Published on 12, July, 2020
I recently came across this review of the book "American Normal", where they pose Asperger's more as a personality trait than a neurological disorder.
www.dana.org/.../
It's a bit old and there probably has been some development on the topic, but my experience makes me feel more inclined towards this perspective.
What do you think?
For me personally, many of my traits do not seem at all like aspects of personality - though certainly, having grown up with them, they have contributed to the development of my personality. In addition, having spent most of my life so far forcing myself to "pass as normal", there is a big question mark over whether the personality that I project to other people is entirely my real personality, rather than an false persona adopted for ease of interaction with other people.
To take one example. I may be perceived by other people as having an "asocial" or "shy" personality. However, much of my reticence to speak up socially has nothing to do with lacking the desire to do so. There are aspects of my condition which make the process of communicating more difficult regardless of how much I would prefer to be more outgoing...
I do agree that the above, as with any other trait associated with autism, exist on a continuum, without any distinct boundary at which they become a disability or dysfunction. However, I feel that the above are purely perceptual and cognitive traits. Rather than being part of my personality, they are actually hurdles which impair my ability to express who I really am. I would prefer that I could communicate with people more and feel more connected to them, and it frustrates me when I cannot, particularly when it gives other people a false sense of who I am or how I feel about them.
A similar argument could be made for the executive functioning issues which I experience, which can sometimes prevent me from initiating an action even when I desire it, can clearly see the benefits of it, and have all the necessary resources at my disposal.
In fact, this is largely how I define which of my autistic traits I consider to be disabilities - they are the parts which hinder me from acting on the needs and desires of my true self, or from negotiating reasonable compromises with the world around me. However, by this definition, it is also perfectly reasonable that not all autistic people need identify themselves as disabled (or even as autistic at all), as their personality and their autistic traits may be in harmony with each other.
I haven't read the article but I agree with everything Trogliddite says. I would class myself as outgoing, yet I spend most of my time by myself. Not through choice exactly, but because I am so tired from all the 'masking' and I've come to the point where I am no longer able to do it. It's because of my personality that I've come this far and because of my personality that I need to rethink my whole life. Now I know why, to some degree, that I have all these difficulties, or at least I have a name for them, I can come at them from a different angel. I no longer have to fight them but I also can no longer ignore them. Autism shaped my personality, but the personality that the world sees (other than my autistic friends) is not who I am. But I no longer have anything to prove anything anymore, I can learn to be myself.
Thank you Trogluddite you have basically written how I feel, how I am, not exact but pretty much who I am and how I cope day to day and have for most of my life.
blueray you are in a similar place as myself.
I now understand how I have struggled all my life to co exist, I no longer have age on my side or energy to keep up the pretence,
i must be allowed to be myself as much as others will allow without seeing it as an encumbrance.
Hi BlueRay,
I am glad that you have managed to find a safe space to 'unmask' yourself and be you for a little while. Keep on with those baby steps and you will reach your goals!
You make a very good point about "not striving for goals which are not of our own making". I've had the sense for much of my life that I lacked any sense of control over the direction that my life took - that I was running on rails which were laid by everyone around me. For example, I went to university, which was disastrous for me, not because I wanted to - it was just what everyone expected a 6th former to be aiming for, and I had absolutely no comprehension of the extent of the changes I would have to cope with. No alternatives were even discussed by parents or teachers, so I believed that I had no choice in the matter - it seemed that my course was predestined.
I realise now that "passing" has a large part to play in this fatalistic attitude I often have to life. In my desperation to find something, anything, acceptable to say or do, I have learned to simply roll-over and agree with everybody around me - whatever helps me to avoid the additional social stress of a confrontation or seeming indecisive. Endless procrastination whenever I have an important decision to make, and the difficulty of expressing my own needs, have resulted in me never learning to assert myself - I always allowed myself to be a doormat, and it has led me down many roads which I wish I hadn't taken, and regular burn-outs when I couldn't cope with what I had taken on.
I may have the chance for some autism tailored counselling coming up (fingers crossed). Unlike any previous counselling that I've had, this time, I am going to go into it with a clear idea of where I need help, and some specific goals in mind. Learning to assert my own needs is definitely high up in my priorities for that.
Trogluddite said:I now see "passing" as a skill I can choose to use for managing certain social situations, not a cage that I'm trapped inside.
Loving this description, especially the cage part.