Published on 12, July, 2020
Read something on here the other day where some guy talked about the suicide rate in adult males in the Autistic community, not sure how true it were but it now has me thinking, what are your experiences, do you have suicidal thoughts?
My introduction thread explains my background for anyone interested
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/introduce-yourself/12880/aspergers-suggestion-by-therapist
Growing up I was a wrist cutter, I always have had suicidal tendencies. Obviously I've just put this down to being a depressive at times but in all honesty I've not even been depressed at times of doing it/thinking it. I now wonder if this links in some way, maybe frustration of not feeling 'right' to some sense.
This is all new to me and just about everything in my life in the past is now being questioned/looked at in a different light, very confusing.
I won't deny that I am having waves and fleeting thoughts about suicide, definitely not of the action type just yet but the thoughts are there. My therapist since the first session said I don't show emotion on my face unless it's an extreme emotion such as anger/happy etc, I got a bit upset this morning because the mother in law came round saturday and apparently she hopes she didn't piss me off as I seemed tense or pissed off, I actually really enjoyed them visiting so it came as a surprise to me today and I've related it to the flat effect with showing emotions on my face. It makes me wonder if this is what people think quite often, at work I always thought I was approachable but I've always known that other peoples perception doesn't match what I think. It's a bit of a difficult pill to swallow to know that someone thinks they've pissed me off when I think something completely different. Least now I understand why people have a different perception to me. (Hope all this makes sense, I'm venting a little).
This may be of interest...
Rates of suicide “worrying” among people with autism, say experts
I've made a few attempts in the last dozen or so years. Two were serious. I was lucky to pull through. All of this was before my diagnosis 3 years ago. Since then, I've had lots of thoughts, and have even - usually when drunk - thought how good it would be not to wake up. But I haven't acted. I have this thing in my head: You can't know whether life can get better unless you give it the chance to. It keeps me reasonably grounded. That and having an animal in my life that I feel a responsibility for. Even the smallest reason to keep going is still a reason.
People have always baffled me, but it seems to have gotten worse in the last year or so. I have no real idea what anyone thinks of me, but tend towards the idea that no one likes me very much. One thing I learned from CBT is to analyse a situation where I think that someone is pissed off with me, and see what evidence there is for it. Maybe they're just having a really bad day and it's nothing to do with me at all. I still tend to blame myself, though, ultimately. A couple of people at work behave a bit oddly around me. One of them, though - so I understand - isn't especially liked by many of the others. She's quite young, very blunt, too free with her language in front of service users, etc. She's also lazy. But, for some reason, she can get on with the others and is always very chatty with them. She makes sneering remarks to me. Yesterday, when I walked into a room with only her in it, she got straight up and walked out. Next thing, she's chatting freely with the others. It shouldn't bug me - she's a rude, ignorant slob - but it does. I keep asking myself What have I done? As if it matters.
I'm just so glad I can be alone during all the times outside of work.
You say service users.. What line of work are you in Tom? (If you don't mind me asking).
Oh and everything you said resonates with me.
Hi 1986. Autism support worker.
CRI. You got it in one! And now it's 'Turning Point'. Huh!
Crime Reduction ya say.... I'm guessing CRI now CGL .... Same in our area, drug is now mixed with alcohol. The budgets don't help but neither do the one hat treatment ideas.