Asperger's as a personality trait?

Hi BlueRay,

I am glad that you have managed to find a safe space to 'unmask' yourself and be you for a little while.  Keep on with those baby steps and you will reach your goals!  

I hate those blocks I get them so much. Like you know what you want to do and how to do get there but you just can't seem to manage to take the final step. I agree with everything you said !

You make a very good point about "not striving for goals which are not of our own making".  I've had the sense for much of my life that I lacked any sense of control over the direction that my life took - that I was running on rails which were laid by everyone around me.  For example, I went to university, which was disastrous for me, not because I wanted to - it was just what everyone expected a 6th former to be aiming for, and I had absolutely no comprehension of the extent of the changes I would have to cope with.  No alternatives were even discussed by parents or teachers, so I believed that I had no choice in the matter - it seemed that my course was predestined.

I realise now that "passing" has a large part to play in this fatalistic attitude I often have to life.  In my desperation to find something, anything, acceptable to say or do, I have learned to simply roll-over and agree with everybody around me - whatever helps me to avoid the additional social stress of a confrontation or seeming indecisive.  Endless procrastination whenever I have an important decision to make, and the difficulty of expressing my own needs, have resulted in me never learning to assert myself - I always allowed myself to be a doormat, and it has led me down many roads which I wish I hadn't taken, and regular burn-outs when I couldn't cope with what I had taken on.

I may have the chance for some autism tailored counselling coming up (fingers crossed).  Unlike any previous counselling that I've had, this time, I am going to go into it with a clear idea of where I need help, and some specific goals in mind.  Learning to assert my own needs is definitely high up in my priorities for that.

Trogluddite said:

I now see "passing" as a skill I can choose to use for managing certain social situations, not a cage that I'm trapped inside.

Loving this description, especially the cage part. 

I understand where you're at Trogluditte. I'm still in my hibernation/isolation/barely functioning stage of burnout/depression, but it's giving me the opportunity to get a better understanding of autism and me and it's giving me the opportunity of where I want to go from here. 

I feel like I'm in a similar place to where I was at the end of 2012, only this time, I'm not striving to reach goals that are not of my own making. I'm taking my time to work out what I want and as my support worker pointed out, I'm not trying to plan my whole life out, just where I want to go from here. 

I'm considering doing a masters degree in autism, which sounds like an amazing course. I think I'm going to have a think about the alternatives, to try and help me make up my mind. I think I should borrow your name for now, indecisive :) 

It can be confusing, for me anyway. When I feel good about my autism, it's like I feel clear about it and what it is etc but when I feel a bit burned out, like I do right now, I can barely make sense of anything. 

I've  just finished reading the article. I'm not great at reading just now, so I'm not sure how much of the article I fully understood. But I do know that I've been able to understand what I now understand as autism, in many different ways, from many different angels over the years. From psychological perspectives, spiritual, social etc, but there are some things that just can't be explained, which I now put down to autism. This is where the personality thing comes in for me. I can see I have my personality, including the masking side of things, I have my family history and upbringing etc but there is something which separates me from the 'norm' which also relates me to other autistic people. I've noticed this more since I've been going to a local autism group and how I just seem to get on much easier with autistic people than I do nt's. There are still many different personalities within the autism community and some I gravitate towards more than others but it's like that underlying level of anxiety has been removed when I'm with autistic people and there's this silent knowing that we understand each other, regardless of our personalities, lifestyles etc. 

I'm currently a little obsessed with autism. I knew nothing of it growing up and right up until the moment I suddenly realised I was autistic, I had a misconception of it. The realisation came in a sudden instant after I had prayed to the aliens to not leave me alone on this earth. And it's almost like, I find it odd that they (psychiatrists etc) analyse us so much, like there's something wrong with us, to me, it just seems like we're different, in the way we're wired up, let's say, and we just need to learn how to live, as us, in a world that is becoming increasingly difficult for us to get by in. For example, years ago, when life was simpler with more rigid daily routines and less sensory stimulation, we probably fared better. But in today's world, where there seems to be increasing amounts of pressure on all people at all ages to meet certain standards, it can be particularly challenging for us, and to avoid the burnouts and crashes into depression. 

I'm starting to realise that I am experiencing depression right now, so I'm giving myself time and space and although taking baby steps drives me crazy at times, I've made more progress out of this depression/burn out in the last couple of months of taking baby steps than I have in the last 12 months. 

Thank you very much for your responses, this is quite revealing and helpful. As I said in my other thread, I'm still coming to terms with what AS is and how it shows in my life. I grew up knowing nothing about this, so my experience is definitely different to all your experiences.

The thing that resonated the most with me of your experiences are the executive functioning issues. It's actually the reason I started looking into AS, because I suffer a lot of blocks. I know what I have to do, I know how to do it, I know that it's going to be good for me, and yet I cannot do it. Sometimes I can break the block, but I would still have to deal with a lot of friction. Some other times I will never do it, or do it badly and when it's already too late.

I don't think I "stim" or "pass". I do have a couple of gestures I do when I'm nervous, but only in certain contexts and they feel natural (briefly scratching my nose, for example). Not having to "pass" might be related with how I've always seen people and society. I never believed in "normality", everyone has their own quirks. Some are more pronounced than others but no one is "normal" by default. Everyone is trying their best to be "normal", whatever their definition of "normal" is.

People who know me, know that I'm sociable and that I'm happy to chat about anything, but they also know that I don't like parties or big groups of people. The only times I could say I've been "passing" is when I've been to parties that were important and I couldn't avoid. Sometimes I end up having a good time, sometimes I don't, but I don't really see it as "passing" because I know of many other people who have to make an effort to go to these things.

So, in general, although I'm sociable and caring, I feel more like a loner. I prefer being on my own to hanging out with friends, as much as I love them. They just think of me as an introvert, and they respect that.

When I asked if Asperger's could be a personality trait, was mostly because I believe personality traits are an expression of our own limitations. I believe someone with low levels of empathy is likely to become selfish, and someone who doesn't produce much adrenaline, or is more resistant to it, is likely to become a thrill-seeker and a risk-taker. In many cases this has been documented, like introversion being related to having an overly sensitive brain (e.g. you are so overly stimulated by the outside world that you turn inwards).

I'm not saying there is no biological foundation for AS, but in the same way we treat introversion as a personality trait, even though it's often because of an overly sensitive brain, why don't we consider Aperger's the same way? There are obviously times when AS needs to be treated, but someone can have a melancholic personality without being depressed, and you would not treat someone just for being melancholic.

Yeah, same here Lonewarrior. In some respects I’m lucky that I live by myself so I have more freedom to be me, which is helpful, as unmasking in front of nt’s is not quite so easy after years of masking, but we can do it

Thank you, I am struggling to be acknowledged for who I am right now.

I cannot seem to get across to everyone how I will be in a better place and less moody if I feel better within myself.

i need to ease back on trying to always fit.

If I continue trying so hard but without the energy or ability then I will continue to hurt and that is making me less able to” smile” or be what they want.

I am not asking for total change for myself. Just a little more understanding for who I am. Tolerance of my inabilities, support where I need it, areas not previously considered by them I needed it. 

You have both posted things which I've been trying to explain to a couple of my friends since my diagnosis.  When I started to relax my mask a little bit around them, they first said that they thought that getting a diagnosis had "made me worse" - I seemed more "impaired" to them.  Once I explained to them how much masking those traits had cost me over the years, they began to see why letting my autistic side out could be better for everyone concerned, not just me.

They were already well aware of my previous bouts of severe depression, which have been repeatedly triggered by burn-outs from the stress of "passing".  At those times, I'm barely a functioning person, never mind a good friend.  I become a complete hermit, and it hasn't been unusual for me to lose contact completely for months, as I become unable to tolerate socialising.  If I'm going to be there for people when they need me, or just to share some good times, I have to avoid these crashes.

The stresses and strains of "passing" slowly increase with every passing year (pun intended! ), just as I cannot run so quickly or jump so high.  Trying to simply carry on as I did before is not going to change anything for the better.  I'm only making baby steps so far, but I do think that, with the right people, it is possible at last to let the mask drop a little bit, and even these tiny changes are a huge relief.

I also feel that I have benefited simply from letting go of "passing" completely when I am alone. I had become so ashamed to show my autistic side that even when no-one else could see, I would censor my behaviour and curse myself for anything which I deemed irrational (catching myself stimming, for example.)  Being autistic adds enough hurdles to life without adding more of my own.  I now see "passing" as a skill I can choose to use for managing certain social situations, not a cage that I'm trapped inside.

Thank you Trogluddite you have basically written how I feel, how I am, not exact but pretty much who I am and how I cope day to day and have for most of my life.

blueray you are in a similar place as myself.

I now understand how I have struggled all my life to co exist, I no longer have age on  my side or energy to keep up the pretence, 

i must be allowed to be myself as much as others will allow without seeing it as an encumbrance.

I haven't read the article but I agree with everything Trogliddite says. I would class myself as outgoing, yet I spend most of my time by myself. Not through choice exactly, but because I am so tired from all the 'masking' and I've come to the point where I am no longer able to do it. It's because of my personality that I've come this far and because of my personality that I need to rethink my whole life. Now I know why, to some degree, that I have all these difficulties, or at least I have a name for them, I can come at them from a different angel. I no longer have to fight them but I also can no longer ignore them. Autism shaped my personality, but the personality that the world sees (other than my autistic friends) is not who I am. But I no longer have anything to prove anything anymore, I can learn to be myself. 

For me personally, many of my traits do not seem at all like aspects of personality - though certainly, having grown up with them, they have contributed to the development of my personality.  In addition, having spent most of my life so far forcing myself to "pass as normal", there is a big question mark over whether the personality that I project to other people is entirely my real personality, rather than an false persona adopted for ease of interaction with other people.

To take one example.  I may be perceived by other people as having an "asocial" or "shy" personality.  However, much of my reticence to speak up socially has nothing to do with lacking the desire to do so.  There are aspects of my condition which make the process of communicating more difficult regardless of how much I would prefer to be more outgoing...

• My processing of speech is very slow.  This often leaves me with little chance to express my true opinion.  I can choose between somebody else taking the next turn to speak before I get the chance, or to react quickly but say something which doesn't really capture what I really think or misunderstands information that I haven't processed yet.
• Reading eye contact and body language are not simply a matter of having too little practice.  My senses get overwhelmed easily, and my ability to avoid distracting stimuli so that I can focus on the right thing at the right time is limited.  I do well at identifying facial expressions when it is explicitly tested, but in real life, I just don't see them in the first place because of these sensory issues and problems with attention.
• Having to consciously attend to reading body language and expressions is a huge extra load on my brain relative to having an instinctive response for them.  As well as being very tiring, it also distracts me from hearing what is said accurately and processing its meaning.  It is hard to find the right thing to say when so much contextual information is missed.
• Understanding social situations also calls for a lot of explicit analysis, again a further stress on an already overworked brain.  Trouble with judging the appropriateness of what I'm going so say leads to anxiety and self-censorship (often "playing it safe" by simply being agreeable whether or not I truly feel that way.)
• Too much sensory input can simply overwhelm me to the point of shutting down.  If I feel that this is imminent, I have to remove myself from the situation, regardless of how much I would like to spend more time with the people present.

I do agree that the above, as with any other trait associated with autism, exist on a continuum, without any distinct boundary at which they become a disability or dysfunction.  However, I feel that the above are purely perceptual and cognitive traits.  Rather than being part of my personality, they are actually hurdles which impair my ability to express who I really am.  I would prefer that I could communicate with people more and feel more connected to them, and it frustrates me when I cannot, particularly when it gives other people a false sense of who I am or how I feel about them.

A similar argument could be made for the executive functioning issues which I experience, which can sometimes prevent me from initiating an action even when I desire it, can clearly see the benefits of it, and have all the necessary resources at my disposal.

In fact, this is largely how I define which of my autistic traits I consider to be disabilities - they are the parts which hinder me from acting on the needs and desires of my true self, or from negotiating reasonable compromises with the world around me.  However, by this definition, it is also perfectly reasonable that not all autistic people need identify themselves as disabled (or even as autistic at all), as their personality and their autistic traits may be in harmony with each other.

I'm interested in knowing about differences between AS in Britain and the US due to differences of culture and social expectations.