Suicidal Thoughts and Adult Aspergers

This may be of interest...

Rates of suicide “worrying” among people with autism, say experts

I've made a few attempts in the last dozen or so years.  Two were serious.  I was lucky to pull through.  All of this was before my diagnosis 3 years ago.  Since then, I've had lots of thoughts, and have even - usually when drunk - thought how good it would be not to wake up.  But I haven't acted.  I have this thing in my head: You can't know whether life can get better unless you give it the chance to.  It keeps me reasonably grounded.  That and having an animal in my life that I feel a responsibility for.  Even the smallest reason to keep going is still a reason.

People have always baffled me, but it seems to have gotten worse in the last year or so.  I have no real idea what anyone thinks of me, but tend towards the idea that no one likes me very much.  One thing I learned from CBT is to analyse a situation where I think that someone is pissed off with me, and see what evidence there is for it.  Maybe they're just having a really bad day and it's nothing to do with me at all.  I still tend to blame myself, though, ultimately.  A couple of people at work behave a bit oddly around me.  One of them, though - so I understand - isn't especially liked by many of the others.  She's quite young, very blunt, too free with her language in front of service users, etc.  She's also lazy.  But, for some reason, she can get on with the others and is always very chatty with them.  She makes sneering remarks to me.  Yesterday, when I walked into a room with only her in it, she got straight up and walked out.  Next thing, she's chatting freely with the others.  It shouldn't bug me - she's a rude, ignorant slob - but it does.  I keep asking myself What have I done?  As if it matters.

I'm just so glad I can be alone during all the times outside of work.

You say service users.. What line of work are you in Tom? (If you don't mind me asking).

Oh and everything you said resonates with me. 

Hi 1986. Autism support worker. 

CRI.  You got it in one!  And now it's 'Turning Point'. Huh!

Crime Reduction ya say.... I'm guessing CRI now CGL .... Same in our area, drug is now mixed with alcohol. The budgets don't help but neither do the one hat treatment ideas. 

Yes.  We used to have a wonderful alcohol service at the local mental health hospital.  People could go up there all day if they wanted to.  There were two groups, each led by a trained mental health nurse.  In the morning was a group for people who were sober, but on medication.  The afternoon group was for people who were sober and off medication.  Quite often, morning group people (as I was at first) would transition pretty quickly to the afternoon group.  There was a subsidised canteen, a quiet garden to sit in, a friendly and supportive atmosphere.  Courses were offered in CBT, Relapse Prevention, etc.  Many people got well and recovered through that service.

Then, in 2010, the NHS lost the contract to a private company who specialised in 'crime reduction'!  The venue was shifted to a new unit which seemed to offer more for us - but it was mainly geared to 'getting back to work' and hitting performance targets.  The afternoon group was eventually changed to 'peer support' only, with no professional leader.  After a time, that was phased out completely. 

Then, during the next round of tendering, the contract went to another company which covered all forms of addiction - so we started sharing groups with hard drug users.  The groups were eventually all phased out.  Plus, limits were set on attendance: six months maximum.  The idea was that they were so good at what they did, everyone would be 'recovered' in that time!  Of course, though, it was all about throughput and hitting performance targets again.  Eventually, all they seemed to offer was 'ambulatory detox' and 'Mindfulness' sessions - on top, of course, of the 'helping/pushing back to work' courses.  People stopped attending. People relapsed.  One chap, who'd been through rehab and was managing well in a half-way house, ended up relapsing and going back on the streets.  But because, by that time, he was off the books, he was still thought of by them as a 'success story' who'd passed through and out on his way again.

Hardly anyone I know from my time there - and I'm still in touch with a few - has any form of support now.  I guess I'm lucky in that I've managed to stay just this side of having a real problem.  But it's been hit and miss. 

It's all very sad.  And the problem is getting worse as the years go by, not better.  More and more are falling into the pit of addiction, oblivion, suicide.

Funding cuts is making it a difficult sector, in my area we've dramatically reduced from 13 million to 7 million in the first of a 5 year contract reducing to 5 million a year 

I have some experience in that sector, too.  Through work.... and personally.

I have some experience in that sector, too.  Through work.... and personally.

CRI.  You got it in one!  And now it's 'Turning Point'. Huh!

Crime Reduction ya say.... I'm guessing CRI now CGL .... Same in our area, drug is now mixed with alcohol. The budgets don't help but neither do the one hat treatment ideas. 

Yes.  We used to have a wonderful alcohol service at the local mental health hospital.  People could go up there all day if they wanted to.  There were two groups, each led by a trained mental health nurse.  In the morning was a group for people who were sober, but on medication.  The afternoon group was for people who were sober and off medication.  Quite often, morning group people (as I was at first) would transition pretty quickly to the afternoon group.  There was a subsidised canteen, a quiet garden to sit in, a friendly and supportive atmosphere.  Courses were offered in CBT, Relapse Prevention, etc.  Many people got well and recovered through that service.

Then, in 2010, the NHS lost the contract to a private company who specialised in 'crime reduction'!  The venue was shifted to a new unit which seemed to offer more for us - but it was mainly geared to 'getting back to work' and hitting performance targets.  The afternoon group was eventually changed to 'peer support' only, with no professional leader.  After a time, that was phased out completely. 

Then, during the next round of tendering, the contract went to another company which covered all forms of addiction - so we started sharing groups with hard drug users.  The groups were eventually all phased out.  Plus, limits were set on attendance: six months maximum.  The idea was that they were so good at what they did, everyone would be 'recovered' in that time!  Of course, though, it was all about throughput and hitting performance targets again.  Eventually, all they seemed to offer was 'ambulatory detox' and 'Mindfulness' sessions - on top, of course, of the 'helping/pushing back to work' courses.  People stopped attending. People relapsed.  One chap, who'd been through rehab and was managing well in a half-way house, ended up relapsing and going back on the streets.  But because, by that time, he was off the books, he was still thought of by them as a 'success story' who'd passed through and out on his way again.

Hardly anyone I know from my time there - and I'm still in touch with a few - has any form of support now.  I guess I'm lucky in that I've managed to stay just this side of having a real problem.  But it's been hit and miss. 

It's all very sad.  And the problem is getting worse as the years go by, not better.  More and more are falling into the pit of addiction, oblivion, suicide.

Funding cuts is making it a difficult sector, in my area we've dramatically reduced from 13 million to 7 million in the first of a 5 year contract reducing to 5 million a year