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Husband not supportive in daughter going for autism assessment

Chloe1980

Hello

I am recently diagnosed at 44 with Autism, ADHD last year. I had to convince my husband I had ADHD and he didn’t believe me until I got the diagnosis then it was the same with the Autism. He then realised he has ADHD but would never go for a diagnosis. I mentioned a year ago to him that I thought our daughter had ADHD and Autism and he got really defensive saying there was no way and I’ve had to fight emotionally every tiny step of the way, from chew necklaces to talking to the school to going for an assessment, after many fallouts eventually he sees her ADHD then it was more convincing to take her for a diagnosis but he still refuses to see the Autism, despite me saying I see it clearly and despite my diagnosis. I am utterly exhausted, on top of all this he hasn’t even talked to me about my diagnosis saying it doesn’t change anything. I know it sounds dramatic but I’m starting to actually seriously question my marriage, this is not an unfamiliar pattern , we’ve been together since we were 18 and now I see my life through new eyes I’m starting to question everything and it feels very, very lonely.

I am just wondered is this common for me to feel this way after late diagnosis, is anyone on here going through similar? I have fought for over three years to get both my diagnosis and now I feel I’m alone in getting my daughter's. I feel like I’ve been in the Truman show my whole life and just realised I’m in the Truman show. Feeling very sad and burnt out.

Parents

  • Hi Chloe, 

    Sorry to hear this. If you are recently diagnosed, I wouldn’t make any big decisions about your marriage.it’s a funny time with lots of emotions and perspective changes that may cloud your vision or may help you to see more clearly but it’s early days and difficult to tell at first. 

    If you can’t get the support from your husband right now you could seek it elsewhere. A counsellor/ therapist is a good idea I think as you’ll get an impartial, sympathetic ear who will not challenge your views but just listen so that you can work through them and figure out what’s right moving forward. Sometimes this is better than family or friends as they often want to resolve the problem or challenge your ideas whereas a therapist will just  give you the space to figure it out. 

    Your husband may be struggling to come to terms with your daughter’s autism and perhaps this is because he views it as something being ‘wrong’ with your daughter and he doesn’t want that for her. Sometimes the more you try to convince someone, the more they dig their heels in. He might come to the realisation on his own terms and in his own time and in the meantime you can focus on other things and give yourself a well earned break from the stress of it all. 

    Good luck with this. It’s hard. I’m not sure if my words have been helpful but if they’re not, disregard this and keep looking for the support you need. There are lots of people here who are willing to listen and help. 

Reply

  • Hi Chloe, 

    Sorry to hear this. If you are recently diagnosed, I wouldn’t make any big decisions about your marriage.it’s a funny time with lots of emotions and perspective changes that may cloud your vision or may help you to see more clearly but it’s early days and difficult to tell at first. 

    If you can’t get the support from your husband right now you could seek it elsewhere. A counsellor/ therapist is a good idea I think as you’ll get an impartial, sympathetic ear who will not challenge your views but just listen so that you can work through them and figure out what’s right moving forward. Sometimes this is better than family or friends as they often want to resolve the problem or challenge your ideas whereas a therapist will just  give you the space to figure it out. 

    Your husband may be struggling to come to terms with your daughter’s autism and perhaps this is because he views it as something being ‘wrong’ with your daughter and he doesn’t want that for her. Sometimes the more you try to convince someone, the more they dig their heels in. He might come to the realisation on his own terms and in his own time and in the meantime you can focus on other things and give yourself a well earned break from the stress of it all. 

    Good luck with this. It’s hard. I’m not sure if my words have been helpful but if they’re not, disregard this and keep looking for the support you need. There are lots of people here who are willing to listen and help. 

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