Asperger's as a personality trait?

For me personally, many of my traits do not seem at all like aspects of personality - though certainly, having grown up with them, they have contributed to the development of my personality.  In addition, having spent most of my life so far forcing myself to "pass as normal", there is a big question mark over whether the personality that I project to other people is entirely my real personality, rather than an false persona adopted for ease of interaction with other people.

To take one example.  I may be perceived by other people as having an "asocial" or "shy" personality.  However, much of my reticence to speak up socially has nothing to do with lacking the desire to do so.  There are aspects of my condition which make the process of communicating more difficult regardless of how much I would prefer to be more outgoing...

• My processing of speech is very slow.  This often leaves me with little chance to express my true opinion.  I can choose between somebody else taking the next turn to speak before I get the chance, or to react quickly but say something which doesn't really capture what I really think or misunderstands information that I haven't processed yet.
• Reading eye contact and body language are not simply a matter of having too little practice.  My senses get overwhelmed easily, and my ability to avoid distracting stimuli so that I can focus on the right thing at the right time is limited.  I do well at identifying facial expressions when it is explicitly tested, but in real life, I just don't see them in the first place because of these sensory issues and problems with attention.
• Having to consciously attend to reading body language and expressions is a huge extra load on my brain relative to having an instinctive response for them.  As well as being very tiring, it also distracts me from hearing what is said accurately and processing its meaning.  It is hard to find the right thing to say when so much contextual information is missed.
• Understanding social situations also calls for a lot of explicit analysis, again a further stress on an already overworked brain.  Trouble with judging the appropriateness of what I'm going so say leads to anxiety and self-censorship (often "playing it safe" by simply being agreeable whether or not I truly feel that way.)
• Too much sensory input can simply overwhelm me to the point of shutting down.  If I feel that this is imminent, I have to remove myself from the situation, regardless of how much I would like to spend more time with the people present.

I do agree that the above, as with any other trait associated with autism, exist on a continuum, without any distinct boundary at which they become a disability or dysfunction.  However, I feel that the above are purely perceptual and cognitive traits.  Rather than being part of my personality, they are actually hurdles which impair my ability to express who I really am.  I would prefer that I could communicate with people more and feel more connected to them, and it frustrates me when I cannot, particularly when it gives other people a false sense of who I am or how I feel about them.

A similar argument could be made for the executive functioning issues which I experience, which can sometimes prevent me from initiating an action even when I desire it, can clearly see the benefits of it, and have all the necessary resources at my disposal.

In fact, this is largely how I define which of my autistic traits I consider to be disabilities - they are the parts which hinder me from acting on the needs and desires of my true self, or from negotiating reasonable compromises with the world around me.  However, by this definition, it is also perfectly reasonable that not all autistic people need identify themselves as disabled (or even as autistic at all), as their personality and their autistic traits may be in harmony with each other.

I haven't read the article but I agree with everything Trogliddite says. I would class myself as outgoing, yet I spend most of my time by myself. Not through choice exactly, but because I am so tired from all the 'masking' and I've come to the point where I am no longer able to do it. It's because of my personality that I've come this far and because of my personality that I need to rethink my whole life. Now I know why, to some degree, that I have all these difficulties, or at least I have a name for them, I can come at them from a different angel. I no longer have to fight them but I also can no longer ignore them. Autism shaped my personality, but the personality that the world sees (other than my autistic friends) is not who I am. But I no longer have anything to prove anything anymore, I can learn to be myself. 

Thank you Trogluddite you have basically written how I feel, how I am, not exact but pretty much who I am and how I cope day to day and have for most of my life.

blueray you are in a similar place as myself.

I now understand how I have struggled all my life to co exist, I no longer have age on  my side or energy to keep up the pretence, 

i must be allowed to be myself as much as others will allow without seeing it as an encumbrance.

Hi BlueRay,

I am glad that you have managed to find a safe space to 'unmask' yourself and be you for a little while.  Keep on with those baby steps and you will reach your goals!  

You make a very good point about "not striving for goals which are not of our own making".  I've had the sense for much of my life that I lacked any sense of control over the direction that my life took - that I was running on rails which were laid by everyone around me.  For example, I went to university, which was disastrous for me, not because I wanted to - it was just what everyone expected a 6th former to be aiming for, and I had absolutely no comprehension of the extent of the changes I would have to cope with.  No alternatives were even discussed by parents or teachers, so I believed that I had no choice in the matter - it seemed that my course was predestined.

I realise now that "passing" has a large part to play in this fatalistic attitude I often have to life.  In my desperation to find something, anything, acceptable to say or do, I have learned to simply roll-over and agree with everybody around me - whatever helps me to avoid the additional social stress of a confrontation or seeming indecisive.  Endless procrastination whenever I have an important decision to make, and the difficulty of expressing my own needs, have resulted in me never learning to assert myself - I always allowed myself to be a doormat, and it has led me down many roads which I wish I hadn't taken, and regular burn-outs when I couldn't cope with what I had taken on.

I may have the chance for some autism tailored counselling coming up (fingers crossed).  Unlike any previous counselling that I've had, this time, I am going to go into it with a clear idea of where I need help, and some specific goals in mind.  Learning to assert my own needs is definitely high up in my priorities for that.

Trogluddite said:

I now see "passing" as a skill I can choose to use for managing certain social situations, not a cage that I'm trapped inside.

Loving this description, especially the cage part. 

I understand where you're at Trogluditte. I'm still in my hibernation/isolation/barely functioning stage of burnout/depression, but it's giving me the opportunity to get a better understanding of autism and me and it's giving me the opportunity of where I want to go from here. 

I feel like I'm in a similar place to where I was at the end of 2012, only this time, I'm not striving to reach goals that are not of my own making. I'm taking my time to work out what I want and as my support worker pointed out, I'm not trying to plan my whole life out, just where I want to go from here. 

I'm considering doing a masters degree in autism, which sounds like an amazing course. I think I'm going to have a think about the alternatives, to try and help me make up my mind. I think I should borrow your name for now, indecisive :) 

Yeah, same here Lonewarrior. In some respects I’m lucky that I live by myself so I have more freedom to be me, which is helpful, as unmasking in front of nt’s is not quite so easy after years of masking, but we can do it

Thank you, I am struggling to be acknowledged for who I am right now.

I cannot seem to get across to everyone how I will be in a better place and less moody if I feel better within myself.

i need to ease back on trying to always fit.

If I continue trying so hard but without the energy or ability then I will continue to hurt and that is making me less able to” smile” or be what they want.

I am not asking for total change for myself. Just a little more understanding for who I am. Tolerance of my inabilities, support where I need it, areas not previously considered by them I needed it. 

Thank you, I am struggling to be acknowledged for who I am right now.

I cannot seem to get across to everyone how I will be in a better place and less moody if I feel better within myself.

i need to ease back on trying to always fit.

If I continue trying so hard but without the energy or ability then I will continue to hurt and that is making me less able to” smile” or be what they want.

I am not asking for total change for myself. Just a little more understanding for who I am. Tolerance of my inabilities, support where I need it, areas not previously considered by them I needed it.