Father not interested in childs diagnosis or how to help

It actually sounds as though you are both in a good place about your son's problems. :-)

Your husband's outburst sounded a touch like an autistic person's outburst and I was wondering if you had made that connection.

Diagnosis can be liberating, it was for me, but it can also have unwanted affects. Some people take the diagnosis as a confirmation that they are broken and disabled and that it ruins their lives. I think that there is a case for being very sparing in the use of the label and to try and be a very good parent and make sure he goes to a suitable school and that he is aware of it but that he doesn't decide that he is damaged in any way.

I should have clarified that my obsession is very much internal and research centred, not something I talk about a lot to him, in fact, last night was probably the first time I'd shared something I was looking at with him. I don't think he sees autism as a negative thing, he actually thinks he has traits himself! But he doesn't feel that he needs to read up about it to know how to interact with his son. I don't see this as an issue as I know he has a wonderful way with the children, we are both keen to deal with any outbursts and tantrums in a gentle way and help them to calm down and teach them to express their feelings in other ways, this isn't a philosophy that we've come to since the diagnosis, it's a basic courtesy that I think should be afforded to all people when they are children. I was actually trying to say that just because your husband doesn't want to research autism, doesn't mean that he is ashamed of your son or that he doesn't accept the condition.

Can I hypothesise that perhaps your son has some of his father's traits? His outburst sounds a bit like he has been pushed and is starting to snap.

IF (very big IF) your partner has also got a touch of autism THEN your obsession (your word) may translate into unbearable pressure for hubby. I have some considerable sympathy for him, he sounds like a loving caring father and is doing the best he can. Some people see the label as a negative and perhaps he doesn't want to have a son who might be regarded by some as in some way disabled.

Hi, my son recently got a diagnosis for asd and just browsing these forums I found your post and I can relate. Part of the reason I'm on here is because I feel like I need to talk about this! It's huge! It answers a lot of questions for me and I've become a little obsessed with researching it. We have also been discussing the possibility of our son having autism for a few months but now that we have our answers my husband is not interested. He's a loving father and super involved in both out boys, I honestly don't feel that he is ashamed of our son or his autism but last night I was talking to him about it and he said "look, to be honest I don't give a *** about autism and I don't want to know about it, I just love George and I know him and I want to deal with each day as it comes. I don't want to spend time worrying about how things might be or how life might be hard for him, just deal with it when oR if it comes."

I confess i was a little hurt by his bluntness (he doesn't usually swear) but I know where he's coming from and I'm a bit jealous that he can have such a simple view of it. We do know our son and we understand him, I find research comforting but he obviously doesn't. I don't think it tells me anything I don't already know about G personally, which is really all that matters. I think for him all the diagnosis is is a way to help others understand G and for him to access extra services he needs, not something that he needs in order to get to know his son better

Hi Melon,

  When my son was diagnosed I have to confess I was lost. It was a bereavement of sorts and i had to go through all the stages of grief, including anger. Like your husband i didn't research anything. It took me ages to process how i felt and I was so bogged down with managing everyday behaviours, it was more than I could take. Had I of found the courage to do some research, I probably would have learnt about managing behaviours rather than trudging on ignorant of what to do. I didn't even find the courage to join a forum untill more recently.

Each person approaches diagnosis in their own way and that includes the individual themselves. My son was convinced he had something terminal when an insensitive consultant blurted it out. He took it really badly. My other son however, embraced his difficulties and actively searched for solutions.

I believe my sons ASD comes from my side of the family also, in fact i'm certain of it. However, it's not just having the knowledge that you have the condition thats important, it's about how you move forward and look at strategies to cope. It will probably be an evolutionary process and all you can do is your best. Be patient I'm sure given time your husband will accept and move forward.

Regards,

Coogybear. x

It seems to me that a bit of patience and reflection is in order at this point.

IF (this is a big if) you have Asperger's then you will find it hard to figure out what your partner is thinking. This is a difficulty that is part of the AS package.

IF (also a big if) your husband has Asperger's then he will find it equally hard to imagine what you think the problem is.

(Technically this is called problems with "Social Imagination" - the NAS site explains what this is about)

IF you are both somewhere on the spectrum then you need to be even more thoughtful in how you deal with each other. It sounds as though you are going to have to lead this by setting an example - hopefully your partner will catch up in due course.

Can you try to "think twice and speak once" (an adaptation of the carpenter's saying of "measure twice and cut once"). Bite your tongue, look for the positives, try and understand what he is thinking. This is also a skill that you will need to develop in dealing with your son. He will benefit from calm, consistent, thoughtful responses. He will not respond well to rash, rushed, impulsive and impetuous actions.

Thanks everyone, glad its not just me that thinks this is unacceptable.

I am still with the father and we usually have a good relationhip. he is generally loving and involved with the kids. I don't think he has ASD too (its more likely me that has!). Anyway i'm just having trouble understanding why a father would have no interest in this. A big thing in his sons life. It's not like the diagnosis is a surprise to us as we have talked about the posibility of son having ASD for a long time. 

Its kind of like he really can't be bothered with this, and don't worry because mum (me) will handle it. I don't want to handle it on my own, its too much responsibility for 1 person. 

IF the father has ASD then the last way to approach it is in a confrontational manner. It is highly counterproductive.

AS is highly inheritable - I'm an aspie dad and we think that we can trace back through 3 generations!

I see diagnosis as a way of understanding how I'm different from the NT world - being an aspie has been very hard work pre-diagnosis. I'm hoping that the dx can help make the post-diagnosis bit better.

With the greatest respect for Yorkshirelass, unless the father also has an ASV, "its hard for him" is no excuse. Its hard for the aspie child too, the man needs to step up for his son.

Is there any possibility that the husband has undiagnosed Aspergers? This hypothesis would explain reluctance to engage with the condition out of fear of personal diminishment...

If so, it needs to be made clear that Autism in general, and Aspergers in particular is nothing to be ashamed of. Many of the great minds in human history have/had Aspergers....

thats tough. I want to rant that hes ashamed of your son (not uncommon, Ive heard of people denying paternity of Autistic children), and you need to do damage control and get the father out of the sons life...but a) this may not be the case and b) parental abandonment is damaging also (especially compounded by potential thought "did he leave because of my ASV?")

You need to impress on your husband that he is currently failing his son and needs to do better and see if this causes improvement in his behavour.