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Anger in 11yo boy

NAS94117
4 months ago

I'm a parent of an autistic 11 year old boy. Mostly things run pretty smoothly. Occasional problems at school, regular bickering with his younger sister, but our lives are mostly happy and under control. Our son generally does fairly well because we are able to stick to a routine and we allow him to mostly do his own thing. We don't put many demands on him, and he is generally pretty content. We try to help him manage his anxiety when things do not go according to plan, and we are trying to work with him on getting out of his comfort zone, trying new things, etc. 

Our son doesn't like school, but he generally does well. We've even seem some improvement this year in his grades. 

Over the past 18 months or so, however, we've noticed a troubling new behaviour. On certain occasions, our son will become angry and defiant and will use very distressing language. This morning, his muscles were sore from gym class and he didn't want to go to school. We said he had to go. He was frustrated. As he was getting his shoes on he started bickering with his sister. Then he got mad at his mother and said he wanted to "kill her." Once we got into the car he started saying "I'm a piece of s---" about himself. When he is in these head spaces he is almost unreachable. He seems to delight or take comfort in starting blankly at us whether we try to reassure or admonish him. 

He went to school. I expect he'll come home and act as if nothing happened this morning, which is normally how this goes. He'll experience a crazy spike of anger and distressing talk, and then will "snap out of it," but the consequences of his words linger. 

Any advice on how to bring him out of these "spells," or how to talk to him about unacceptable speech when he's in these head spaces? We're worried that he's going to tell a teacher or fellow student that he's going to "kill them" some day and that will result in serious problems. 

  • 3 months ago

    I experience overwhelm in a similar way, and often lash out with words. Thinking back, can you identify a pattern of ‘triggers’ that contributes to his overwhelm- eg the wrong pair of socks, the neighbour mowing the lawn, anything that might make him more overwhelmed? The stress of going to school likely results in exacerbation of this state. I’d suggest you view these outbursts as him hurting, and attempting to get the people around him to understand that. There are two ‘approaches’ that, in tandem, might help.

    1. Reducing the overwhelm: deep pressure, removal of stressors that often occur (if you can see any triggers), following a schedule in the mornings (a strip of Velcro somewhere with cards depicting the order of ‘things to do’ is a useful one)- it doesn’t necessarily have to be timed, but reducing the amount his brain has to cope with means there’s ’more space’ if there’s an additional trigger (like muscle soreness)
    2. Finding safer ways to express the overwhelm: if he’s expecting you to get upset, asking “why did you say XYZ?” or “it wasn’t nice what you said this morning” can feel quite overwhelming/pressuring- chances are, he knows it wasn’t nice and doesn”t quite understand why he said it. Approaching it with an “I noticed you were frustrated, would you like a signal you can give me that lets me know you’re feeling like that so I can do [insert helpful thing here]” - this could be anything from running around for a minute, sitting in a sensory swing, or using a fidget, to just playing specific song(s) on the drive or having a ‘quiet drive’. Often just being able to express you’re overwhelmed without any stigma or judgement makes a huge difference in itself.
  • 4 months ago

    I doubt that he is either delighting or taking comfort in staring at you blankly - he's probably experiencing an autistic shutdown. This happens when we become too overloaded - it literally shuts us down, so we cannot respond. If his muscles were sore, that's an extra sensory input he's having to deal with on top of the usual inputs he has to deal with while getting ready to go to a place he doesn't even like (school) which was obviously too much for him.

    Meltdowns and shutdowns will happen, so you and the school will need to be prepared for them. Inform the school staff of his behaviour at home - They should have been trained in how to deal with autistic students, so should know what to do if it happens at school. They should be able to understand that if he behaved that way, it's not just "naughtiness".

    While he is having a meltdown/ shutdown is not the time to talk to him about unacceptable speech. The only thing you can do when they happen is to give him space and quiet, with as little sensory input as possible, to allow him to calm down. 

    Have a look at the information for parents on this website, and there is also information for teenagers that you can direct him to when he gets a bit older.