Judgement from other parents

There is a way of dealing with this but you need to understand how bullying works. There will be one or two ringleaders and lots of "flying monkeys" who only join in to avoid being a victim of the bully.

If you get tuts and judgemental mutters you say loudly, preferably looking directly at the ringleaders "Thank you for your concerns about my autistic child. Please can you move away because your negative energy is increasing his distress."

You must say it calmly and in a matter of fact tone. It will make the flying monkeys reluctant to participate because they don't want to be mean but need to act in the way the ringleaders set. If the ringleaders get verbally abusive, you then speak to the school.

I get this every time my son has a melt down in public . I get those cant you control your child looks .

I normally ignore them and try to calm my son . but if I hear them say anything my protective mother instinct kicks in and tell them he has autism and he is having a melt down . some times they apolagise and walk away 

zek1234 said:

all I got was comments of animal and monster to the click gathering for a look.

that you have a friend who's on your side. Sounds like you're being really resilient too - great idea about having a 'mantra' to repeat to yourself to block out the ignorant / prejudiced comments. 

I heard of a parent saying to another unhelpful mum 'Do you have a child with autism? No? Then you don't know what you're talking about'. Good luck and take care.

Thank you for your comments. It has really helped me. I'm trying very hard to go a thick skin and let the comments wash over me.

The school tried this but made things worse. I just think some people are to so ignorant. I do wonder how they would deal with what I have to on a day to day basis and see how they would cope.

The headteacher tried coming out on the playground and they thought it was becuase of my child. I said actually you will find alot of other parents are fed up on the nasty comments. Of course the day the head is there they go all quiet.

Someone said something the other day that made me think yes you are right. They said they are the school bully who has never grown up and its true.  I have had a friend at school who has started meeting me and helping me be strong to ignore them as best I can and last couple of days keep singing in my head "shake it off" to help me deal with it.

Thank you for the suggestion of NAS will look for that - anything that helps but said that in society today we have to do that.

Thank you drowningnotwaving, you as the other comments have really helped me. Have taken on board and going to try not to take it all in and upset me best I can.

Hi

I really feel for you - my son is now 15 and it took me a long time to develop a thick skin (actually it's still a work in progress!). The lack of  understanding and empathy from other parents is a very tough thing to bear, especially when what you want to do is help your child!

I started out by trying to explain to people who didn't understand, so that they could. But I discovered that many if not most people do not want to listen / understand and what helped me get through it was to try not to take unhelpful / ignorant comments personally. This is very hard I know but it's important to protect your sanity by reminding yourself it's not your or your child's fault!   Other's lack of understanding and empathy is very much their problem - try not to let it become yours. Ignore if you can, and move away (physically and psychologically if you can!)

I also found that I didn't owe it to anyone to explain - unless it would help my child. So when the lady at the Tescos local said to me - can't you control your son? I simply said  ' No. Perhaps you'd like to try?' It wasn't positive or a clever put down but it helped to shut her up, made me feel less out of control and more focussed on what I needed to do for my son. I've also used the NAS's 'this young person has autism card' - I hope they are still producing these as it politely asks people to be more tolerant and raises awareness in a positive way.

The playground situation is tricky. I've been there many many times. Changing hearts and minds takes time. Would you be able to talk to the school SENCO - perhaps they could send out a general letter raising awareness about autism and thanking parents for being understanding?

Some people will not want to understand or be tolerant, though. So it helps to steel yourself against this and try not to take their negativity on. 

It's not easy being a person with autism! And it's not easy being a parent of a child with autism. It can be lonely and isolating for the primary carer who is always in the firing line!  The intolerance / ignorance of others can make it a very bruising. The single, most helpful thing was to meet other mums in similar situations (e.g. the local NAS branch meetings).  Try to remember that only those who have walked similar paths truly understand the journey you are on. The very best of luck to you.

I think also you need to console yourself with the fact that all these other mothers with their notion their kids are smarter may yet learn it is not that easy.

It is astonishing how many kids 'fall by the wayside' between childhood and adulthood, even in potentially safer 'middle class' communities.

Of those smart mothers being critical of your child's difficulties coping with a very real disability, some will have children who end of taking drugs, become alcoholics, gamblers, get into crime, develop other conditions affecting success in life etc etc. You wont find a gaggle of mothers outside the school gates tutting at miscreant 18 year olds. They might be tutting out of sight, but the stigma is not the same as the easy disapproval at nursery and primary school.

You asked about solutions. I think if you explained that autism makes it difficult for children to pick up life skills, besides causing them much stress, you might then ask them if they think they can do anything to help?

Three things are at work in these situations: lack of understanding of autism, notions about certain things being obvious, and fear of difference.

The lack of understanding of autism could be resolved, but what makes it harder is the way autism is represented in the media, and the complexity of the condition.

NTs (non-autistics or maybe even "muggles") take their social connectivity skills for granted. They have social referencing and can gauge their behaviours easily erelative to others. To them it is 'obvious' - if a child isn't conforming it must be a naughty child or bad parenting.

What is not getting across about autism is that children on the spectrum have little or no social referencing. You won't find that in the Triad of Impairments, not implicitly. And yet that is a huge part of the problem at this age - kids on the spectrum don't register social learning.

Then there is fear of difference. I think it is something inherited from when we were all packs of monkeys swinging in the trees, when an oddly behaving monkey was a risk to the others and had to be excluded or killed. You'd think we had moved on, but those tutting parents are really just monkeys up a tree, chattering. If you look at them that way it might help.

You can see parallels though in disability hate crime - people who have a mental health problem, real or perceived, being hounded out of communities because people construe them as a threat.

I didn't get a diagnosis until my fifties, but I grew up in a much less informed society. I was excluded a lot socially - anyone I made friends with even briefly suddenly unavailable because the parents had been warned about me by other parents. I endured many years of intense bullying and exclusion because I was just a bit different.

It is not at all excusable. But it is sadly human nature.