hi I’m Gareth 26 Barton on Humber North Lincolnshire UK,
i got adhd and Asperger’s syndrome and pda currently my life is in terrible disarray as I’m not coping with every aspect of my life nor coping daily life please I’m begging for support as I need to understand why everything is overwhelming and unsettling for me
Hello and welcome.
currently my life is in terrible disarray as I’m not coping with every aspect of my life nor coping daily life
I can relate to that. I also have AS diagnosis, and suggested ADHD, and what feels like resistance to demands I set myself as well as those from others... poor 'executive function' aggravated by lack of sleep.
please I’m begging for support as I need to understand why everything is overwhelming and unsettling for me
Is it really 'everything' though? Or is it some of the things you think you should be able to cope with and so are preoccupying you? Just pick one thing then... what do you think your body needs - water, food, sleep...? Relieve the immediate physical discomforts that you can Then go onto the next thing, a little task, without thinking about it for more than an instant ... was that overwhelming and unsettling?
Maybe tomorrow take a few hours off from trying to sort things out in your life and your head... go out and notice new stuff instead.
Who in your life can you ask for help?
Barely anyone except for on here
Currently the thing that is bothering me most is my over active mind about continence
I remember reading a post maybe only a month or two ago that mentioned something similar, though only now had time to try to find it.
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/introduce-yourself/12590/waves-hello-from-east-midlands
Anyway, I agree with Cassandro's suggestions of getting support, as it does seem you are quite distressed about this. It may be helpful to mention autism while seeking help.
Well done, that sounds like progress. I'm glad you managed to communicate some of this to your dad.
I suspect that part of it will be acceptance of your desires, but part may also be learning ways to modify your behaviour in a way, so that it doesn't inconvenience you or others.
Getting support is the easy part it’s the making my parents awareness and understanding of the disposal hygiene thing u mentioned however I have just seen a doctor just a few mins ago and got an emergency referral for mental health and dad told them what my needs are and what I’ve explained so far to him
Which is the difficult part? Getting support?
Have you followed the various links above? Which of the different theories sound like you and which don't? You do say it's associated with anxiety., so perhaps it is something like stimming? If we can rule our physical incontinence, can we also rule out not knowing when it is you want to go? Is it wanting to be treated like a baby, or thinking you still are a baby?
I would have thought this is something you could get psychological help with.
This is the other thread you've started:
I’m aware of that n that’s the hard part
Glad it was helpful. It may turn out to be less of a shock to them than you fear, and their concerns may be mostly about practicalities like hygienic disposal and support for you.
rarther than bottling the issues and making it worse than what it really is
It’s not too theoretical as it’s actually helped a lot as it’s made me realise I should accept the issue and say openly to family this is who I am and this is how I’m going to live and be accepted only then i should be able to move on
Yes, there seem to have been two people there who both use nappies and also other baby stuff as a 'coping mechanism' to 'help feel safe'. So not exactly 'common', but not unheard of either. I also see two good replies here:
So there are potentially other autistic factors besides sensory ones and 'incontinence' as it is usually understood: lack of interoception so you don't know you need to go to the toilet, and executive dysfunction and lack of sense of time so bad that you cannot go at the right time. Maybe AnominousBartonian would also like to take a look at that thread you linked to, and see if it is a similar need to feel 'safe', or more about sensory issues and stimming, or even reply there.
A final, fifth, way of understanding a psychological link from the Quora pages is an answer about 'transitional objects', a psychoanalytical idea of DW Winnicott's. Probably that idea can be ignored or discarded. I kept a blanket with satin ribbon trim into my late childhood, partly because the satin felt soft, cool and smooth to the fingers (if I have a stim, it's that), but also that it recalled my mother and her buying ribbon from a haberdashers when I was four. I was upset when the blanket 'disappeared' one day. Now that could be called a 'transitional object' if you must, but I can't personally relate it to something temporary like a nappy.
Given all these possible explanations, AnominousBartonian do you see it as a safety thing or a sensory thing or something else?
How I see it is I need acceptance and to learn how diffuse the situation and live life stress free anxiety free from odd stuff such as this
So wearing nappies isn't the only unusual behaviour you worry about. I would say no one is ever completely stress-free or anxiety-free. You can certainly reduce the level of anxiety though, perhaps by reading a good book on CBT or seeing a CBT therapist one-to-one, and also find ways to defuse the situation with your family. Generally speaking, I think reducing the anxiety by being understood and accepted may also help reduce the behaviour. Focussing solely on stopping someone using a coping mechanism, such as self-injury or eating disorders, doesn't usually help with the underlying mental states.
Sorry if this comment is a bit theoretical, but I hope it helps understanding.
I wonder if this is a common thing in autism? Maybe a stimming thing? I happened to click on one of the related posts when looking at one of the new posts, and found this:
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/3640/coping-methods---nappies
How I see it is I need acceptance and to learn how diffuse the situation and live life stress free anxiety free from odd stuff such as this
Thanks for explaining. If you mention nappies to your parents, maybe it could be in the context of needing professional support. Does the anxiety amount to a mental health condition itself? With autism and ADHD you should be able to get a Care Act assessment.
I don't think 'ABDL' needs to be extreme, although it's a new abbreviation to me and I know very little about it. My stereotype of this type of behaviour is the rich businessman who at weekends wears a nappy in a cot, and pays rather a lot of money to get a woman to treat him as a baby, and which may or may not be a sexual thing. I take it you don't want your parents or anyone else to treat you as a baby? If you do, you might be able to find like-minded adults, but not easily.
If it's not physical incontinence and you're perfectly capable of using yer average 'normal' ceramic sanitation, there may also be some substitute activity. I suppose a psychologist might help you find this, by clarifying the need they have been filling for you. In any case, standard CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) should be fairly easy to access, and you can use it to challenge thoughts about nappy-wearing or anything else that makes you anxious or depressed, and find ways to change your behaviour.
This looks like another good page that may be more appropriate:
https://www.wikihow.com/Know-if-You%27ve-Become-Addicted-to-Wearing-Diapers-%28As-an-Adult%29
I’m aware of ABDL stuff I don’t think that’s me as it would seem extreme however I’ve got no support and I live with parents n younger brother but I fear them because of my actions towards nappies but over the last few years I’ve had to hide them and use when they are at work but I’ve found that doing that causes more stress n anxiety and so I feel that the only solution to this is to tell n show them and accept it’s a genuine thing that I need full time use
medically I want to have them
I don't understand when you say 'medically'. If you're not incontinent, there's no physical/medical need for nappies. There may still be a psychological need. I presume you can just buy them in the supermarket without embarrassment.
I no longer want to be an adult about it
That sound like it fits in with the infantilism site again. Do have a look around it to see if it applies to you.
You said "want to use them for more but my concern is why is it I love them so much"... presumably there's something comforting about wearing them? I notice the phrase the site uses is also 'diaper lovers'. I presume you know about stimming as a common activity among autistic people - it might involve spinning, or rocking, or coloured toys in order to get a particular visual, tactile or vestibular sensation, so I suppose this could be one of your stims related to touch. Are there others for you, or do you have sensory sensitivities?
In any case, there's no reason to feel guilty. In fact, guilt is pretty much a pointless emotion, as the psychologist Windy Dryden points out.
explaining to family
Do you live with your parents? Why do you feel you need to explain to your family? Even if you do want to explain it, you may choose to talk it through with a professional first, or find a support group with similar people (who are probably not mostly autistic, but probably are accepting). What consequences do you fear from telling your family?
If you don't have a phone, you can also send an enquiry to the NAS via the web/email:
https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/form.aspx
I'd still suggest taking time out from your worries. Seeing them from a distance and maybe talking them over with someone might help them come into focus.
medically I want to have them
I don't understand when you say 'medically'. If you're not incontinent, there's no physical/medical need for nappies. There may still be a psychological need. I presume you can just buy them in the supermarket without embarrassment.
I no longer want to be an adult about it
That sound like it fits in with the infantilism site again. Do have a look around it to see if it applies to you.
You said "want to use them for more but my concern is why is it I love them so much"... presumably there's something comforting about wearing them? I notice the phrase the site uses is also 'diaper lovers'. I presume you know about stimming as a common activity among autistic people - it might involve spinning, or rocking, or coloured toys in order to get a particular visual, tactile or vestibular sensation, so I suppose this could be one of your stims related to touch. Are there others for you, or do you have sensory sensitivities?
In any case, there's no reason to feel guilty. In fact, guilt is pretty much a pointless emotion, as the psychologist Windy Dryden points out.
explaining to family
Do you live with your parents? Why do you feel you need to explain to your family? Even if you do want to explain it, you may choose to talk it through with a professional first, or find a support group with similar people (who are probably not mostly autistic, but probably are accepting). What consequences do you fear from telling your family?
If you don't have a phone, you can also send an enquiry to the NAS via the web/email:
https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/form.aspx
I'd still suggest taking time out from your worries. Seeing them from a distance and maybe talking them over with someone might help them come into focus.
I remember reading a post maybe only a month or two ago that mentioned something similar, though only now had time to try to find it.
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/introduce-yourself/12590/waves-hello-from-east-midlands
Anyway, I agree with Cassandro's suggestions of getting support, as it does seem you are quite distressed about this. It may be helpful to mention autism while seeking help.
Well done, that sounds like progress. I'm glad you managed to communicate some of this to your dad.
I suspect that part of it will be acceptance of your desires, but part may also be learning ways to modify your behaviour in a way, so that it doesn't inconvenience you or others.
Getting support is the easy part it’s the making my parents awareness and understanding of the disposal hygiene thing u mentioned however I have just seen a doctor just a few mins ago and got an emergency referral for mental health and dad told them what my needs are and what I’ve explained so far to him
Which is the difficult part? Getting support?
Have you followed the various links above? Which of the different theories sound like you and which don't? You do say it's associated with anxiety., so perhaps it is something like stimming? If we can rule our physical incontinence, can we also rule out not knowing when it is you want to go? Is it wanting to be treated like a baby, or thinking you still are a baby?
I would have thought this is something you could get psychological help with.
This is the other thread you've started:
I’m aware of that n that’s the hard part
Glad it was helpful. It may turn out to be less of a shock to them than you fear, and their concerns may be mostly about practicalities like hygienic disposal and support for you.
rarther than bottling the issues and making it worse than what it really is
It’s not too theoretical as it’s actually helped a lot as it’s made me realise I should accept the issue and say openly to family this is who I am and this is how I’m going to live and be accepted only then i should be able to move on
Yes, there seem to have been two people there who both use nappies and also other baby stuff as a 'coping mechanism' to 'help feel safe'. So not exactly 'common', but not unheard of either. I also see two good replies here:
So there are potentially other autistic factors besides sensory ones and 'incontinence' as it is usually understood: lack of interoception so you don't know you need to go to the toilet, and executive dysfunction and lack of sense of time so bad that you cannot go at the right time. Maybe AnominousBartonian would also like to take a look at that thread you linked to, and see if it is a similar need to feel 'safe', or more about sensory issues and stimming, or even reply there.
A final, fifth, way of understanding a psychological link from the Quora pages is an answer about 'transitional objects', a psychoanalytical idea of DW Winnicott's. Probably that idea can be ignored or discarded. I kept a blanket with satin ribbon trim into my late childhood, partly because the satin felt soft, cool and smooth to the fingers (if I have a stim, it's that), but also that it recalled my mother and her buying ribbon from a haberdashers when I was four. I was upset when the blanket 'disappeared' one day. Now that could be called a 'transitional object' if you must, but I can't personally relate it to something temporary like a nappy.
Given all these possible explanations, AnominousBartonian do you see it as a safety thing or a sensory thing or something else?
How I see it is I need acceptance and to learn how diffuse the situation and live life stress free anxiety free from odd stuff such as this
So wearing nappies isn't the only unusual behaviour you worry about. I would say no one is ever completely stress-free or anxiety-free. You can certainly reduce the level of anxiety though, perhaps by reading a good book on CBT or seeing a CBT therapist one-to-one, and also find ways to defuse the situation with your family. Generally speaking, I think reducing the anxiety by being understood and accepted may also help reduce the behaviour. Focussing solely on stopping someone using a coping mechanism, such as self-injury or eating disorders, doesn't usually help with the underlying mental states.
Sorry if this comment is a bit theoretical, but I hope it helps understanding.
I wonder if this is a common thing in autism? Maybe a stimming thing? I happened to click on one of the related posts when looking at one of the new posts, and found this:
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/3640/coping-methods---nappies
How I see it is I need acceptance and to learn how diffuse the situation and live life stress free anxiety free from odd stuff such as this
Thanks for explaining. If you mention nappies to your parents, maybe it could be in the context of needing professional support. Does the anxiety amount to a mental health condition itself? With autism and ADHD you should be able to get a Care Act assessment.
I don't think 'ABDL' needs to be extreme, although it's a new abbreviation to me and I know very little about it. My stereotype of this type of behaviour is the rich businessman who at weekends wears a nappy in a cot, and pays rather a lot of money to get a woman to treat him as a baby, and which may or may not be a sexual thing. I take it you don't want your parents or anyone else to treat you as a baby? If you do, you might be able to find like-minded adults, but not easily.
If it's not physical incontinence and you're perfectly capable of using yer average 'normal' ceramic sanitation, there may also be some substitute activity. I suppose a psychologist might help you find this, by clarifying the need they have been filling for you. In any case, standard CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) should be fairly easy to access, and you can use it to challenge thoughts about nappy-wearing or anything else that makes you anxious or depressed, and find ways to change your behaviour.
This looks like another good page that may be more appropriate:
https://www.wikihow.com/Know-if-You%27ve-Become-Addicted-to-Wearing-Diapers-%28As-an-Adult%29
I’m aware of ABDL stuff I don’t think that’s me as it would seem extreme however I’ve got no support and I live with parents n younger brother but I fear them because of my actions towards nappies but over the last few years I’ve had to hide them and use when they are at work but I’ve found that doing that causes more stress n anxiety and so I feel that the only solution to this is to tell n show them and accept it’s a genuine thing that I need full time use
