Husband not supportive in daughter going for autism assessment

From a husband’s perspective…

Over the years I’ve been around many families in similar situations to ours as our son was growing up. It was not uncommon for me to see the mother leading the charge toward getting a diagnosis and support, while the father resisted in one way or another from the rear...

I've seen plenty of dads whose egos were threatened by the idea that their child might not be completely typical - as if it reflected poorly on them or signalled weakness.  I also knew dads who thought they were protecting their child by avoiding a diagnosis, worrying that a label might 'affect them in later life', say by reducing their chances of being accepted into a particular private school for example.  And there were some dads who just didn’t want to know and didn't want to be involved (real charmers those guys...).

That said, I know some who were supportive from the start, but in almost every case I never saw a dad leading the effort.  The only exception was a single father I know whose partner had left him because she couldn’t cope with a young child who had autism that was also profoundly deaf.

My point is that parents very often approach these situations from different angles. I say push for the diagnosis and let your husband come to terms with it in his own time. Don’t be held back - not even for a day. The early years are far more critical for your daughter than the later ones.

You’re her mother and you know better than anyone what’s right for her. Trust your instincts. Your relationship with your husband is a separate matter and, from what you’ve described above, needs to be addressed separately to what's in your daughter's best interests.

Best of luck.

It sounds to me like some couples therapy might help, your husbands world has been turned upside down too and by the sounds of it he's not coping with it and is leaving all the emotional heavy lifting to you. I do think that when you get a late diagnosis, I was 50 when I got mine, that you look back on life through a different lens, some things become more understandable, some more raw and some even more incomprehensible. Try and get your daughter sorted out and don't make any big relationship desicions yet

I have noted your comments and ammended my post. You are right 

Hi Chloe - congratulations on your diagnoses and welcome to the community.

I can only imagine how exhausted and lonely you must be feeling, and my heart goes out to you. My diagnosis experience was hard enough, and that was without having also had to lead a child through two diagnoses of their own, whilst faced with opposition from my partner to all of it.

I can relate to your concerns (and wouldn't dream of suggesting that they might be a "fixation" or "cognitive distortion", or that diagnoses are "just labels").

For me, my diagnosis was a life-changing revelation that has fundamentally changed how I understand, think about, and accommodate myself - and I need my partner to share that understanding, and to be supportive as I try to adapt how I live to better match my needs and capabilities.

My partner is supposed to be "my person" - the person in this world who I can count on the most to be fully invested in understanding and supporting me in the best way that they can. If they're not willing to do that, then it raises major concerns about their level of love and respect for me, and their level of investment in making our relationship work.

It could certainly take time for your husband to accept, absorb, and process the implications of these diagnoses - although he'd ideally have learned about everything alongside you, in a supportive way. But only you can decide what's best for you and your daughter.

In respect of getting access to some immediate support, you might find it helpful to talk with your GP. They might be able to provide support via, for example, such things as medication, talking therapy, and/or referring you to a social prescriber (who might be able to help with finding local support groups, for example).

I'd also suggest checking out Autistic Parents UK, whose resources include peer support via both Facebook and Discord, facilitated groups, and one-on-one support:

"Autistic Parents UK CIO was founded in 2020 by Autistic parents seeking connection and support, born from a deep understanding of the unique challenges Autistic individuals face while navigating parenthood. We are the only national, Autistic-led charity offering essential support services, resources, education and a thriving community for Autistic parents."

Facebook - Autistic Parents UK - Peer Support Group

Autistic Parents UK - Peer Support

You might like to consider seeking emotional support from other parents who are, or who have been, in a similar situation via the NAS's parent-to-parent helpline. You can request a call here:

NAS - Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline

You might also find these resources helpful:

NAS - How will I feel after receiving an autism diagnosis

NAS - Autistic fatigue and burnout

NAS - Depression

I wish you all the best as you and your daughter - and hopefully also your husband - work through this new chapter in your lives.

Hi Chloe, 

Sorry to hear this. If you are recently diagnosed, I wouldn’t make any big decisions about your marriage.it’s a funny time with lots of emotions and perspective changes that may cloud your vision or may help you to see more clearly but it’s early days and difficult to tell at first. 

If you can’t get the support from your husband right now you could seek it elsewhere. A counsellor/ therapist is a good idea I think as you’ll get an impartial, sympathetic ear who will not challenge your views but just listen so that you can work through them and figure out what’s right moving forward. Sometimes this is better than family or friends as they often want to resolve the problem or challenge your ideas whereas a therapist will just  give you the space to figure it out. 

Your husband may be struggling to come to terms with your daughter’s autism and perhaps this is because he views it as something being ‘wrong’ with your daughter and he doesn’t want that for her. Sometimes the more you try to convince someone, the more they dig their heels in. He might come to the realisation on his own terms and in his own time and in the meantime you can focus on other things and give yourself a well earned break from the stress of it all. 

Good luck with this. It’s hard. I’m not sure if my words have been helpful but if they’re not, disregard this and keep looking for the support you need. There are lots of people here who are willing to listen and help. 

Edit. In light of Bunny's post, perhaps I misunderstood. I'm sorry. I have removed the original comment.

You should of course do what is best for your daughter. You would hope you would be supported in this by your partner. Your frustration is reasonable. 

I thought your main concern was that you saw something your husband does not and that he does not see the value in pursuing diagnoses.

I wasn't sure if your frustration was with your husband for not seeing your issues or supporting you, for not seeing his own  issues, not seeing you daughters issues, or the status of your relationship in general.

These seem separate issues.

I would think if you have been together for 26 years you would know how to live with each other. If you want some changes, you could do that anyway, or seek counselling.

But it seems the main problem is getting your daughter a ASD assessment, then maybe discuss that first with GP or school, I assume she was not considered for this previously as a joint assessment. I just meant to raise the possibility of whether she actually, but the only way to know to be assessed.

I was trying to see things from you husbands perspective in case it could be helpful. But I did not mean to be unkind.

I just wanted to raise the possibility you might be getting overloaded. Maybe you also need some help.