-

The fingertips are still where I left them....they self is also were I parked it....just wanting the two to connect....and a clear run! 

:) 

Hi Ellie,

How are those fingertips? Hope the bandages are not too restrictive. 

I have found that a comfort too. I think I feel guilty that I’m so exhausted but yes I have 50 plus years to unwind from too. 

It’s easier than masking though. The way I see it, is like I’m learning to walk again, for the first time. This time I’m learning to walk as me. First of all I’m having a rest. Then I’ll learn to crawl. It’s easy does it all the way for me. I’m like a little baby who needs a lot of sleep and a lot of tender loving care. And that’s what I’m learning to give myself. I don’t like to think of anyone else going through this, but I’m glad I’m not alone anymore. Having you guys, knowing I’m not alone, helps me to be comfortable and happy to be myself, which helps me unwind from the 50 years of confusion. 

Hey guys, I'd love it if you could check out my blog! sophiierebekah.blogspot.co.uk Its all about me, a 20-something beauty counter dweller with a love for hot sauce, living through autism, if you enjoy reading or have any content related suggestions get in touch!xxx

Yes so have I! It’s hard to allow ourselves to do that though. 

You just described my life and lifeline perfectly Misfit. Of course we are all, to some degree, effected by our social conditioning and yes, the role of the woman is to take care of everyone but in this day and age, to also be a superwoman as well. But I think us aspies are actually less effected by our social conditioning, however, when we are masking, we are living up to the social ‘norm’ which we of course find exhausting, anyone would. The number of roles a woman is supposed to play these days is insane. And it’s the same for men. Their roles have also changed considerably and they are often found lost and confused. 

So it’s not surprising that we are hitting these burnouts now, at this stage in our lives,  and it’s why I’m taking a stand. I refuse to search for jobs at the job centre. I’ve spent 50 years masking. I not only have 50 years of processing to do, but I also need to discover me and learn to be me without the mask. Then build my world around that. 

Reply to Angeldust re role of women.  I read your reply with much interest but was unable to reply at the time. Now on the forum are other women like me who have reached the point of exhaustion and I wonder whether it is related to what you have said. I have watched the forum over the few months I’ve been on it and noticed that age does matter along with circumstances. It seems to me as though there is a pattern; in childhood we start to notice that we don’t play or fit in the family like others do, teenage years are a battle, in our 20’s we are trying to study or work but perhaps still have parental or peer support, by our 30’s we are trying to live independently and juggle and noticing it becoming harder still, in our 40’s the tiredness and perhaps health issues including menopause  ( other than depression/anxiety) kick in and by our 50’s the burnouts are longer and less manageable and we are no longer able to mask. This is a very simplistic outline but meant to convey a pattern whereby the roles Angeldust suggested co exist with the effort we make and our health and social outcomes. So that females in our 50’s without support do find self care, home maintenance, family relationships and jobs if we still have them finally all become too much. I realise this is a huge generalisation and may happen to men too but it is something I have picked up on in the women on the forum. ? Hope I have not spoken out to disturb or offend anyone and I’m not trying to make my plight other people’s or to make it an excuse. I don’t have an answer either.

but you've always been

good enough

you've just been giving

the best parts of you

to the wrong people

r.h. sin

...Miss Elephant... you need not repy to this and so do not worry. I only Post this because there is a picture, stating some very good words, and the words I Post are what the picture says. I may not know what "r.h.  sin" means or to whom it refers.. (The Internet prevents me). I only know that the picture has good words within it... yet upon this NAS-Site the picture may shortly disappear! And that is that, and so Fare Thee Well, Madame.

I’m not surprised Ellie, you went all out over the Christmas/new year period, you need time to recover from that episode. Putting my arms around you and giving you a big hug. I think I can safely say you’re in all of our hearts, don’t worry about replies, we just want you to know we love you, we support you, we value you and we are soooooooo grateful to you for all the love and support you give to us. We’re all here for you. Take your time. xxx

Sorry to hear you are in such a bad place Ellie... you are such a thoughtful and giving person and I so appreciate the support you have shown both me and so many others here! You were the first person to really have a conversation with me as a newbie, that meant a lot!

Re-getting a diagnosis the most important thing is what it will do for you, not how others react. I've had my diagnosis a month now and I've had reactions from warm support to luke warm acknowledgement to no contact at all, the latter does hurt a bit but fudge 'em! I understand me now thats what really matters! My challenge is to be nicer and more accepting to myself from now on... I have no control over anyone else but I can choose how I treat myself.

If you can be even a quarter as nice and supportive to yourself as you have been to others on this forum then you can't go wrong really!

Hugs!!

Thank you to everyone who has replied...So much said and beautifully expressed.  I am currently in the bottom of said bear pit and in a low place.  I will reply to everyone when I can find the right words..but everything is just stuck in my head, heart and throat at present.

much love to all of you.. and thank you so much for being here xx

I can identify with not always being able to respond to posts Misfit. This is the first time I’ve come on since New Year’s Eve and sometimes when I come on, I can only read. 

I agree, I hope Ellie knows and accepts how much she is valued on here. You guys are my lifeline and my sanity. 

Hello Blueray I just wanted to say I identify with a lot of what you have said both in terms of yourself and Ellie. And I also wanted to say I have read many of your posts some of them with Ellie and they have struck a chord many times even though I haven’t often responded because I’ve been unable to at the time. 

And again Ellie I hope you know and can allow yourself to accept how valued you are on here. 

I was not going to Reply - because I do not do "Chat" very well! - but then I re-read your short reply. I personally refer to you sometimes as Nasally ENHANCED, and not "challenged"! (If you go for an assesment, then "pausing to think" is also another ND indicator).

And for more ND confusion, to your "Thanks", I reply: どういたしまして...!

Oh Ellie, I fully understand how you’re feeling. My heart goes out to you. But you are an incredible person, and you will come through this. Read the post I’m about to post, because you are central to it. Coming through this won’t always be pretty though, but that’s ok, nobody said it was supposed to be.

All I can offer is my experience. Of course we’re all different, but it helps to read the experience of others.

When I got my diagnosis, I thought I was going to feel relieved or excited, in some way. But I didn’t feel anything much at all really. I had a little inward smile, to at least get official recognition, but I didn’t really feel anything.

When I first approached the gp, however. I had a significant reaction, which I wasn’t expecting.

I felt so proud of myself in a way that I had never before felt. It was as if I was truly honouring myself for the first time ever and even though the diagnosis was still important, it felt less so. It was as if the act of me honouring myself was worth more than the diagnosis. It was that feeling that got me through the next 8 months while I waited for the assessment. I spent much of that time in the house, being autistic ;) researching American history and the romantics and all sorts of other great people.

What I wasn’t expecting, when I got the diagnosis, was the avalanche of feelings that followed. Which all left me completely exhausted.

When the Support worker/ wellbeing officer suggested I need to come to terms with the diagnosis. It struck me as a little strange.

I’m not sure that I thought I had ‘come to terms with it’. I had, in the beginning (pre-diagnosis) thought of it in a very positive way. I thought it was pretty wonderful and I felt lots of positive emotions. It hadn’t really occurred to me what it actually meant and I certainly wasn’t expecting what was to come.

Over the following days and weeks I experienced so many emotions and thoughts and realisations and transformations. In fact, looking back now, I’m no longer surprised by the magnitude of the exhaustion I’ve been feeling.

It’s been a whirlwind, although to people looking in, it appears that I’ve been laying on my settee, doing very little at all and it was about time I went back to work! They had no idea and they didn’t want to stop with their thoughts and opinions for one minute, to listen to me. So I didn’t tell them. I kept on putting on the mask, whenever I needed to, and made it so I needed to as little as possible.

When I got the diagnosis, I thought they (my family), might listen now. Actually, I think I probably thought that they ‘would’ listen now.

Their disinterest taught me a lot. It felt heartbreaking at the time. But what it taught me, was that in truth, it was me who needed to accept me after all, and it wasn’t their acceptance of me that I needed.

Once I accepted me, or at least came to accept that the only acceptance I needed, the only acceptance that mattered, was from me. Then it’s like a weight lifted from my shoulders.

I began to realise the implications of the diagnosis and at times I felt like there was no hope for me. Then I realised that I didn’t need anybody else to change. I just needed to realise that it’s not ‘their’ world, that it’s mine as much as it is there’s and that all I have to do is be myself.

I simply need to take some time to allow me to rest. All those years of masking have taken their toll on me and I need the rest. And I need some time to get to know me, my likes and dislikes etc and how I want my life to be.

That’s not as straight forward as it sounds, as the dominant thought patterns in the world are based on nt thinking, which of course, don’t help me.

So I realise I will be swimming against the popular stream, but we have rights, protected in law, and I intend to use them if I have to because there’s one thing for sure, there’l be no more masking.

So I don’t know how things are going to pan out. But for the next year I’m going to take my time, look after me, get me a little dog and a cat and spend some time just ‘being’ and see what transpires.

It hasn’t been easy getting to where I’m at now and there’s been some scary moments and very low points. I’ve even started taking a low dose of antidepressants. I did a bit of research on them and they have been found to help some adults with autism. I’ve only been taking them for a few weeks but they seem to be helping me to stop some of the constant crazy thinking, and face reality, instead of drifting off in my own world. You’ve helped me do that and the others on here. You give me strength and clarity and a belief in myself. I more than believe in you. I think the fear of getting a negative diagnosis is standard but for me, the benefit of getting the assessment far outweighed the fears. I was told that the centre where I was getting assessed was for autism only, so if it came back negative, I would basically have to go elsewhere to find answers. But I knew I was, like you do, so it was worth the risk. And even a negative outcome isn’t the end, they do sometimes get it wrong. 

You cant know what this is going to mean to you but I’m sure, like me, it will give you the extra strength we need to stop masking and start being who we are. How long that journey will take, none of us know, but I feel like now I’m on it, I’ve as good as ‘made it’ in life. So I guess, for me. the diagnosis has been a major turning point in my life. 

You’ve been such a major support in my life, it’s like you know me inside out, and not only do you support me but you also champion me as well, not to mention you make me laugh and smile and you make my heart swell. We’re all here for you. You don’t have to be strong and together around us. X

This nasally challenged Elephant says thank you x

Greetings. Everyone else has Posted very many good points and very many good things which I need not repeat.
Thus, I simply Post this: A "Formal Diagnosis" is most useful in LAW. In order to access certain services and "support". And so it is very very much worth it. If it fails, go to someplace else in order to gain it.
During any "assessment", do *not* pretend to be an NT. Be yourself. Highlight your "Social Problems". State what you know about being ND, and how it "impacts upon your daily life". State any "weird" things which you do or know, regardless of context. Emphasize yourself and not whatever they suggest. If it is scary and/or stressful, state this as it happens.
...To keep this Post short, I am closing it now. Yes I am weeeeeird... yet I am used to it, now. And I have a Late "Formal Diagnosis" to support it...(!)

thank you very much for your reply. it really helped me a lot and i appreciate every single of your word. i was wondering if i might talk with you in case i would need some support.

Hi Ellie

Well, I'm a 43 year self diagnosed Aspie woman and your post does resonate with me.  My partner is the only one who knows and he has agreed with my self diagnosis after reading about it.  However, he has not changed his expectations of me and as long as we plough on as we always have done then he's happy enough.  So is that good enough for me?  Hmm, still pondering that one.

I've pondered the 'diagnose or not' question a few times over the last few years (I realised a few years ago but didn't really ponder what being Aspie meant again until a few months ago).  I think it comes down to what it is you think you will get from it and whether after going through it all you will get what you want, or at least some of it.  I've pondered it as a cost benefit analysis (suits the way my mind works) and I keep coming to the conclusion that I can't be bothered with the diagnosis route.  But that's right for me.  I'll give you some of my bullet points for my pros and cons.

Getting a diagnosis:

1) Independent validation: Whilst I think I identify with the Aspie way of thinking I am not independent of the self diagnosis so I find it hard to be able to fully call myself Aspie.  Diagnosis, if received, would provide this independent validation.

2) Being able to tell people that I am Aspie: Currently I don't tell people as I don't think that they will believe me without a professional diagnosis.  I have become adept at masking, with people calling me 'weird' but generally finding me acceptable because I'm 'polite'.  Perhaps people will stop calling me 'weird' and accept that I think differently.  Though I do kinda like being called 'weird'!

3) Promoting awareness: I would love to promote awareness of autism to try to make some positive changes.  In order to do this I would need a diagnosis.  Who would listen to me without having had a professional diagnose me? How could I possible advocate for autism if I can't honestly say that I have any real knowledge of it.

4) Getting support: Theoretically it would be nice if there was support available to look again at things that have affected me.  Different treatment strategies for Generalised Anxiety Disorder may be considered rather than the limited options that were originally offered to me and were unsuccessful.

Not getting a diagnosis (or the other side of the coin):

1) Independent lack of validation: I identify with the Aspie way of thinking.  If the professionals don't agree where would that leave me?  Do I trust the process enough to agree with them or would I feel cheated?  Research, particularly on adult women on the spectrum is still developing and as such may not have been suitably shared across all of the autism diagnostic centres. The process appears to take a lot of time and can be stressful.  I have other health issues and a lot of family have health issues which takes a lot of energy so do I really want to spend any more time in the company of the medical profession?

2) Will telling people I am Aspie change anything?: there is an assumption that having a diagnosis and being able to share it will change things.  However, I'm not convinced that most people really understand autism.  To me, the fundamental thing about it is that you perceive the world in a different way.  I am happy to accept that because I have had over 40 years of observing a lot of people who I can see perceive the world differently to me.  So I am very experienced in being able to see how thinking differently affects a whole range of things in life.  The majority of people have spent their lives not observing such things.  How well will they be able to accept this concept of perceiving the world differently and what it means?  Will they just assume that I have to learn how to fit in, which is actually all that happens now.

3) Promoting awareness: surely this is a good thing!!

4) Getting support: As far as I can tell the level of support available to adults is limited.  I don't currently work so don't need to seek any kind of changes to my work environment.  I doubt I'd be eligible for any financial support as I've already looked at such things in detail for my other health condition.  I have worked in the past and I have a pretty good CV so on paper I don't look like someone who struggles (other than the diagnosis of Generalised Anxiety Disorder for several years).

Conclusion:

1) Self validation: As long as I identify with the Aspie way of thinking then what would an independent view change?   

2) It would be nice to be able to tell people I am Aspie but I am concerned about what effect that will have on the people around me, or whether there will be no effect at all.  Until I'm certain that there would be some kind of benefit to telling people then I'm not sure I want to spend the time going through the diagnostic process.

3) Promoting awareness would be one of my main reasons for getting a diagnosis.

4) I'm not convinced that there is currently a support network available that would make a diagnosis worthwhile.

I've no doubt that I will continue to argue all of these points in my mind unless I seek a diagnosis.  But I know my brain well and I know that even with the answer of a diagnosis I will always have more questions.  So I'm not convinced that for me a diagnosis would give me sufficient piece of mind.

Ellie, for you, you may have a completely different set of pros and cons.  Have you laid them out and looked at them?  What is it you really want from it, do you think what you want will be served by getting a diagnosis and will the process of going through it be outweighed by the end result?  Have you considered what would happen if the diagnosis did not agree with what you think or how you feel?  Will that change anything for you or would you continue to identify with the Aspie way of thinking anyway?

Always happy to talk through these things, but at the end of it all it really is only your decision as to what is best for you.

X