not sure what I think I intend to do is really my intention.

Or is it embarrassing? Or is it difficult to explain why it's difficult to explain?