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Hi Ellie,

I really wanted to reply to your post but I have struggled to know how or where to come in. I often really struggle with this ‘barrier’ during informal discussions; I am really excruciatingly poor at making small talk or personal chat, even though I really want to. But I am going to persevere.

What I really wanted to offer, at the risk of being sexist, is that I have thought very long and hard about masks and personas in this life, and I can’t help but wonder if some of these are part of being a woman?

It seems to me that part of being a woman, particularly one of our generation, is that we are groomed from an early age to put the needs of others before our own? I think we (women) are actively encouraged to be selfless, to be accommodating, and to make significant sacrifices for others. And I think this can naturally lead to a crisis point at our age when we may begin to question these roles that are forced upon us from an early age, and begin to desire something for ourselves, to BE ourselves? To be fully acknowledged, valued and desired for the person we are, not what we ‘do’ or the ‘masks’ we wear?

I am certain that men are not exempt from having to adopt personas in order to survive and ensure the proximity (care, support, love) of others. However, after considerable thought, I do believe this curse may be particularly pertinent for women.

The expectations upon women in our society to be ‘the good daughter, the good wife, the good friend, the good mother’ (and much more recently, within my lifetime, the good colleague, the good career woman, the good breadwinner, thin, attractive, forever young, sexy…) are still extraordinarily strong. And in order to ‘achieve’ these things I think we do end up/ have to sacrifice and disavow valid bits of ourselves, NT or ND alike?

I wonder further if it is directly because of these powerful and pervasive expectations (upon women to be someone else who is groomed to be ‘in the service of others,’) that actually underpin the whole ‘difficulty with diagnosing female ASD?’

So, I guess I wanted to ask; what are your (or anyone else’s) thoughts about gender being a significant factor with regards to ‘wearing masks?’

x

Reply to Angeldust re role of women.  I read your reply with much interest but was unable to reply at the time. Now on the forum are other women like me who have reached the point of exhaustion and I wonder whether it is related to what you have said. I have watched the forum over the few months I’ve been on it and noticed that age does matter along with circumstances. It seems to me as though there is a pattern; in childhood we start to notice that we don’t play or fit in the family like others do, teenage years are a battle, in our 20’s we are trying to study or work but perhaps still have parental or peer support, by our 30’s we are trying to live independently and juggle and noticing it becoming harder still, in our 40’s the tiredness and perhaps health issues including menopause  ( other than depression/anxiety) kick in and by our 50’s the burnouts are longer and less manageable and we are no longer able to mask. This is a very simplistic outline but meant to convey a pattern whereby the roles Angeldust suggested co exist with the effort we make and our health and social outcomes. So that females in our 50’s without support do find self care, home maintenance, family relationships and jobs if we still have them finally all become too much. I realise this is a huge generalisation and may happen to men too but it is something I have picked up on in the women on the forum. ? Hope I have not spoken out to disturb or offend anyone and I’m not trying to make my plight other people’s or to make it an excuse. I don’t have an answer either.

You just described my life and lifeline perfectly Misfit. Of course we are all, to some degree, effected by our social conditioning and yes, the role of the woman is to take care of everyone but in this day and age, to also be a superwoman as well. But I think us aspies are actually less effected by our social conditioning, however, when we are masking, we are living up to the social ‘norm’ which we of course find exhausting, anyone would. The number of roles a woman is supposed to play these days is insane. And it’s the same for men. Their roles have also changed considerably and they are often found lost and confused. 

So it’s not surprising that we are hitting these burnouts now, at this stage in our lives,  and it’s why I’m taking a stand. I refuse to search for jobs at the job centre. I’ve spent 50 years masking. I not only have 50 years of processing to do, but I also need to discover me and learn to be me without the mask. Then build my world around that. 

I have found that a comfort too. I think I feel guilty that I’m so exhausted but yes I have 50 plus years to unwind from too. 

I have found that a comfort too. I think I feel guilty that I’m so exhausted but yes I have 50 plus years to unwind from too.