Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't really know if this is the right place for this, the autistic parent section seems to be for parents of autistic children and not autistic parents themselves so I feel like this is the next best place? Sorry if it's not
I'm finding being a new parent especially difficult, I have a relatively easy baby so I feel extra useless not being able to cope sometimes and it's really getting me down, I can't find any support for this situation (it doesn't help that like I said above, "autistic parents" seems to be a term for parents of autistic children in a lot of spaces) and the service that diagnosed me a couple years ago has closed.
I feel like I can't be a good mother despite probably doing a good job most days, because I have days like today that I want to just sleep away. I can't recharge at all, my daughter has a wonderfully secure attachment to me and I'm so glad she feels safe and comforted with me but it means I don't get a break to recoup mental energy, I'm sure all parents have this issue don't get me wrong, but, I feel like it just is hitting me harder than it would if I wasn't autistic. I'm tired of being told everyone's going through this, it's not the same.
I can't even do adult things, since I left school I've tried to find a career path or even just a job I can stick at for longer than a few months, no one wants to be patient with me, they let me go once the burnout hits and I don't work as fast as I did in the first few months. My last job let me go about an hour after I told them I was pregnant.. not even that information made them think I should have more than a few months' chance. And even unemployed I feel useless, I definitely now feel I have a purpose as a parent, it's something I'm good at when I have the mental energy for it and can muster up all I can even when I don't which is something I haven't been able to do in jobs (makes sense, as I care deeply about my daughter but not so much an employer) but even then, I can't "just" be a mother, it's not valued even as much as a minimum wage job doing something meaningless. And I can't provide for my family financially by just being a good mum, so, it's kind of moot
I'm not even 100% sure of the reason for posting this, maybe someone has gone through this and have some words of support, or know of somewhere I can access specific support. I'm just mentally done and I'm sure it'll pick up again at some point but these crashes are getting harder to deal with and I don't want to be a crap mum who can't cope
Oh yeah and, I did end up having a c section and still had to make it to the 10 day appointment and they knew my partner and I don't yet drive! That was an ordeal in itself, made worse by being sent to the hospital straight after that as she hadn't gained enough weight, awful situation
I've been wondering the same about how so many mothers manage going back to work before even the first year is up, it's insane, the lack of community even when your closest are willing to help is really tough, no one has the time to help even if they want to
Yeah so I unfortunately was still in my probation period in this job, they had some issues with me not sewing fast enough (I was a factory seamstress), they had a pretty inaccurate impression of how I worked because I learn new things super fast and then the hyperfocus from "Ooh, new skill" has me work rapidly, then it tapers off and every single employer I've had hates this, they think I've stopped trying. So they wanted rid of me anyway, it actually came up because they had given me a month to improve to keep the job and I panicked and explained, I just found I'm pregnant so I may be a bit distracted, naively thinking they might give a bit of leeway but instead I was called up to the office about an hour later and told they want me to leave immediately and was escorted out, presumably so I couldn't tell people on the way out that I was being sacked on the same day I'd mentioned the panic accidental pregnancy! Legally I was told there's nothing I can do with still being in the probation period, they can get rid of people for whatever reason they like apparently
I do indeed breastfeed and probably don't get enough water, whoops I even got a huge water bottle to keep up but it's getting the time to refill it, my partner is wonderful for keeping me fed and hydrated when stuck boobing or contact napping but it's when he's working that it's difficult to keep up with the self care and yep also hygiene unfortunately.. recently I had to go to my grandparents just to get a shower and she screamed the whole time so loud I could hear it in the shower, it's heartbreaking and so difficult when they just want you but you need just 10 minutes
thank you for responding! I definitely think I need to be looking a bit more closely at my health to be functioning better, it really wouldn't surprise me if I still had iron issues, I take over the counter supplements for all sorts but that's only started in the last few days, maybe I need to give it more time and look into my diet also and definitely get out more! The stress of wrestling an infant into clothes and then a pram has been making me really avoidant but it's certainly not helping for sure
Thanks so much for your reply!
Yeah I do thankfully have young parents that are able and more than willing to have her on Sundays when they can, recently they haven't been able to as they have a 7 and 8 year old so schedules don't always allow for it, but I've gotten into the habit of using that time to catch up on house work instead of recharging, thinking that'll make my day to day life easier and it does somewhat but I think you're right I need to make that time for nourishment for sure
Yep I'm a seamstress and the work itself is great for me, factory sewing scratches that itch for constant tactile work doing hundreds of the same thing, it's just never been fast enough in the factories I've worked in, very hard to find one that doesn't expect sweatshop speeds
Yknow I've never considered my diet might be a contributing factor here, I'll absolutely look into that! I may have been shooting myself in the foot a little trying to go more veggie, I definitely need the meat at certain times of the month or I just feel a bit dead
Again thanks so much for taking the time to respond, I feel a little less alone already
I remember people asking how motherhood was in the early days and toddler days and my answer was often “relentless” I was so so exhausted especially in the first few months and ESPECIALLY the first month. I didn’t know much about the passage of time except if it was light or dark out so I also lost a lot of my hygiene routine, particularly tooth brushing. I have never cried so much, probably more than the rest of my entire life put together. I have no idea how women in America are expected to go back to work after a few weeks I couldn’t have physically or mentally managed it. Also I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to fire someone for being pregnant, what reason did they give you? I agree with Juniper also make sure you’re well hydrated especially if breastfeeding, and eat as well as you can. I ended up having blood tests after a while and I had low iron reserves, low B12 and low Vitamin D. When the weather perks up a bit short walks can be good for you with the pram, even if just to the corner shop get a bit of fresh air and sunshine. I couldn’t go very far to start with though, probably not even a mile. I was also amazed that I had to take myself to the 10 day midwife appointment and they wouldn’t come to me, that was a huge undertaking but so got myself there somehow! Thankfully I didn’t have a C-section so could drive the almost embarrassingly short distance.
I went through this! I was quite young and really needed real advice. So I feel where you're at. While I don't have time to post right now, I will leave a few things I learned and come back to this in the next few days.
A grandparent had told me it would be necessary for me to take one day to myself. Find child care and do something productive which nurtures my soul and allows sufficient room to regroup. I found art galleries useful for this, but I was unsupported, so didn't always have the funds to do this. But the older generation would've taken turns for one another.
Second, I had to re-examine my diet. I've only learned recently many of us have gut-health issues. The supplements I took back then were probably better than what is on the market now. It's also important for females to eat red meat once a week at the very least. I also took an astragalus-reishi immune support supplement. That was a game changer! I found when younger, I didn't need the full recommended dose, just half. Now I take a nootropics supplement daily (something like https://feelgud.co.uk/products/mushroom-gummies) and have a dietary regiment.
I was also let go from job after job for reasons that are particular to being autistic / dyslexic. This is discrimination, but I have a feeling jobs better tailored to suit us are crafting and technical jobs. If I could go back, I'd get better help with maths, take an engineering course and maybe see if I could find a school which supports Heritage Crafts such as https://heritagecrafts.org.uk/the-princes-master-crafters/. However, I ended up in a post-production type role with sound. I didn't know I could turn my intuitive sensory sensitivities into skills!
As mentioned, I'll have a little more of a think! But you're not alone :)