Being alone at home

Hi there.  Welcome to the forum.

I suppose the main question that jumps out at me from this is... How is this either a legal or a moral issue?  I can see both if you perceive that he's at risk in some way - and being awake for long hours could pose a risk.  But how would you know one way or the other what he's doing?  When I was his age, I was alone a lot and spent much of that 'alone' time reading horror and detective fiction.  They were my passion.  Even when someone else was at home, though, I'd mostly be up in my room alone doing my own thing.  Reading, writing, playing snooker on a tiny table I had.  I even played board games on my own, taking 'everyone's' turn myself (Cluedo was not best suited to that!)  Often, I'd be doing these things into the early hours, long after my parents were asleep.

You say your son is on the spectrum, and I'm guessing that he's high-functioning/Asperger's.  Does he do things that really do pose a risk - and I mean a risk to life?  As a much younger child, I used to set fire to my toys a lot.  I almost caused a serious fire once by lighting a firework in my bedroom.  A lot of these are things that many kids do, though.  At 16, he's probably beyond that stage - unless, of course, his condition affects him in a way that he really doesn't understand risks.  In which case, yes... you have a point.  But based on the information you've given, it doesn't sound like that level of risk is involved.

Best regards,

Tom

Hi Tom thanks for your reply our son is autistic .Sorry if I haven't explained myself correctly.My problem is leaving him home alone while hes fast asleep.usually in the morning when the working day starts Regards Shane

Hi Shane,

Okay, I get that he's autistic (as I am), but I'm guessing that he's very high-functioning (as I am).  Your main worry seems to be leaving him when he's fast asleep - because you know he'll be awake and watching TV re-runs and going online.  My point is... how can you be sure that he's doing this if, when you leave him, he's fast asleep?  Maybe he continues to sleep... until he naturally wakes, and then starts with the TV and internet.  I'm just not sure what that moral issue is.  Do you feel bad about leaving him alone, even though he's old enough to be left, because you fear he's a risk to himself if he's left unattended?  Or is it that you're not there to distract him?  Do you think that these activities of his are putting him at harm?  For instance, do you think he might be using online sites that put him at risk of 'grooming'?

Sorry if it's not clear, but I'm just trying to establish what your main cause for concern is.  I suppose, if I'm honest, my parents were worried that way.  I was happier staying indoors and focusing on the things I enjoyed rather than going out and making friends.  My experiences at school, and afterwards, made me more inclined to enjoy my own company.  I was bullied throughout school, and didn't really enjoy being around people my own age.  Mum and dad tried to get me to go to a youth club - but I didn't enjoy it, so they didn't persist.  My 'obsessions' were what made me happy - even if they weren't exactly wholesome.  Lurid horror stories, and the like.  What kinds of TV programmes does he watch?  Maybe they're educational - or things like 'The Big Bang Theory', which might give him a level of character identification that he understands and enjoys.  And maybe when he's online, he's using sites where he finds a form of community that he feels safe with.  Asperger's sites, or forums like this.

Regards,

Tom

Really Tom, nobody knows your son better than you do. You are the one to judge if he is old enough and capable enough to wake up on his own. When I  was fourteen my mother used to say 'well you were never a latch key kid, I was always there when you came home from school', but she always used to shout at me the moment I walked through the door for being late because I would like to spend some time with my friends at the bus station before I came home from school. There was a lot of smoking and shoplifting going on in my year too as well as truancy, despite the fact I was at grammar school which was supposed to be one of the best. The important thing is that your son feels safe and loved, but he also needs to understand that adults may have other responsibilities too and cannot spend all their time with him. If his autism prevents him from leading a full life you also need to show him that you are doing what is in your power to make that life as full as poossible. As he grows older that also includes developing independence and not being so dependent on his parents if possible. Showing that you are spending time in helping him toward this and communicating with him about what he does when he wakes up alone, showing that you are interested and care if he is ok about it should help. If he is not capable of that level of communication then yes you should question if he is ok to be left alone.

NAS23828 said:

When alls said and done hes still my son and my primary purpose is to nurture and protect him.

Hi Shane,

I understand.  Yes, that's perfectly natural - and in that sense I do see the moral issue you have.  I have a very highly-developed moral sense, but yes - I struggled at first to understand why you thought of it in those terms.  I think it was that I lacked a fuller picture, which I now have.

I hope someone else will come in with their views.  There are plenty, I'm sure, who would have something to suggest on the matter.

Best regards,

Tom

Hi Tom

Sorry about late reply i was kinda hoping someone else would have came in.Yes i do think hes at more risk than someone else his own age or older not on the spectrum.Its the reason i posted.Yes his autism does prevent him from leading an otherwise normally-functioning life.I notice you keep referring to the moral issue,i edited my post and removed that ,however you had obviously seen the original post.Tom,as you said earlier "I don't have a processing error; I have a different operating system." This is what prevents you seeing the moral issue,no disrespect.Morals are what humanity is based on,they stem from,spirituality,intuition,common sense and good old right or wrong,they're not something we can label directly because they're a feeling not a physical law like gravity.Morally it doesn't sit right with me leaving him home alone asleep in the daytime after a late night.

I've seen the film you mentioned,i thought it was a little far fetched in places but who knows,i did quite enjoy it though.I realize my son is more than not less than,but only in some areas.When alls said and done hes still my son and my primary purpose is to nurture and protect him.Thanks for your kind and thoughtful comments Tom 

Hi again Shane,

I see what you mean now.  Having said that... do you think he's at any more risk at home alone than any other person of his age?  Or any much older person?  Does his autism prevent him from leading an otherwise normally-functioning life - such as being able to make himself meals, go out on his own if he chooses, take up employment?  If that's the concern, has it been recommended that he has any kind of interventions and support, such as through Speech and Language Therapists, Occupational Therapists, counsellors, etc?

Although I always had high verbal skills, I was quite often uncommunicative as a child.  Partly it was because I found it difficult to deal with other people - which is why I took myself off into a world that I felt safe in and could control.  I never really felt lonely - though I often used to wonder why I wasn't like other people.  I think I was made to feel that there was something wrong with me because I didn't say much and didn't socialise.  As I now realise, there was nothing 'wrong' with me in that sense at all.  I was different.  As a meme I've just seen expresses it well... I don't have a processing error; I have a different operating system.

I really don't know the full background with your circumstances or your son's condition.  I can say, though, that I can probably understand your concerns.  It's often very difficult, though, for people who don't have ASC to understand why people who do have it behave in the way they do.  Why they have difficulty communicating.  Why they seem unsocial (often linked to the first).  Why they have particular things that completely absorb them, whereas other things don't interest them in the least.  It's about learning a different way of thinking that can often seem very alien if you have no such issues yourself.

I may seem very communicative in writing - my most natural medium of communication - but I'm not so communicative out there in the world.  And only 7% of communication is through speech, anyway.  The rest comes through body language, gestures, expressions - things that I've always struggled to 'get'.  I've had girlfriends who've almost given up on me in the early stages because I didn't pick up on their signals.  Flirtation - it means nothing to me.  I never know when people I'm speaking to are getting bored with me.  I never know how to continue conversations - or when it's my turn to speak.  I'll often barge in at the wrong moment.  I'll say things that are inappropriate.  Even now, at 58, and working with people I have a lot in common with, I don't really 'gel' with them.  If the conversational group is about three or four of us, I'm generally still part of the centre of gravity.  Once it gets up around six or seven, I'm slipping out of it.  At nine or ten, I'm on the margins.  No one's paying me any attention.  So I'm clearly missing that thing that everyone else has, which enables me to 'keep in.'  Even if the conversation is on a subject common to us all, or on something that I know a lot about.   Clearly, my behaviour in communication is a big part of it. The things I say and do are putting people off in some way.  This has always been the case, right from childhood.

Your son may have quite real communication difficulties (how did he do at school?), but it may also be the case that he doesn't think he's being listened to or taken seriously.  This can happen if someone, for instance, is constantly being told 'You should be like this, you should be like that... what's wrong with you?'  Forgive me, I'm not saying that that's your attitude to him at all.  But it may be the case with others he's coming into contact with.

There's a recent Ben Affleck film, 'The Accountant'.  I don't know if you've seen it.  For an action movie, it gives an interesting portrayal of ASC - in this case, with a maths savant.  I mention it because there's a line in it, at the end, that resonates with  me... and kind of sums up what I'm trying to say.  In the final scene, a psychologist at a special facility for autistic children is talking to some parents who are thinking of sending their child there.  He says...

' Your son’s not less-than. He’s different. Now, your expectations for your son may change over time. They may include marriage, children, self-sufficiency. And they might not. But I guarantee you that if we let the world set expectations for our children, they’ll start low. And they’ll stay there. Maybe your son’s capable of much more than we know. And maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t understand how to tell us. Or… we haven’t yet learned how to listen.'

Again... please don't read this as any form of assumption about your own circumstances and your son's.   It's just, perhaps, another way of looking at things.

I wish you well.  Hopefully, others will offer their input and perhaps be able to help you better than I can on this point of concern.

Regards,

Tom

Hi Tom

Thanks for taking the time out to speak to me.My only concern is when my son is at home alone and fast asleep.This is usually in the daytime.I don't have concerns about him being online late at nite or watching tv till silly o'clock.My only concern and worry is the day after between 9am and approx 3pm The rest of the family get up and go off to school or work and our son is left on his own in a very heavy sleep and doesn't usually wake up till after lunch.I can't really put it into words but what if an emergency arose and he was asleep and unaware.Theres also the other side of the coin.I feel mean going out and leaving him asleep i almost feel like i'm neglecting him,he shouldn't have to wake up at home alone after lunch.Hes not as communicative as you are Tom.If he was lonely as i'm certain he sometimes is, he wouldn't say 

Regards Shane

Hi Tom

Thanks for taking the time out to speak to me.My only concern is when my son is at home alone and fast asleep.This is usually in the daytime.I don't have concerns about him being online late at nite or watching tv till silly o'clock.My only concern and worry is the day after between 9am and approx 3pm The rest of the family get up and go off to school or work and our son is left on his own in a very heavy sleep and doesn't usually wake up till after lunch.I can't really put it into words but what if an emergency arose and he was asleep and unaware.Theres also the other side of the coin.I feel mean going out and leaving him asleep i almost feel like i'm neglecting him,he shouldn't have to wake up at home alone after lunch.Hes not as communicative as you are Tom.If he was lonely as i'm certain he sometimes is, he wouldn't say 

Regards Shane

Really Tom, nobody knows your son better than you do. You are the one to judge if he is old enough and capable enough to wake up on his own. When I  was fourteen my mother used to say 'well you were never a latch key kid, I was always there when you came home from school', but she always used to shout at me the moment I walked through the door for being late because I would like to spend some time with my friends at the bus station before I came home from school. There was a lot of smoking and shoplifting going on in my year too as well as truancy, despite the fact I was at grammar school which was supposed to be one of the best. The important thing is that your son feels safe and loved, but he also needs to understand that adults may have other responsibilities too and cannot spend all their time with him. If his autism prevents him from leading a full life you also need to show him that you are doing what is in your power to make that life as full as poossible. As he grows older that also includes developing independence and not being so dependent on his parents if possible. Showing that you are spending time in helping him toward this and communicating with him about what he does when he wakes up alone, showing that you are interested and care if he is ok about it should help. If he is not capable of that level of communication then yes you should question if he is ok to be left alone.

NAS23828 said:

When alls said and done hes still my son and my primary purpose is to nurture and protect him.

Hi Shane,

I understand.  Yes, that's perfectly natural - and in that sense I do see the moral issue you have.  I have a very highly-developed moral sense, but yes - I struggled at first to understand why you thought of it in those terms.  I think it was that I lacked a fuller picture, which I now have.

I hope someone else will come in with their views.  There are plenty, I'm sure, who would have something to suggest on the matter.

Best regards,

Tom

Hi Tom

Sorry about late reply i was kinda hoping someone else would have came in.Yes i do think hes at more risk than someone else his own age or older not on the spectrum.Its the reason i posted.Yes his autism does prevent him from leading an otherwise normally-functioning life.I notice you keep referring to the moral issue,i edited my post and removed that ,however you had obviously seen the original post.Tom,as you said earlier "I don't have a processing error; I have a different operating system." This is what prevents you seeing the moral issue,no disrespect.Morals are what humanity is based on,they stem from,spirituality,intuition,common sense and good old right or wrong,they're not something we can label directly because they're a feeling not a physical law like gravity.Morally it doesn't sit right with me leaving him home alone asleep in the daytime after a late night.

I've seen the film you mentioned,i thought it was a little far fetched in places but who knows,i did quite enjoy it though.I realize my son is more than not less than,but only in some areas.When alls said and done hes still my son and my primary purpose is to nurture and protect him.Thanks for your kind and thoughtful comments Tom 

Hi again Shane,

I see what you mean now.  Having said that... do you think he's at any more risk at home alone than any other person of his age?  Or any much older person?  Does his autism prevent him from leading an otherwise normally-functioning life - such as being able to make himself meals, go out on his own if he chooses, take up employment?  If that's the concern, has it been recommended that he has any kind of interventions and support, such as through Speech and Language Therapists, Occupational Therapists, counsellors, etc?

Although I always had high verbal skills, I was quite often uncommunicative as a child.  Partly it was because I found it difficult to deal with other people - which is why I took myself off into a world that I felt safe in and could control.  I never really felt lonely - though I often used to wonder why I wasn't like other people.  I think I was made to feel that there was something wrong with me because I didn't say much and didn't socialise.  As I now realise, there was nothing 'wrong' with me in that sense at all.  I was different.  As a meme I've just seen expresses it well... I don't have a processing error; I have a different operating system.

I really don't know the full background with your circumstances or your son's condition.  I can say, though, that I can probably understand your concerns.  It's often very difficult, though, for people who don't have ASC to understand why people who do have it behave in the way they do.  Why they have difficulty communicating.  Why they seem unsocial (often linked to the first).  Why they have particular things that completely absorb them, whereas other things don't interest them in the least.  It's about learning a different way of thinking that can often seem very alien if you have no such issues yourself.

I may seem very communicative in writing - my most natural medium of communication - but I'm not so communicative out there in the world.  And only 7% of communication is through speech, anyway.  The rest comes through body language, gestures, expressions - things that I've always struggled to 'get'.  I've had girlfriends who've almost given up on me in the early stages because I didn't pick up on their signals.  Flirtation - it means nothing to me.  I never know when people I'm speaking to are getting bored with me.  I never know how to continue conversations - or when it's my turn to speak.  I'll often barge in at the wrong moment.  I'll say things that are inappropriate.  Even now, at 58, and working with people I have a lot in common with, I don't really 'gel' with them.  If the conversational group is about three or four of us, I'm generally still part of the centre of gravity.  Once it gets up around six or seven, I'm slipping out of it.  At nine or ten, I'm on the margins.  No one's paying me any attention.  So I'm clearly missing that thing that everyone else has, which enables me to 'keep in.'  Even if the conversation is on a subject common to us all, or on something that I know a lot about.   Clearly, my behaviour in communication is a big part of it. The things I say and do are putting people off in some way.  This has always been the case, right from childhood.

Your son may have quite real communication difficulties (how did he do at school?), but it may also be the case that he doesn't think he's being listened to or taken seriously.  This can happen if someone, for instance, is constantly being told 'You should be like this, you should be like that... what's wrong with you?'  Forgive me, I'm not saying that that's your attitude to him at all.  But it may be the case with others he's coming into contact with.

There's a recent Ben Affleck film, 'The Accountant'.  I don't know if you've seen it.  For an action movie, it gives an interesting portrayal of ASC - in this case, with a maths savant.  I mention it because there's a line in it, at the end, that resonates with  me... and kind of sums up what I'm trying to say.  In the final scene, a psychologist at a special facility for autistic children is talking to some parents who are thinking of sending their child there.  He says...

' Your son’s not less-than. He’s different. Now, your expectations for your son may change over time. They may include marriage, children, self-sufficiency. And they might not. But I guarantee you that if we let the world set expectations for our children, they’ll start low. And they’ll stay there. Maybe your son’s capable of much more than we know. And maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t understand how to tell us. Or… we haven’t yet learned how to listen.'

Again... please don't read this as any form of assumption about your own circumstances and your son's.   It's just, perhaps, another way of looking at things.

I wish you well.  Hopefully, others will offer their input and perhaps be able to help you better than I can on this point of concern.

Regards,

Tom