15 year old at crisis point

I'm 28 now, and I've been through the same thing. She probably wants to feel like she's achieving something too. You need to build a communication bridge based on her interests—talk about her favorite movie or have discussions she enjoys. Ask her questions; if she says something negative, ask, 'How do you feel about it?' You can also do activities she used to like.

After my mom started talking to me more like a human being, and after I started working in customer service, I began stepping out of my dark room—not much, but at least more than 15 minutes. I still spend most of my time in my room, but I feel much more comfortable in my environment than before.

I can give you details if you want 

Hi,  your story sounds so familiar, although my daughter is glued to my side most of the time.  She is also 15, and was referred to Clinical Partners last April via right to choose.  Her assessment is now imminent (after I chased repeatedly), and we have an appointment booked for 12th May for outcomes.

In primary school my daughter seemed to cope by masking.  She was one of a group.of friends and would occasionally go to their homes or they come here for tea etc.  Once she hit high school the friend group shrank.to just two friends who did notnreally understand her, and eventually, by the middle of year 10, a girl who'd been bullying my daughter had placed herself in the group of 3, and my daughter was pushed out entirely.  This led to school refusal, and as the school had no concerns with her academically, they just expected her to 'get over it' and return eith little support.  The then SENCO had point blank refused to put her on the SEN register as she (and I quote verbatim), "masks too well"!!!!

2 days before the start of Year 11, my Dad passed away.  My daughter, not having a good relationship with her own Dad, saw him as a father figure and took his passing very hard.  11 days later, her paternal grandmother also passed unexpectedly.  Despite this, school wanted her back in attendance but she just couldn't do it as she felt completely isolated and lonely, and I was backed into a corner of having to de-register her for her mental health or recieve a fine.

As a rule, she doesn't do too badly being home educated, but her motivation has tanked, and her anxiety over starting college is immense.  The meltdowns are mammoth, even though doing the music course at college has been her goal for years, she is struggling to see how she can overcome the interview/audition expectation of course entry.  So she shuts herself.off, becomes verbally aggressive and impatient with me, and then we just end up going round in a neverending cycle.  College are trying to put things in place to support her through application and attendance teary for September.

She said tonight that she is lonely, and I told her things may be different when she starts college, where she may find 'her people', peers who may understand her or not be judgy at the very least, but she said she doesn't want to wait that long, but won't let me contact any home ed groups, and won't even consider therapy of any sort.

Her twin brother has combined type ADHD (was was diagnosed Dec 2023 after 8 years under assessment) and she and him clash.  Life can be very fraught at times because of their differences, and my daughter can't cope with his chaotic way of being.

There's much more to our story, but I won't bore you with that, but please know you're not alone, and neither is your daughter.  I am doing nothing more than putting one foot in front of the other as much as I can to try to support both my daughter and son, but there are days where even I want to stomp up the stairs, slam my bedroom door and hide under the covers.

Being 15 is hard enough, but being 15 and autistic with no diagnosis and little understandong from the world outside our home, as well as trying to deal with transitions, grief and loneliness is nothing but cruel.  I constantly feel.like I'm.failing her, but know I'm not as I'm.doing all I can  to help her to the best of my ability.

I think we're al to hard on ourselves a lot of the time, our kids and us alike.  It helps a little to know there are others who understand the difficulties we're facing.

Hi -Thank you for reaching out.   I am sorry that you seem to be experiencing a similar situation.  We have since learned that if we  need to remove all expectations and just create a calmer environment with no demands.  It may mean that you feel sad sometimes we didn’t see her all day over Xmas but we didn’t ask her to and she ended up coming downstairs in the evening in quite a good mood.   I really believe that from learning from others that this is the best way.  It doesn’t matter if she’s not at school or doesn’t have friends or go out.  It doesn’t matter to her so it shouldn’t matter to us.  As long as we are there to give them the love and support they need The general consensus is that eventually they will fine their own way and things should start to improve.  I really hope that is the case for us too! Good luck x

Thank you - we have learned to be led by her.  She needs to get through this in her own way without any added pressure or demands.  If she refuses any type of help then it seems I just have to accepthat.  No expectations and low demand.  We have already created a calmer environment for her by adopting this attitude.  Thank you x

Thank you.  We have learned so much from others in the last few days and realise that we’ve just got to ride the storm and be led by her.  It’s not ideal but it’s what works for her right now that matters.  Thank you x

Hi thank you so much.  Things remain the same - we’ve recently learned from others that they too have or had similar experiences with their D.  She will continue to spend most of her time in her bedroom apart from an hour or so with us in the evening.  She has told us that for now she doesn’t want to leave the house or see anyone.  I will speak with the doctor again to see if she could have Melatonin as she has trouble sleeping.  We have accepted that this is how things are for now and we will adjust our lives accordingly.  She feels safe at home and I don’t want to make things worse by putting any pressure on her.  Thank you for caring x

Hi NAS88650,

Just checking in to see how things are with your daughter?

All the best, 

Gina Mod 

Reading your post mirrors my daughter, she’s 15, hasn’t been in school for 3 years. She had her diagnosis in September, after waiting 3 years. She also stays in her room and pops down occasionally for food. I don’t have any advice as I’m in need of it also. I am at loss on how to help her, she has zero friends, maybe one online, but it’s not the same as in person. She is lost and so am I. I don’t know where the help is out there. Being Autistic and a teen is heartbreaking, it’s incredibly hard, when you love your child so much, you want to help them, but you just don’t know how to, I try so hard, but whatever I do is never right. you aren’t alone, I hope that gives you some comfort. 

Hello NAS88650 ,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time with your daughter. It sounds like you have already sought support for her and are on the diagnosis pathway. 

In the meantime, please seek urgent support if you feel that your daughter is at immediate risk:

https://www.autism.org.uk/contact-us/urgent-help

Please also see our mental health support pages, which provide further information on a range of mental health issues such as depression and anxiety:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health-and-wellbeing

All the best,

Chloe Mod

Thank you - I’ve only recently learned of this option, I wish I’d know about it earlier.  I will speak with the GP but to be perfectly honest, I feel like I need to focus on my D and not throw any assessments into the mix as she’s already refused some CBT sessions from CAMHS.  I understand now that she is in burnout and through talking to others with Teens in a very similar situation, I need to give her time to recover which could be months even a couple of years.  So grateful for these platforms as they are so useful and reassuring when you feel like there is no hope.

It seems to me that depression and anxiety are the most pressing problems at the moment. I would try to resolve these first. Speeding up the wait for an autism assessment could also be possible, through the 'right to Choose' pathway.

"What is 'Right to Choose'?
In England, patients have a legal Right to Choose who provides their healthcare, including who carries out an autism assessment. GPs should offer you the option to choose a service to carry out the assessment.

To be eligible for the 'Right to Choose’, the person should:

be registered with a GP in England
must not be a prisoner
must not be detained under the Mental Health Act
must not be a serving member of the armed forces
must not be needing a test urgently or have been admitted to hospital.
The service you request must be providing NHS services in England.

GPs should always offer the 'Right to Choose' before they refer to a service. This includes providing information about the services available and helping you decide which service is most suitable. Some people prefer the 'Right to Choose' as they may have to wait a shorter time to be assessed, or the provider's location may be more convenient than other alternatives.

‘Right to Choose’ is not available in Wales, Northern Ireland or Scotland."

Please see:

NAS - Urgent help

Hi,

Self care, self care self care. Then , gosh 111 is a mixed bunch, but it would start to leave the paper trail - to help create argument for help? 

I don’t know the thresholds or way round to get your daughter help without her being driven too far along what sounds like a very depressed path - but I hope other have some suggestions. 

No one can really understand what she’s going through and her sense of overwhelm at life , but I hope she can find some reassurance (if that’s what’s required) that things can be ok, and that she can ‘titrate’ out into life away from the safety of the dark room.

Firstly if you need advice sooner I think you may be able to get advice on 111 on mental health concerns, someone else may have experience of this.

In respect of getting an assessment,  my son had a period of concerning conversations and we got in touch with CAMHS who arranged for a call. Following the conversation with me it was decided to move him up the waiting list.