Estranged ASD son

Dear Bijay, 

Thank you for sharing your experiences with our online community. We would like to remind you of rule 2 of our online community:

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Kind Regards,
Rosie Mod

Yes, absolutely heart breaking. Difficult to know what to do in moving forward. 

I am Bijay ***, reaching out in the hope of receiving assistance for my 3 years and 3 months old son, Rupak ***, who faces certain challenges related to autism, making it difficult for him to communicate clearly.

In our residential area, there are no therapy facilities. We have attempted to access therapy services in the city, but due to our financial limitations, it has become challenging to afford such costly treatment regularly. I work in a remote location, and my wife has the responsibility of caring for our other young child, which has further restricted us from providing Rupak the necessary therapy.

The silence of our son has deeply weighed on us emotionally. We believe that any invaluable support could bring back the happiness we have lost in our family. It has been disheartening that the state government has not shown sensitivity towards such issues, and therapy centers are largely focused on profit, adding to our struggles.

Therefore, I am making this heartfelt appeal for any form of financial and moral support from you. Even a small amount of help from you would bring new hope to our family and play a crucial role in securing Rupak’s brighter future.

I am open to any advice or alternative support you may suggest, and I am ready to coordinate with you as needed.

I would be deeply grateful for your empathy and support.

Sincerely,

Bijay [content removed by Moderator due to breaches of the online community rules and guidelines]

Hello there, I'm so sorry that you are going through this as well, I too ignored some of my sons issues, hoped they would sort them self's out, it's a terrible loss, I have never experienced loss like it 

Hi we are in a similar situation with our daughter. She left home age 17 just after a late diagnosis of autism. We have tried to reconnect  sent letters,birthday and Christmas presents. We haven't seen or spoken to her for over 2 and a half years.

We pay for the phone but are blocked on all channels. My husband drove 6 hours and built up the courage to knock on her door for the first time, she glared at him didn't speak, just shut and locked the door behind him.

We are so upset but ultimately it is her decision to reject us. She struggles with anxiety and depression and lives on DLA. We have a loving extended family and she chooses complete isolation.

Our parenting wasn't the best . No excuses, but we didn't know she had autism and no idea of how to deal with her at the time. We never intended to cause her distress, but ended up ignoring the problems  and hoped things would improve . Like you I have huge regrets. I was juggling a full time job and my father's terminal illness and we didn't prioritise her complex needs.

Can't say we have any idea about what to do either. I think she has the view that she is better off without us but her social isolation worries me. 

We try to keep on going but feel sad about how our once loving daughter has chosen rejection and shut us out of her life.

Hello Nemo

Had to create another account as original one wouldn't let me log in

Thank you for your kind words , It helps hearing from someone who understands 

Hello Nemo 

I have set up a second profile as unable to log in and access the other for some reason !

Yes I have support , but I feel that I am boring people sometimes . I feel better than last week , It comes in waves . I miss the boy I loved and find it very hard to come to terms with the fact that he is just not that person anymore . I struggle with the fact that he does not even give me a second thought and that he has forgotten me and forgotten how much we loved each other . No contact at all for so long , I just cant imagine doing that to my Dad . He was so so angry with me in the beginning , angry with me for behaving like any parent would under the circumstances , he wanted me to adhere to BOUNDARIES etc that he was setting up to protect himself . I had never heard anything like this before , the texts he sent me in the beginning read like they had been copied from the internet or something , terminology I had never heard him use before , we were terrified he was going to kill himself on quite a few occasions as it seemed that his ability to reason and process things was slipping away. I was completely out of my depth and didn't have a clue what was happening to us .

I guess what I'm looking for is answers , its the not knowing that's the worst thing . Its like he got up and walked away from a car crash and left me in bits at the side of the road .

I sound like a real miserable sod don't I ... I'm not honestly , I think I'm just lost some of the time because I don't understand how it came to this . Anyway your comments and kind words have helped me , the fact that someone understands helps as friends and even family don't truly understand , they don't understand the ASD and how it has influenced things .

Thank you for your support

Do you have enough support for yourself? Do you have  friends and family on whom you you can rely for help?

I know this is a difficult time for you so it's important to look after you physical and emotional health. Fear is a powerful emotion, especially when it relates to our children. I know this; when they were younger I literally saved the life of my son twice and life of my daughter once.

I have experienced familial estrangement both as a child and as a parent so I know how difficult is estrangement. Families are complicated - he wrote with massive understatement.

I am currently estranged from my daughter and grandson. It is painful, like a hole has been carved through my heart. You mentioned you son's stubbornness, I am stubborn, my daughter is stubborn. She has a stubborn streak as wide and deep as the Grand Canyon. If stubbornness were an Olympic event she would be a multiple gold medalist.

I hope you begin to feel better soon. If ever I can support you in my limited way I am happy to listen. I wish you well.

Thank you so much for your comments and advice , he doesn't want me sending messages to anyone . I got warned to leave him alone at the last attempt . I have written letters and put them away with other keep sakes.

I believe he knows that we love him but he just doesn't care anymore , he lost all empathy and emotional connection to me . Its good to know there are people with words of support . I am trying to work out how i can enjoy my life with him gone and the fear of what may happen

Again thankyou for being so kind , its made me cry ... again 

Hi Meleys :),

Welcome to the community. You will discover kind and knowledgeable people here.

I want to validate your feelings and experience. What you are going through must be very difficult for you. As parents we love our children unconditionally and it is a great loss to be estranged from them. It is grief on a grand scale. I can understand why you feel regret but there is a limit to each of our abilities and hindsight may be wonderful in some instance but this is not one of them. In time, it may come to be useful.

From your post and your profile I get the sense you love your son very much. On any given day throughout his life, you did the best you could for him. You kept him safe,\; you looked after his physical and emotional needs. There are probably a lot of things about his life you don't know and no could you know.

I don't like giving advice but, in this case, because I know first-hand about the subject matter, I will offer you two pieces of advice. The first is to be kind to yourself. You were and are the best parent you could be. This is very important for you now and in your future relationship with your son. Secondly, if you can get a message to your son directly or via a third-party let him know you love him, you respect his decision and that he will always be welcome in your heart and home. Let him know you will always be there for him.

At your son's age I carried a lot of anger with me for various reasons and I don't think I was alone in that respect. He may, I stress may, be angry with something(s) and some people. His anger may be displaced. I don't know.

Sincerely, I wish you well in this difficult time. This is not your fault. Be kind to yourself.

I shall be thinking of both of you.

Hello 

Thank you so much for commenting , I actually contacted them yesterday and they have arranged to call me .

Although I have been through various counseling I am still very up and down emotionally and struggling to come to terms with our estrangement 

Thank you

Dear Meleys :),

Welcome to our online community! I hope you find it a helpful resource for support. 

It may be in your interest to look at the Parent to Parent Emotional Support Service which provides emotional support to parents and carers regarding their autistic children/grown-up children. The service is provided by trained volunteers with personal experience as the parent of an autistic child or adult. Our focus is on emotional support and understanding what it is like for you as a parent. We offer empathy, understanding, and a safe space to talk through your feelings and experiences. To request a call, complete a web enquiry form here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/help-and-support/parent-to-parent-helpline 

Kind Regards,
Rosie Mod