Skip to main content
Close Button
Donate
  • Replies 4 replies
  • Subscribers 82 subscribers
  • Views 198 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Divorce

NAS94297
8 days ago

Hi, 34 Yr old here with ADHD and mom to 2 AuDHD beautiful children - 4&6 yrs.

Currently married but basically I've been a single parent the entire time. I'm wanting to divorce my husband because he's made it clear that the children and I will never live up to his expectations of what he wants his life to look like so that's my final straw.

I don't want my decision to separate from their father and move into a new home to have a negative impact on them as we currently live with dad and paternal grandparents. They're used to having other family members around all the time and I hate the thought of being isolated.

Can anyone give me any advice on how to go about talking to them about what is going to happen and creating new boundaries with their Dad that won't upset them. They've only ever known us to be affectionate and tactile which is obviously going to drastically change.

Many thanks,

Mom on a self fulfilling journey x

  • 7 days ago

    Go to couples counselling even if you go on your own it will still help you to seperate  and a therapist can support you through this process.

    You dont' say anything about your husbands parents and grandparents think or feel about you seperating, do they know and what do they think of his behaviour and feelings about you and his children? They may be far less judgemental than you think.

    Obviously the children will miss their dad and may act out, however I dont' think that growing up in a toxic environment will help them at all, if their dad feels that they and you will only be a disapointment they will pick up on it, even if it's never openly said. Nobodies dropping off the planet unless they choose too, make sure that all the grandparents know that you want them in your childrens lives. If the grandparents share a similar outlook to your husband then you'll all be better off seeing less of them, you never know, your children might like the freedom, living without family members in the same house doesn't mean isolation, it means things will be different, and life can be filled with new people, friends etc.

    Has your husband said what he wants to do or did he just dump all this on you and expect you to deal with it?

    I'd also get some legal advise too and find out exactly what your position is and then you can start planing a new life for yourself and your children.

  • 7 days ago in reply to Peter

    Bluntly if your husband wants joint custody and there is no question of his fitness to be a farther there is a good chance he will get it even if he has to go to the court for it. In this senario there is no way bouncing between 2 homes won't be disruptive to your kids. But it might be less disruptive than having familly figures more or less disapear from their lives over night.

    Also if you wanted to move far away from him he might be able to argue (to the court) that it would be less disruptive to the kids to stay with him where they continue in the same school, with the same friends, and have contact with extended family.

    Of course if he doesn't want to be involved in the kids lives then really instead of thinking about 'setting boundries' you need to think about how you can get him to be more involved for their sake. You may have to bully him to 'take them' for a weekend or co opt their grandfarther to get them into his house from time to time.

  • 7 days ago
    NAS94297 said:
    I don't want my decision to separate from their father and move into a new home to have a negative impact on them as we currently live with dad and paternal grandparents.

    I don't think this is posable. I've friends who suffered child abuse at the hands of their farthers who still regret growing up without a farther in their life. That absence will be missed and the only way to ameliorate that will be for them to have lots of contact with him which either means he will be in your home often or they will be out of your home often.

    So you have 3 negative impacts to balence.

    • The negative impact of growing up with very limited contact with their farther
    • The negative impact of bouncing between 2 homes.
    • The negative impact of a home where the 2 parents are always fighting.

    I think there is a growing consensus in sociaty that the first is the worst outcome for kids, although that's not uncontroversial.

  • 7 days ago

    Hi , I am sorry you're going through such a challenging time. You might find it useful to have a look at our guide on dealing with change:

    https://autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/dealing-with-change/all-audiences

    I hope this helps!

    Best wishes,

    Anna Mod