Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
We have recently noticed a change with my BIL particularly with regard to behaviour and communication. Hes 27 and lives at home with his parents (always has). He is one of 3 boys (including my husband, and i would be lying if i said they all were not spoiled through childhood, by that i mean no household responsibilities, waited on, etc.
However, recently they have been navigating a house move which brings considerable stress. My MIL has said she woud like for her and her husband to travel as they have not been away alone for over 27 years.
My brother in law refuses. And states he will be going. My husband tries to intervene, however hes responded to with foul language and i believe by that stage people just wish to difuse a situation.
I suppose im wondering is there anything we can do to support the transition? I would like to this this wpuld lead to conversation around moving out, or for future plans (eg after parent death) as they have never been discussed. I am trying to mitigate any major family fallout
Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated.
Yellow tree 118 said:he has been permanently disabled for the rest of his life.
The OP never said he was disabled or autistic though.
Assuming he in NT, I would advocate the blunt approach and tell him he has until a set date to find himself a new place or he will be evicted. He has no rights that I am aware of (ie no rent contract) and he has been given ample time and opportunity ro sort himself out.
He sounds like a spoiled brat if he is NT.
However, if her is autistic then he has a different set of needs and is likely to need someone to help him with the transition. A therapist to help him with the anxiety and dealing with change, a practical person (think project manager) to help him plan the move and understand what is going to happen, and finally some support for him post move if he is unable to deal with life on his own.
Ultimately the issue is one for the parents to address - they are the authority in the family and the technically responsible people for the property so they will need to take the steps to evict him if needed.
The therapist is probably also the person best suited to discuss the "what about future plans / death etc" questions.
Apologies yes he is autistic, however is high functioning (job etc), and lots of ability. I think it was a case of everyone doing best they could at the time, so maybe these are next steps. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
NAS94671 said:he is autistic, however is high functioning (job etc), and lots of ability.
Then I think it is likely a combination of him having difficulty with change, possibly Pathalogical Demand Avoidance and probably anxiety about the unknown ahead.
If you can get him to work with a therapist it would probably be ideal (one who is specialised in autism) but I would support your parents in being firm about the move being set in stone.
Keep the focus on all things about the move going ahead and do not give any space to the discussion about it being called off - this will help him avoid the "what if" scenarios that he may want to cling to.
Sell the positives about the move - more privacy, greater independence, being more attractive to a mate etc. If he can find some of these to latch onto then it will help pull him to work on those plans.
I guess some of this is manipulative but it isn't just about him so he needs to understand he is being treated like anyone else would be. Maybe make the "fairness" to your parents a discussion point after all the years they looked after him.