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Divorce

NAS94297
3 months ago

Hi, 34 Yr old here with ADHD and mom to 2 AuDHD beautiful children - 4&6 yrs.

Currently married but basically I've been a single parent the entire time. I'm wanting to divorce my husband because he's made it clear that the children and I will never live up to his expectations of what he wants his life to look like so that's my final straw.

I don't want my decision to separate from their father and move into a new home to have a negative impact on them as we currently live with dad and paternal grandparents. They're used to having other family members around all the time and I hate the thought of being isolated.

Can anyone give me any advice on how to go about talking to them about what is going to happen and creating new boundaries with their Dad that won't upset them. They've only ever known us to be affectionate and tactile which is obviously going to drastically change.

Many thanks,

Mom on a self fulfilling journey x

Parents
  • 3 months ago
    NAS94297 said:
    I don't want my decision to separate from their father and move into a new home to have a negative impact on them as we currently live with dad and paternal grandparents.

    I don't think this is posable. I've friends who suffered child abuse at the hands of their farthers who still regret growing up without a farther in their life. That absence will be missed and the only way to ameliorate that will be for them to have lots of contact with him which either means he will be in your home often or they will be out of your home often.

    So you have 3 negative impacts to balence.

    • The negative impact of growing up with very limited contact with their farther
    • The negative impact of bouncing between 2 homes.
    • The negative impact of a home where the 2 parents are always fighting.

    I think there is a growing consensus in sociaty that the first is the worst outcome for kids, although that's not uncontroversial.

  • 3 months ago in reply to Peter

    Bluntly if your husband wants joint custody and there is no question of his fitness to be a farther there is a good chance he will get it even if he has to go to the court for it. In this senario there is no way bouncing between 2 homes won't be disruptive to your kids. But it might be less disruptive than having familly figures more or less disapear from their lives over night.

    Also if you wanted to move far away from him he might be able to argue (to the court) that it would be less disruptive to the kids to stay with him where they continue in the same school, with the same friends, and have contact with extended family.

    Of course if he doesn't want to be involved in the kids lives then really instead of thinking about 'setting boundries' you need to think about how you can get him to be more involved for their sake. You may have to bully him to 'take them' for a weekend or co opt their grandfarther to get them into his house from time to time.

Reply
  • 3 months ago in reply to Peter

    Bluntly if your husband wants joint custody and there is no question of his fitness to be a farther there is a good chance he will get it even if he has to go to the court for it. In this senario there is no way bouncing between 2 homes won't be disruptive to your kids. But it might be less disruptive than having familly figures more or less disapear from their lives over night.

    Also if you wanted to move far away from him he might be able to argue (to the court) that it would be less disruptive to the kids to stay with him where they continue in the same school, with the same friends, and have contact with extended family.

    Of course if he doesn't want to be involved in the kids lives then really instead of thinking about 'setting boundries' you need to think about how you can get him to be more involved for their sake. You may have to bully him to 'take them' for a weekend or co opt their grandfarther to get them into his house from time to time.

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