Being alone at home

Hi there.  Welcome to the forum.

I suppose the main question that jumps out at me from this is... How is this either a legal or a moral issue?  I can see both if you perceive that he's at risk in some way - and being awake for long hours could pose a risk.  But how would you know one way or the other what he's doing?  When I was his age, I was alone a lot and spent much of that 'alone' time reading horror and detective fiction.  They were my passion.  Even when someone else was at home, though, I'd mostly be up in my room alone doing my own thing.  Reading, writing, playing snooker on a tiny table I had.  I even played board games on my own, taking 'everyone's' turn myself (Cluedo was not best suited to that!)  Often, I'd be doing these things into the early hours, long after my parents were asleep.

You say your son is on the spectrum, and I'm guessing that he's high-functioning/Asperger's.  Does he do things that really do pose a risk - and I mean a risk to life?  As a much younger child, I used to set fire to my toys a lot.  I almost caused a serious fire once by lighting a firework in my bedroom.  A lot of these are things that many kids do, though.  At 16, he's probably beyond that stage - unless, of course, his condition affects him in a way that he really doesn't understand risks.  In which case, yes... you have a point.  But based on the information you've given, it doesn't sound like that level of risk is involved.

Best regards,

Tom

Hi Tom thanks for your reply our son is autistic .Sorry if I haven't explained myself correctly.My problem is leaving him home alone while hes fast asleep.usually in the morning when the working day starts Regards Shane

Hi Shane,

Okay, I get that he's autistic (as I am), but I'm guessing that he's very high-functioning (as I am).  Your main worry seems to be leaving him when he's fast asleep - because you know he'll be awake and watching TV re-runs and going online.  My point is... how can you be sure that he's doing this if, when you leave him, he's fast asleep?  Maybe he continues to sleep... until he naturally wakes, and then starts with the TV and internet.  I'm just not sure what that moral issue is.  Do you feel bad about leaving him alone, even though he's old enough to be left, because you fear he's a risk to himself if he's left unattended?  Or is it that you're not there to distract him?  Do you think that these activities of his are putting him at harm?  For instance, do you think he might be using online sites that put him at risk of 'grooming'?

Sorry if it's not clear, but I'm just trying to establish what your main cause for concern is.  I suppose, if I'm honest, my parents were worried that way.  I was happier staying indoors and focusing on the things I enjoyed rather than going out and making friends.  My experiences at school, and afterwards, made me more inclined to enjoy my own company.  I was bullied throughout school, and didn't really enjoy being around people my own age.  Mum and dad tried to get me to go to a youth club - but I didn't enjoy it, so they didn't persist.  My 'obsessions' were what made me happy - even if they weren't exactly wholesome.  Lurid horror stories, and the like.  What kinds of TV programmes does he watch?  Maybe they're educational - or things like 'The Big Bang Theory', which might give him a level of character identification that he understands and enjoys.  And maybe when he's online, he's using sites where he finds a form of community that he feels safe with.  Asperger's sites, or forums like this.

Regards,

Tom

Really Tom, nobody knows your son better than you do. You are the one to judge if he is old enough and capable enough to wake up on his own. When I  was fourteen my mother used to say 'well you were never a latch key kid, I was always there when you came home from school', but she always used to shout at me the moment I walked through the door for being late because I would like to spend some time with my friends at the bus station before I came home from school. There was a lot of smoking and shoplifting going on in my year too as well as truancy, despite the fact I was at grammar school which was supposed to be one of the best. The important thing is that your son feels safe and loved, but he also needs to understand that adults may have other responsibilities too and cannot spend all their time with him. If his autism prevents him from leading a full life you also need to show him that you are doing what is in your power to make that life as full as poossible. As he grows older that also includes developing independence and not being so dependent on his parents if possible. Showing that you are spending time in helping him toward this and communicating with him about what he does when he wakes up alone, showing that you are interested and care if he is ok about it should help. If he is not capable of that level of communication then yes you should question if he is ok to be left alone.

NAS23828 said:

When alls said and done hes still my son and my primary purpose is to nurture and protect him.

Hi Shane,

I understand.  Yes, that's perfectly natural - and in that sense I do see the moral issue you have.  I have a very highly-developed moral sense, but yes - I struggled at first to understand why you thought of it in those terms.  I think it was that I lacked a fuller picture, which I now have.

I hope someone else will come in with their views.  There are plenty, I'm sure, who would have something to suggest on the matter.

Best regards,

Tom

Hi Tom

Sorry about late reply i was kinda hoping someone else would have came in.Yes i do think hes at more risk than someone else his own age or older not on the spectrum.Its the reason i posted.Yes his autism does prevent him from leading an otherwise normally-functioning life.I notice you keep referring to the moral issue,i edited my post and removed that ,however you had obviously seen the original post.Tom,as you said earlier "I don't have a processing error; I have a different operating system." This is what prevents you seeing the moral issue,no disrespect.Morals are what humanity is based on,they stem from,spirituality,intuition,common sense and good old right or wrong,they're not something we can label directly because they're a feeling not a physical law like gravity.Morally it doesn't sit right with me leaving him home alone asleep in the daytime after a late night.

I've seen the film you mentioned,i thought it was a little far fetched in places but who knows,i did quite enjoy it though.I realize my son is more than not less than,but only in some areas.When alls said and done hes still my son and my primary purpose is to nurture and protect him.Thanks for your kind and thoughtful comments Tom 

Hi Tom

Sorry about late reply i was kinda hoping someone else would have came in.Yes i do think hes at more risk than someone else his own age or older not on the spectrum.Its the reason i posted.Yes his autism does prevent him from leading an otherwise normally-functioning life.I notice you keep referring to the moral issue,i edited my post and removed that ,however you had obviously seen the original post.Tom,as you said earlier "I don't have a processing error; I have a different operating system." This is what prevents you seeing the moral issue,no disrespect.Morals are what humanity is based on,they stem from,spirituality,intuition,common sense and good old right or wrong,they're not something we can label directly because they're a feeling not a physical law like gravity.Morally it doesn't sit right with me leaving him home alone asleep in the daytime after a late night.

I've seen the film you mentioned,i thought it was a little far fetched in places but who knows,i did quite enjoy it though.I realize my son is more than not less than,but only in some areas.When alls said and done hes still my son and my primary purpose is to nurture and protect him.Thanks for your kind and thoughtful comments Tom 

Really Tom, nobody knows your son better than you do. You are the one to judge if he is old enough and capable enough to wake up on his own. When I  was fourteen my mother used to say 'well you were never a latch key kid, I was always there when you came home from school', but she always used to shout at me the moment I walked through the door for being late because I would like to spend some time with my friends at the bus station before I came home from school. There was a lot of smoking and shoplifting going on in my year too as well as truancy, despite the fact I was at grammar school which was supposed to be one of the best. The important thing is that your son feels safe and loved, but he also needs to understand that adults may have other responsibilities too and cannot spend all their time with him. If his autism prevents him from leading a full life you also need to show him that you are doing what is in your power to make that life as full as poossible. As he grows older that also includes developing independence and not being so dependent on his parents if possible. Showing that you are spending time in helping him toward this and communicating with him about what he does when he wakes up alone, showing that you are interested and care if he is ok about it should help. If he is not capable of that level of communication then yes you should question if he is ok to be left alone.

NAS23828 said:

When alls said and done hes still my son and my primary purpose is to nurture and protect him.

Hi Shane,

I understand.  Yes, that's perfectly natural - and in that sense I do see the moral issue you have.  I have a very highly-developed moral sense, but yes - I struggled at first to understand why you thought of it in those terms.  I think it was that I lacked a fuller picture, which I now have.

I hope someone else will come in with their views.  There are plenty, I'm sure, who would have something to suggest on the matter.

Best regards,

Tom