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Hi spotty I am sure there is nothing to worry about.
Maybe she just wants to start a new thread,?
The longer the thread the less it gets looked at, all that scrolling etc,
i am sure she will explain soon enough.
take care. X()X
Ellie, what is happenning, worried about you, I'd send you a PM but I'm on my phone and don't know how to (pathetic I know). xxx
Morning spotty,so know what your going through,
“Spotty tortoise said, It's a damned hard realisation that you've lived your life the wrong way, putting in such hard work for so long, to no avail.”
And to finally know that is a really big thing to deal with it is hard and has no quick fixes,no real guides to what happens next?, but to then understand that not being heard is not really the fault of all those around you,they were the very ones we worked so hard to fit with, including my OH who just wants me how I was but better,this is a cause for so much internal pain as I don’t think I can just go back to masking up to please.
So I chose my path, it was not enforced upon me!
All I ask is a chance to be me a bit more me!, maybe my frustrations and moods for years of fitting in where I wasn’t comfortable will ease and allow her to see the real me.
stay strong,we will find a way to co exhist. Work together and find a way forward.
much love to all. X()x
Thanks Spotty Tortoise, I really appreciate the welcome I am finding here. Small steps!
Having read the paper Ellie linked to at the beginning of this thread, I have to say I recognised quite a bit, so I am left wondering just how unique to females many of the items are?
Perhaps it is true that females are more likely to be late-diagnosed, but perhaps it's also true that males who are late-diagnosed are equally likely to face many of the same challenges?
Glad you’re here Spotty... missed you... I miss you... and you are needed and valued here x
Hi and welcome juteweaver, I'm in a similar boat, nearly 50 and awaiting diagnosis after my personality started crashing all around me. I haven't been here much lately and I think lots of us are having a hard time and hibernating at the moment.
It's a damned hard realisation that you've lived your life the wrong way, putting in such hard work for so long, to no avail.
There is a lot to read here and the female contingent have contributed much since the summer (with much help from our friends). Hope you are finding some kindred spirits here, I wish I could live in here somehow, but I'm stuck wearing the mask pretty much in reality.
Hugs to all who need them. ()()()()
Hi Elephantintheroom, just stopping by to say hello and read your thread on the recommendation of Martian Tom. I'm new to the forum, and like you am self-diagnosed and wondering what next. I'm 50 so you are way ahead of me on awareness! But my old self has been unravelling rapidly in recent years (after all that work I put into it too) and I need to rebuild but from an authentic place. Thanks for the link you shared - I find reading about others' experience helps me make sense of a lot of things I didn't really understand about myself.
but you've always been
good enough
you've just been giving
the best parts of you
to the wrong people
r.h. sin
...Miss Elephant... you need not repy to this and so do not worry. I only Post this because there is a picture, stating some very good words, and the words I Post are what the picture says. I may not know what "r.h. sin" means or to whom it refers.. (The Internet prevents me). I only know that the picture has good words within it... yet upon this NAS-Site the picture may shortly disappear! And that is that, and so Fare Thee Well, Madame.
Thank you to everyone who has replied...So much said and beautifully expressed. I am currently in the bottom of said bear pit and in a low place. I will reply to everyone when I can find the right words..but everything is just stuck in my head, heart and throat at present.
much love to all of you.. and thank you so much for being here xx
I was not going to Reply - because I do not do "Chat" very well! - but then I re-read your short reply. I personally refer to you sometimes as Nasally ENHANCED, and not "challenged"! (If you go for an assesment, then "pausing to think" is also another ND indicator).
And for more ND confusion, to your "Thanks", I reply: どういたしまして...!
This nasally challenged Elephant says thank you x
Greetings. Everyone else has Posted very many good points and very many good things which I need not repeat.
Thus, I simply Post this: A "Formal Diagnosis" is most useful in LAW. In order to access certain services and "support". And so it is very very much worth it. If it fails, go to someplace else in order to gain it.
During any "assessment", do *not* pretend to be an NT. Be yourself. Highlight your "Social Problems". State what you know about being ND, and how it "impacts upon your daily life". State any "weird" things which you do or know, regardless of context. Emphasize yourself and not whatever they suggest. If it is scary and/or stressful, state this as it happens.
...To keep this Post short, I am closing it now. Yes I am weeeeeird... yet I am used to it, now. And I have a Late "Formal Diagnosis" to support it...(!)
Hi Ellie
Well, I'm a 43 year self diagnosed Aspie woman and your post does resonate with me. My partner is the only one who knows and he has agreed with my self diagnosis after reading about it. However, he has not changed his expectations of me and as long as we plough on as we always have done then he's happy enough. So is that good enough for me? Hmm, still pondering that one.
I've pondered the 'diagnose or not' question a few times over the last few years (I realised a few years ago but didn't really ponder what being Aspie meant again until a few months ago). I think it comes down to what it is you think you will get from it and whether after going through it all you will get what you want, or at least some of it. I've pondered it as a cost benefit analysis (suits the way my mind works) and I keep coming to the conclusion that I can't be bothered with the diagnosis route. But that's right for me. I'll give you some of my bullet points for my pros and cons.
Getting a diagnosis:
1) Independent validation: Whilst I think I identify with the Aspie way of thinking I am not independent of the self diagnosis so I find it hard to be able to fully call myself Aspie. Diagnosis, if received, would provide this independent validation.
2) Being able to tell people that I am Aspie: Currently I don't tell people as I don't think that they will believe me without a professional diagnosis. I have become adept at masking, with people calling me 'weird' but generally finding me acceptable because I'm 'polite'. Perhaps people will stop calling me 'weird' and accept that I think differently. Though I do kinda like being called 'weird'!
3) Promoting awareness: I would love to promote awareness of autism to try to make some positive changes. In order to do this I would need a diagnosis. Who would listen to me without having had a professional diagnose me? How could I possible advocate for autism if I can't honestly say that I have any real knowledge of it.
4) Getting support: Theoretically it would be nice if there was support available to look again at things that have affected me. Different treatment strategies for Generalised Anxiety Disorder may be considered rather than the limited options that were originally offered to me and were unsuccessful.
Not getting a diagnosis (or the other side of the coin):
1) Independent lack of validation: I identify with the Aspie way of thinking. If the professionals don't agree where would that leave me? Do I trust the process enough to agree with them or would I feel cheated? Research, particularly on adult women on the spectrum is still developing and as such may not have been suitably shared across all of the autism diagnostic centres. The process appears to take a lot of time and can be stressful. I have other health issues and a lot of family have health issues which takes a lot of energy so do I really want to spend any more time in the company of the medical profession?
2) Will telling people I am Aspie change anything?: there is an assumption that having a diagnosis and being able to share it will change things. However, I'm not convinced that most people really understand autism. To me, the fundamental thing about it is that you perceive the world in a different way. I am happy to accept that because I have had over 40 years of observing a lot of people who I can see perceive the world differently to me. So I am very experienced in being able to see how thinking differently affects a whole range of things in life. The majority of people have spent their lives not observing such things. How well will they be able to accept this concept of perceiving the world differently and what it means? Will they just assume that I have to learn how to fit in, which is actually all that happens now.
3) Promoting awareness: surely this is a good thing!!
4) Getting support: As far as I can tell the level of support available to adults is limited. I don't currently work so don't need to seek any kind of changes to my work environment. I doubt I'd be eligible for any financial support as I've already looked at such things in detail for my other health condition. I have worked in the past and I have a pretty good CV so on paper I don't look like someone who struggles (other than the diagnosis of Generalised Anxiety Disorder for several years).
Conclusion:
1) Self validation: As long as I identify with the Aspie way of thinking then what would an independent view change?
2) It would be nice to be able to tell people I am Aspie but I am concerned about what effect that will have on the people around me, or whether there will be no effect at all. Until I'm certain that there would be some kind of benefit to telling people then I'm not sure I want to spend the time going through the diagnostic process.
3) Promoting awareness would be one of my main reasons for getting a diagnosis.
4) I'm not convinced that there is currently a support network available that would make a diagnosis worthwhile.
I've no doubt that I will continue to argue all of these points in my mind unless I seek a diagnosis. But I know my brain well and I know that even with the answer of a diagnosis I will always have more questions. So I'm not convinced that for me a diagnosis would give me sufficient piece of mind.
Ellie, for you, you may have a completely different set of pros and cons. Have you laid them out and looked at them? What is it you really want from it, do you think what you want will be served by getting a diagnosis and will the process of going through it be outweighed by the end result? Have you considered what would happen if the diagnosis did not agree with what you think or how you feel? Will that change anything for you or would you continue to identify with the Aspie way of thinking anyway?
Always happy to talk through these things, but at the end of it all it really is only your decision as to what is best for you.
X
Hi Ellie,
I really wanted to reply to your post but I have struggled to know how or where to come in. I often really struggle with this ‘barrier’ during informal discussions; I am really excruciatingly poor at making small talk or personal chat, even though I really want to. But I am going to persevere.
What I really wanted to offer, at the risk of being sexist, is that I have thought very long and hard about masks and personas in this life, and I can’t help but wonder if some of these are part of being a woman?
It seems to me that part of being a woman, particularly one of our generation, is that we are groomed from an early age to put the needs of others before our own? I think we (women) are actively encouraged to be selfless, to be accommodating, and to make significant sacrifices for others. And I think this can naturally lead to a crisis point at our age when we may begin to question these roles that are forced upon us from an early age, and begin to desire something for ourselves, to BE ourselves? To be fully acknowledged, valued and desired for the person we are, not what we ‘do’ or the ‘masks’ we wear?
I am certain that men are not exempt from having to adopt personas in order to survive and ensure the proximity (care, support, love) of others. However, after considerable thought, I do believe this curse may be particularly pertinent for women.
The expectations upon women in our society to be ‘the good daughter, the good wife, the good friend, the good mother’ (and much more recently, within my lifetime, the good colleague, the good career woman, the good breadwinner, thin, attractive, forever young, sexy…) are still extraordinarily strong. And in order to ‘achieve’ these things I think we do end up/ have to sacrifice and disavow valid bits of ourselves, NT or ND alike?
I wonder further if it is directly because of these powerful and pervasive expectations (upon women to be someone else who is groomed to be ‘in the service of others,’) that actually underpin the whole ‘difficulty with diagnosing female ASD?’
So, I guess I wanted to ask; what are your (or anyone else’s) thoughts about gender being a significant factor with regards to ‘wearing masks?’
x
