Sensory discomfort genitals

Hi - sorry I am late to this thread. I am 48 now, but when I was your daughter's age I went through what sounds like a similar experience. (Although my mother was not so caring!). Obviously I can only speak for myself, but the problem was entirely physical - nothing to do with me not liking how I looked. It really, really stung and used to keep me awake at night. I associated the pain with having bits stick out because that made them seem more vulnerable. The intensity of the pain faded, but I still have skin allergies in that part of my body that I don't have elsewhere, so I have to be very careful what products I use. All I can recommend is emphasising to your daughter that this is a delicate, but very important part of her body. Bathe very gently without soaps and speak to your gp about soothing creams. 

See thats problematic because a lot of that protection is in the form of helping them to retain internal moisture (and also exclude external moisture), which is apparently something this girl is irritated by. I know 'theoeticaly' there is some protection from mechanical irritation but for a lot of women with smaller labia that's basically non existent and they seem to cope fine.

yeah sticky out parts are always uncomfortable, why do you think men do the man spreading thing? because bringing their knees in actually crush their sticky out bits and those are sensitive as its literally a internal organ that was developed in the abdomen sticking out with no protection.... dont think she is trans though, as you said yourself she wants it to be flat and flush... so clearly she isnt trans as a alternative of a penis is NOT flat and flush at all right?

NAS88168 said:

as there are bits that aren’t flat and flush to her body

I know a transmasc and he has the same problem but for other body parts. Though dysphoria and dysmorphia are not the same thing they often present as similar in terms of behaviour and feelings towards parts of the body. Obvs you do not want a surgical fix on such a young child for a problem that isn't the body part itself, and you don't need to consider any kind of gender issue unless there have been other signs, but using "binding" as inspiration perhaps a different kind of underwear that holds everything closer to the body could be a stop-gap solution. If your daughter wants to be for lack of a better term "barbie doll smooth" to negate sensory issues then that can be achieved by underwear with  a stronger gusset and a different shape. Sadly without shelling out for bespoke clothing the off the rack stuff like knickers are made of of what looks like paper thin cotton with not a lot of guff to them however the cotton in boxers is usually twice as thick and the different shape might help as long as the size isn't too loose.
Sadly when it comes to sensory issues it is very disabiling so it comes down to having to wear what is comfortable and toheck with what it looks like for a lot of autistic folks.
Best of luck to you in finding a solution OP.

She might benefit from some distraction from it. That includes not talking about it. What could you/she do to take her mind off it for periods of time?

Maybe she might like something cool to place there? It will give her a different sensation which might detract from the feelings she has. 
Is there any redness or anything. Is there the possibility that she has some irritation which is making things worse? Sudocrem perhaps, or a light emollient could be tried for that. 
The more she touches herself, the more she will aggravate symptoms. Must be so awful for her.

I haven’t experienced similar, but I do know that my daughter is bothered by many things in the same area.

Hello - 

I don't have children and I won't pretend I have the first clue about them, but what stands out to me is that she's aiming her hatred and aggression at a part of her body that signifies her gender. Could it be that she doesn't feel inside that she conforms to her gender outside? I have heard similar thought processes (hate, rejection, disgust) out of the mouths of gender non conforming people as adults, reflecting on their childhoods. 

I am particularly alarmed to hear she could be at risk of hurting herself. She's so little and innocent :( I hope you get the help you need soon.

That's correct regarding the clitoris, but not the labia- those are there to give some protection to the vagina and urethra. They can and do give pleasure but that's not their primary purpose, which may make any parent-child conversation a bit less tricky.

I won't hazard an opinion on the merits of sex ed at 5 at this point but as a purely scientific observation the "bits that aren’t flat and flush" to the body the child is referring to has to be the labia and clitoris, not the vulva generally. There is nothing else there that would reasonably fit that description. And as far as I know the labia and clitoris don't have a function aside from sexual pleasure.

Peter said:

As far as I'm aware the only purpose of the labia and clitoris is sexual pleasure.

It is part of the reproductive system and the urinary system so the vulva has other functions than pleasure.

Associating it with pleasure at 5 years old may lead to undesired consequences so I would probably aim the discussion more towards the fact that all bodies are different and possibly get the mother to demonstrate at bath time that is is perfectly normal to have a non-Barbie layout down there.

Normalising difference and accepting it are one way to get her to de-focus on this issue.

For the clothing you may want to try different textures of cloth with her to see if there are any which help.

You may be able to speak to the doctor and plead to get her appointment brought forward because of the risk of self harm.

I think reassuring her that her vulva is completely normal and not wrongly shaped, is the first thing to do. Also that the lubrication stops any chafing when she walks, which would be very sore and also helps prevent infection, might be useful approaches.

I think part of it may be having nothing else to measure it against as a child. I remember finding my testicals very odd as a young child. Why are there lumps here. What reason could they possibly have to be there. They don't seem to do anything. I remember wondering if they were full of puss like a spot and if I should pop them like a pimple. Once I understood what they were for I was a lot less weirded out by it.

This presents you with an awkward conversation. As far as I'm aware the only purpose of the labia and clitoris is sexual pleasure.