saying No

Hi I am mum to 12 year old boy with adhd and asd.He is very prone to cause damage to property and to anyone in our home who does not comply with his demands.He becomes completely out of control and is unable to calm down and talk about his feelings without escalating into a very dangerous level of aggression.I have had to call the police out and when they've attended he very quickly changes and though he dosent talk about his feelings he will say he's sorry and sounds almost angelic in his responses.This comes after myself being injured and him laughing because I have fallen over.It scares me that he can switch it on and off like that and I'm not sure how we can continue on like this as I have no intention of repeatedly phoning the police in order to restore mine and my families safety.Can anyone relate

Your replies to Marjorie and myself make complete sense to me.  Your son sounds identical to my daughter and I have never been able to say that before.  If is sad but comforting to know someone knows exactly what its like.

Madam had a friend who she was completely obsessed with, but she has ruined it because she got too possessive and agressive when she had to say goodbye, it breaks my heart.

She has got herself in alot of trouble with instagram doing what other kids have told her to do so we have blocked it now.  I want her to use social media but she seems unable to do so without complete supervision.  She is always arranging to buy things and sees everyone as good friends even though she might not have met them.

Good Luck in the new term!!

You keep strong too x

I agree, no was something I kept for things which were totally unacceptable. I tollerated all sorts of borderline behaviour. I drew the line at such things as associating with known drug takers for example.

I have a son with Aspergers and the only way I dealt with it from an early age was for me to think in advance whether I was going to be able to stick with NO. If I wasn't then I wouldn't say No - if it was important then I never gave in. It did work in the end because when be was about 12-13 he became a very good negotiater and we rarely had the tantrums etc. A lot of it was just that he didn't understand my reasoning. He is grown up now but will still remember incidents which are long forgotten to me and ask me why I didn't let him do a certain thing. Really straightforward rules helped as well. When he was little, instead of having a battle over sweets while out shopping, I made the rule that I bought him sweets on a Friday. He accepted that whereas me randomly letting him have sweets one day and not the next wold have just been confusing.

Marjorie, I have had heard that kind of parenting advice before.  I'm guessing that you have not raised any autistic children? Anyway, I did make him write a schedule of things he will do to earn the sports subsciption.  Nevertheless, the fact remains that "No" is very difficult for him as he does not understand things the way other kids do. For me, following the usual parenting advice for non autistic children is therefore ineffective.

Dolly - He used to cope well at school but now he has a high level of anxiety around school and has taken a lot of time off as a result.  He has some long standing friends but does not go out of the house much although he communicates with his friends on the XBox and Instagram.  

He struggles to care for himself but I suspect that if I was not around and he had to look after himself then he would manage.  He can make a cup of tea but he won't attempt to make a sandwich, for example.  His personal hygeine is bad in the holidays but fine when he has to go to school.  His room is a tip with rubbish and food everywhere.  I go into it about once a week to sort it out otherwise it would be a serious health and safety hazard!!!   

I've just had to cancel an appointment for his ADOS assessment as I will be away.  I'm so frustrated!  Hopefully, we will get another appointment soon. 

Keep strong! x

I do sympathise with your situation. I was a horribly selfish teenager, way back in the sixties. I had no regard for rules, either at school or at home. No, from my parents always meant no, so I just lied to them, and did what I wanted anyway. I had few possessions, so breaking things was never an option. Caring about other people and their point of view, came very late for me. I only really understood my parents viewpoint when I had children of my own.

  We are all leading busy lives and we want our families to be happy. I know how important it is as a parent to have happy children. It seems like a solution to back down and let them have certain things, so that they fit in with school mates and home life is peaceful but you may be making matters worse in the long run.

If your child asks for something and you say no, they have 2 options:- to accept your decission or to fight for what they want.

If they decide to fight for what they want and you then give them what they want, then that is a successful way of getting what they want. A subscription to a sport channel is a great reward for their effort. You have in effect rewarded their bad behaviour.

I really feel that this sounds unfair, when you want to give your children the good things in life that they say their friends have. But you could make them earn these things with good behaviour.

Bad behaviour should have bad consequences. If they break things, then they should go without until they have made some reparation. They need to earn the replacement by earning cash from a paper round or doing work for you and the family to earn cash to save up and contribute to the replacement.

I believe stealing should have serious consequences to make sure it is nipped in the bud before they try it outside the family home.

No must mean NO, not maybe or you may be able to convince me, though I fear you may have a struggle to turn this around.

You sound exactly the same as me. I married into the biggest family in the area. Only explained things to one relation to be told she just needs to get in her head she needs to lose a couple of stone (medication ) and to stop hurting people. Wish it was so easy

She threw a kettle of hot water at me (she didn't,t know it wasn't boiling) on the takeaway incident and didn,'t know she had done it.  It's so sad!!

How does your son manage in school??Does he have many friends.  My daughter gravitates to all the people who are bad for her.  Can he care for himself at all?

It's great speaking to someone who knows what it's like 

"When we say no we get hurt or something gets smashed big items like t.vs, computers and stuff"

Same here!  I'm looking for the same answers as you.  It is very hard, isn't it?  I can't even tell friends and family about the difficulties I have because his behaviour is just so shocking - I'm ashamed and don't want people to know about his outbursts.  He can be so lovely in many other ways.  His siblings are terrified of him.    

Sorry I just repeated what I put in a previous comment there, I am going mad I think!!

Thanks so much.  I keep thinking I am causing trouble for myself by saying No and it would be easier giving in, but she wants everything and I can't afford to keep up with her but I do keep wondering am I doing more harm than good saying no.  most of the time I am just trying my best to keep her safe.

When we say no we get hurt or something gets smashed big items like t.vs, computers and stuff

Does anyone know of any courses which can help with my general knowlege of ASD or any services social services may provide which specifically relate to autism as I feel I have alot to learn as my daughter has such a new diagnosis and from reading through the website I know it is the correct diagnosis

thanks again for all your help

I haven't got any advice.  I just sympathise entirely as I have the exact same problem with my 14 year old son.  He thinks that if I say "no" to him that I am being desperately unreasonable and treating him unfairly and he gets extremely distressed and angry with me for saying "no".  This behaviour has ended up in me spending money on him that I cannot afford.  For example, he recently wanted me to buy him a subscription to a sports chanel.  He really "needed" to watch the games that are on the chanel and if he didn't watch them he told me that he would be the odd one out in school.  He wouldn't stop mithering and getting upset and angry until I eventually gave in and subscribed.  I'm at my wits' end.

I think the take-away scenario might partly due to her expecting the take-away and not being able to deal with what she perceives as a plan being broken. 

Thankyou for your comments.  They are so helpful, I will start trying that straightaway.   Is there any chance you could give me an example.  The situation in the last couple of days is this:-

Friday night is takeaway night.  My daughter had really hurt me and then gone out to a party without my permission and stolen money from my bag.  

The next day she started demanding her takeaway and I said no you chose to be out and you stole off me so therefore you can't have one.  She just couldn't accept it and attacked me got my bag off me and went and got one.

Since she has been calm I have tried to talk about it but she just doesn't understand why I wouldn't allow it.

Any advice what I could have said at the time to make it easier for her to deal with.  I really think the 2 options will help us but don't know how I could have stopped her fury without backing down.

I dont really understand why i cant do what i want to do when i want to do it and i'm twice your daughters age. I find it hard when people say no to me. Its easier if they present my with a couple of options other that what i wanted to do. Its kind of a get out clause and i dont have to back down and not get my own way. I just get an alternative way.

So rather than saying no i get "well we could do A or B, which one do you fancy" i get to pick so i still have control over the situation

Hope this isnt too muddled