Need advice for attending 1st funeral pls x

If you concentrate on supporting your mother, who will likely be upset on and off during the funeral, and not on yourself it will probably be good for both of you. Everyone will be concentrating on their memories of the deceased, not on you. It isn't a performance, you are not there to be judged. I attended the funeral of my aunt yesterday and nothing untoward happened. I felt rather upset when the last piece of music was playing, but I coped, so will you.

I’ve been to half a dozen, from young to old, they’re all pretty much the same. Never done an Internment, only cremations. So, you congregate outside for a while whilst everybody arrives, then you get called in, you sit down and wait for a little bit. On the chair is usually the order of service. Then music will play, usually a meaningful song, and the coffin will be brought down to the front. Then the person conducting the funeral like the vicar will say stuff, members of the family may speak, usually there’s a moment of reflection where another piece of music is played, and you sit there just remembering, that bit I’ve always found the toughest. Then it’s a few more words and then you get ushered out row by row, and you might touch the coffin on the way out to pay your respects. What bit happen when is all written down on the order of service. From sitting down to leaving is usually 30 mins. 
The service is about remembering them, the joy they brought to people’s lives etc. They won’t focus on the death itself like how they died or anything like that. 
You’ll see all sorts of emotions when you’re there, sad obviously, calm, even people joking like it’s a normal day. 
There is usually a lot of “hello I haven’t seen you for ages” sort of small talk crap, because funerals are those occasions when everybody sees each other again, promise to keep in touch and then disappear again. 
I wish you the best.

I've been to a few, most recently last year for an aunt.  I will explain what happened in the hope it gives you some context.

The service was at the funeral home, so may differ from a church/religious examples, and we just went in and sat down (I think it's more common ove here, some will approach the coffin, but it's personal choice). Some people may speak to your mum, but funerals are one of those times when you don't always need to say a lot unless you were close with the deceased and want comfort with others. There is sometimes a leaflet made by the family, and from my point of view is helpful to have something to focus on and look at. As profdanger said, it's okay to pop out if it's too much, no one would say anything.

Someone normally speaks about their life in a eulogy, which can be interesting to find out about the person if you didn't know them well. There can be hymns and music. At that one they had an ABBA song as my aunt was into that group, so they can be different if it's not in a church. On the way out, the immediate family had formed a line and we went past and said something like profdanger said 'sorry for your loss'. 

After we went to the burial- unless you were close, you can stand towards the back. Having your head down and not talking is fine then. It's more quiet personal reflection time. 

The wake like B mentioned,  was the hardest bit really and only because that is when people are social. It was just family on this occasion for me, though I am awkward around them and don't know how to approach people already in conversation. You can choose to stick by your mum and just let her do the talking, or if she's fine, you can find a quiet spot to yourself. It isn't that hard actually, as being quiet is okay and for once is actually acceptable. The worst bit is feeling awkard, but there isn't a lot of pressure.

I think the anxiety of going is worse, but the focus is on the immediate family, so there shouldn't be much pressure at all.

Do you have a printed order of service?

That would give you a good idea of what will be happening.

profdanger said:

so one thing you might ask is if there is a wake before the funeral. I am not sure if it’s done any different in the UK, but traditionally here a wake has people form a line so that they can visit with the deceased’s body and the immediate family to give their condolences.

We tend to have a wake after the service here (England) where you get together for food and drinks but that doesn't always happen.

I wonder how different these customs are Church of England -v- Catholic -v- all other faiths -v- secular.

Most of the funerals I have attended have been secular so that is where my experience lies.

I think that will probably be quite important regarding what to expect.

All the very best and well done.

Think of it as celebrating a life.

P.S. I’m sorry if so much text distresses you. That was not my intention.

Good morning from America, Calaveras!

So first and foremost, that is so bold and kind of you to offer to go! I’m certain your presence there will be comforting for your mother.

Okay, so one thing you might ask is if there is a wake before the funeral. I am not sure if it’s done any different in the UK, but traditionally here a wake has people form a line so that they can visit with the deceased’s body and the immediate family to give their condolences. If so, know that all you need to say to the family is “I’m sorry for your loss” or something to that effect. Then you just need to stand in front of the body for a moment before moving on. Wakes typically have a lot of people, but all of the ones I have been to have been fairly quiet in atmosphere. It is possible there is not a wake, but it is worth asking about.

Your idea to stick to the back of the church during the service is brilliant. It’s not unusual for people to get very emotional and have to step out, so you will not look strange if you step outside during the service. Services can vary depending on what denomination the church is, but from my experience it shouldn’t require much audience participation except for reciting verses and singing songs. There should be little to no requirement for you to socialize during the funeral service, and I imagine your mother can handle any interactions with family members that occur before and after the service.

There might be a burial after that, but that is contingent on whether he was cremated or not. Given the time period you’ve given, I am guessing he was cremated? Burials require no interactions, but you may have family that will want to speak with you or your mother before/after just like the service. IMO The worst part about burials is actually the drive to the cemetery, which is often long and slow.

Here in the States we often have a “celebration of life” after a funeral where the family has like a potluck or cookout for the family to mingle and remember the deceased fondly. Hopefully since you are not immediate family, you would not have to go to that part. It might just be a USA thing anyways.

Hopefully that helps a bit. I totally get why this would cause you anxiety, but luckily funerals are a little easier to handle if you’re not part of the deceased’s immediate family.