My five year old daughter has avoided eating before school, but doesn't want to eat at school either - help!

The PDA thing sounds about right, the article linked has some ideas on tackling it but it would likely help if you can engage with professional support to help learn the techniques.

childmind.org/.../

I don't have children so can't imagine how stressful you are finding this. But I do have some thoughts you might be interested in.

Not eating is often the only way we can gain control over our lives. If she 'has' to go to school, 'has' to be with these people, 'has' to be in this classroom doing these noisy stimulating things she doesn't like, 'has' to learn this stuff she's not sure about, I can understand why she could choose to say 'no' to food.

Is she used to eating in public? If she's only used to eating in the family home, or the homes of other family members, eating with a group of her peers might be overwhelming - the kids will all compare their lunches and pick on the ones that are different. If she's not used to eating in public, try sitting in a busy shopping mall with a sandwich? Or invite some of her friends round for breakfast, find out what they are eating...

What does she say her reasons for not eating are? I know it's hard in the mornings with the rush to get everything done before everyone gets out the door, but unless you know why she isn't eating, you can't change her world, or her perception of it, to make it easier for her.

She might feel physically sick with the anxiety, but doesn't want to eat because she's been sick before and didn't like that thing that her body did when she vomited (it is pretty disgusting). Helping her understand the difference between all the feelings she has inside and see that food is fuel, like we put petrol in the car, to break the link between food and feelings. Giving food treats for good behaviour just reinforces that food is an emotional manipulation, rather than a fuel.

Can you help her plan an experiment? Try one week of 'no breakfast' and one week of 'must have breakfast xxxx', and ask her to compare how she feels about both, helping her keep a diary of how she felt in her own words, and show her the difference? The week would include school days and the weekend, so she can see the differences.

NAS95772 said:

I've noticed for some time that she will avoid eating when she is feeling anxious

Oh I learned to never eat when anxious! It will pass right through me and who knows if I'll make it to the loo! Many of us have gut related issues.  

One theory on autism differences is a difficulty with prediction called the Bayesian Theory. And it seems some of the new research on biological differences back this up. Life is chaotic and random, especially in social situations. We aren't socially programmed the same due to a difference in how we use linguistics. So being thrown into anything new without a proper acclimation period isn't just unnerving.

I wish schools made accommodations for Autistic children and allowed them to go in a week before, find a spot and sit quietly in their new room to feel a sense of connexion and grounding to the surroundings. Once the room fills with students, the seemingly invisible 'essence' of everyone can metaphysically lather the whole room and leave no where for me to find a sense of connexion. Autistics rarely find connexion with others, so there is no sense of feeling safe. It takes a year to get to know someone if they're open to getting to know me and not passing an immediate judgement. I might not be allowed alone time in a space to have a sense of being-with-in, creating a bit of ownership and some sense of grounding.

If the teacher knows this, it would be best for your daughter to have a small snack available every break/hour. Half an oat bar, half a banana, a fruit peeler, a few nuts. This is how a doctor advised me to eat at some point and it really helped. Small bites throughout the day. 

If she can eat half a banana first thing, breakfast in bed for a moments cuddle before she's too anxious about the day, this could do the trick, too. 

Autism can be understood like just a different type of being human, but one more connected to the Natural physical world at the expense of social programming. There are positives to both. Preferring the company of grounded adults or even younger children is often because we're out of sync with our own peer group due to the difference in how we use linguistics, which is the main difference with Autism - words as utility for communication rather than symbolic. 

We don't desensitise like our peers, so we have the ability under the right conditions to really sharpen our ability to recognise physical sensations. But we also have to be careful these are not harmed but protected. Many of us now adults have tinnitus but still have keen hearing. This sensitivity is internal and external. Many of us have gut-health issues. Or, I've yet to meet an Autistic who doesn't have gut sensitivity.

I've found the banana to be a trustworthy breakfast. And if I'm due somewhere, I might not eat as my digestion and constitution are not reliable.

it does sound anxiety related, will she drink something like a smoothie?

Maybe she will get better as she goes through the school year and gets used to it all, going to school is a big thing for any child let alone an ASC one.

Avoiding food is one of the few ways a child can feel any sort of control in their lives, personally I think you need to work out what she's trying to tell you by not eating, it could simply be that her tummy's got so many butterflies that there dosen't feel as though there's room for anything else. If that is so maybe you can try asking her if she has butterflies in her tummy and if she'd like to feed them and what would they like to eat? If you turn it into some kind of game where the focus isn't all about her and what is and isn't doing it would be easier for her?

Hi John and welcome to the community.

If you haven't yet seen them, you might like to take a look at some of the NAS's resources that cover some of the issues you've raised. We're limited regarding how many links we can post at once without running into issues, so I'll keep them to the top level and you can navigate from there:

NAS - Eating

NAS - Demand avoidance

You also mentioned it's her first day back at school, so also:

NAS - Transitions (including localised advice by area of the UK and transition tips)

I hope you find something helpful in amongst those articles and their own links for further information and advice.

Hey I’m sorry to hear that my daughter is also 5 and won’t eat breakfast before school, can I ask how did she get diagnosed, I have had a terrible first year of school (reception) she has a few things I suspect she may have it but quite unsure, covers her ears, constantly clicking her fingers, prefers adults to children, bad anxiety that’s a small list but I could go on and on, I’ve spoken to the school they do not seem interested and dismiss, I’ve been to the doctors and they refer me back to the school so I’m stuck and I don’t want to be causing her harm putting her through it all and not knowing if she has this. I just don’t know what to do or who to talk to? 

hi it could be anxiety on just going to school new environment and maybe the lunch hall could be too loud.

do you think that is the problem