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Need advice for attending 1st funeral pls x

Calaveras

Hello, I'm autistic and am really stressed right now. My mums uncle died just after Xmas and tomorrow is his funeral, and I offered to go with my mum for support which is crazy because I can hardly look after myself. Lol.

So tomorrow at midday is the funeral and I'm obsessing over it like crazy because I've never been to a funeral before and have no idea what to expect and now my head has thoughts racing at like 100mph like how many people will there be, what if I have a meltdown, what if I have to talk to people...

So far the only positive thing I've come up with is sitting at the back of the church so if I feel a meltdown approach I can quickly step outside and get some air and ground myself. But the rest of it I'm so stressed about it and I can't stop worrying.

I hardly slept last night, and this morning I have a throbbing headache and have had acid reflux and nausea to contend with. Uggh I hate anxiety so much!!!

I would really appreciate some insight from other autistic people. Any ideas for getting through this horror would be more than appreciated!

Parents

  • Good morning from America, Calaveras!

    So first and foremost, that is so bold and kind of you to offer to go! I’m certain your presence there will be comforting for your mother.

    Okay, so one thing you might ask is if there is a wake before the funeral. I am not sure if it’s done any different in the UK, but traditionally here a wake has people form a line so that they can visit with the deceased’s body and the immediate family to give their condolences. If so, know that all you need to say to the family is “I’m sorry for your loss” or something to that effect. Then you just need to stand in front of the body for a moment before moving on. Wakes typically have a lot of people, but all of the ones I have been to have been fairly quiet in atmosphere. It is possible there is not a wake, but it is worth asking about.

    Your idea to stick to the back of the church during the service is brilliant. It’s not unusual for people to get very emotional and have to step out, so you will not look strange if you step outside during the service. Services can vary depending on what denomination the church is, but from my experience it shouldn’t require much audience participation except for reciting verses and singing songs. There should be little to no requirement for you to socialize during the funeral service, and I imagine your mother can handle any interactions with family members that occur before and after the service.

    There might be a burial after that, but that is contingent on whether he was cremated or not. Given the time period you’ve given, I am guessing he was cremated? Burials require no interactions, but you may have family that will want to speak with you or your mother before/after just like the service. IMO The worst part about burials is actually the drive to the cemetery, which is often long and slow.

    Here in the States we often have a “celebration of life” after a funeral where the family has like a potluck or cookout for the family to mingle and remember the deceased fondly. Hopefully since you are not immediate family, you would not have to go to that part. It might just be a USA thing anyways.

    Hopefully that helps a bit. I totally get why this would cause you anxiety, but luckily funerals are a little easier to handle if you’re not part of the deceased’s immediate family.

  • in reply to profdanger

    P.S. I’m sorry if so much text distresses you. That was not my intention.

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