Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
We have recently noticed a change with my BIL particularly with regard to behaviour and communication. Hes 27 and lives at home with his parents (always has). He is one of 3 boys (including my husband, and i would be lying if i said they all were not spoiled through childhood, by that i mean no household responsibilities, waited on, etc.
However, recently they have been navigating a house move which brings considerable stress. My MIL has said she woud like for her and her husband to travel as they have not been away alone for over 27 years.
My brother in law refuses. And states he will be going. My husband tries to intervene, however hes responded to with foul language and i believe by that stage people just wish to difuse a situation.
I suppose im wondering is there anything we can do to support the transition? I would like to this this wpuld lead to conversation around moving out, or for future plans (eg after parent death) as they have never been discussed. I am trying to mitigate any major family fallout
Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated.
I can’t blame your brother in law. I mean he has been permanently disabled for the rest of his life. Who thinks about him? It’s always about the neurotypical person whose life is being ruined by the autistic person. I really feel sorry for him. I mean he didn’t chose to be autistic. Someone has to be responsible for that surely.
Im sorry if thats how the post came across. Being honest, i think he has been shielded which again has resulted in his detriment (i.e loss of full independence). He has so much scope to be independent, he holds down a job, travels to and from etc. However then reverts to this challenging ways when things dont go his way. Which i assume is related changes in environment in recent years?
However, it is always useful to see others peespective, however OG post was a genuine request to help navigate this issue with all parties in mind.
I'm autistic , it comes with a huge share of issues however I'm functioning well outwardly. I wasn't diagnosed as a kid and wasn't that self aware , I would have stayed at my parents a long time without motivation to move out, which came in the form of a girlfriend, now my wife, who I've been with for 26 years, we met when I was 23 and had a home together within about a year.
Familiar surroundings, routine, comfortable and safe feelings, all keep us from moving. It's logical, why create more effort when we're ok where we are? This coupled with and exaggerated by things like PDA and low self confidence will keep someone from wanting to move out of the nest.
Approach it carefully and talk about it as much as you can, but don't make him feel like he's being pushed or it's being demanded of him. Make him see that some independence is for his benefit and also that people will continue to provide that safety and support no matter what he does. Be patient, he'll find it distressing.