Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't really know if this is the right place for this, the autistic parent section seems to be for parents of autistic children and not autistic parents themselves so I feel like this is the next best place? Sorry if it's not
I'm finding being a new parent especially difficult, I have a relatively easy baby so I feel extra useless not being able to cope sometimes and it's really getting me down, I can't find any support for this situation (it doesn't help that like I said above, "autistic parents" seems to be a term for parents of autistic children in a lot of spaces) and the service that diagnosed me a couple years ago has closed.
I feel like I can't be a good mother despite probably doing a good job most days, because I have days like today that I want to just sleep away. I can't recharge at all, my daughter has a wonderfully secure attachment to me and I'm so glad she feels safe and comforted with me but it means I don't get a break to recoup mental energy, I'm sure all parents have this issue don't get me wrong, but, I feel like it just is hitting me harder than it would if I wasn't autistic. I'm tired of being told everyone's going through this, it's not the same.
I can't even do adult things, since I left school I've tried to find a career path or even just a job I can stick at for longer than a few months, no one wants to be patient with me, they let me go once the burnout hits and I don't work as fast as I did in the first few months. My last job let me go about an hour after I told them I was pregnant.. not even that information made them think I should have more than a few months' chance. And even unemployed I feel useless, I definitely now feel I have a purpose as a parent, it's something I'm good at when I have the mental energy for it and can muster up all I can even when I don't which is something I haven't been able to do in jobs (makes sense, as I care deeply about my daughter but not so much an employer) but even then, I can't "just" be a mother, it's not valued even as much as a minimum wage job doing something meaningless. And I can't provide for my family financially by just being a good mum, so, it's kind of moot
I'm not even 100% sure of the reason for posting this, maybe someone has gone through this and have some words of support, or know of somewhere I can access specific support. I'm just mentally done and I'm sure it'll pick up again at some point but these crashes are getting harder to deal with and I don't want to be a crap mum who can't cope
I went through this! I was quite young and really needed real advice. So I feel where you're at. While I don't have time to post right now, I will leave a few things I learned and come back to this in the next few days.
A grandparent had told me it would be necessary for me to take one day to myself. Find child care and do something productive which nurtures my soul and allows sufficient room to regroup. I found art galleries useful for this, but I was unsupported, so didn't always have the funds to do this. But the older generation would've taken turns for one another.
Second, I had to re-examine my diet. I've only learned recently many of us have gut-health issues. The supplements I took back then were probably better than what is on the market now. It's also important for females to eat red meat once a week at the very least. I also took an astragalus-reishi immune support supplement. That was a game changer! I found when younger, I didn't need the full recommended dose, just half. Now I take a nootropics supplement daily (something like https://feelgud.co.uk/products/mushroom-gummies) and have a dietary regiment.
I was also let go from job after job for reasons that are particular to being autistic / dyslexic. This is discrimination, but I have a feeling jobs better tailored to suit us are crafting and technical jobs. If I could go back, I'd get better help with maths, take an engineering course and maybe see if I could find a school which supports Heritage Crafts such as https://heritagecrafts.org.uk/the-princes-master-crafters/. However, I ended up in a post-production type role with sound. I didn't know I could turn my intuitive sensory sensitivities into skills!
As mentioned, I'll have a little more of a think! But you're not alone :)
Thanks so much for your reply!
Yeah I do thankfully have young parents that are able and more than willing to have her on Sundays when they can, recently they haven't been able to as they have a 7 and 8 year old so schedules don't always allow for it, but I've gotten into the habit of using that time to catch up on house work instead of recharging, thinking that'll make my day to day life easier and it does somewhat but I think you're right I need to make that time for nourishment for sure
Yep I'm a seamstress and the work itself is great for me, factory sewing scratches that itch for constant tactile work doing hundreds of the same thing, it's just never been fast enough in the factories I've worked in, very hard to find one that doesn't expect sweatshop speeds
Yknow I've never considered my diet might be a contributing factor here, I'll absolutely look into that! I may have been shooting myself in the foot a little trying to go more veggie, I definitely need the meat at certain times of the month or I just feel a bit dead
Again thanks so much for taking the time to respond, I feel a little less alone already