Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm a parent of an autistic 11 year old boy. Mostly things run pretty smoothly. Occasional problems at school, regular bickering with his younger sister, but our lives are mostly happy and under control. Our son generally does fairly well because we are able to stick to a routine and we allow him to mostly do his own thing. We don't put many demands on him, and he is generally pretty content. We try to help him manage his anxiety when things do not go according to plan, and we are trying to work with him on getting out of his comfort zone, trying new things, etc.
Our son doesn't like school, but he generally does well. We've even seem some improvement this year in his grades.
Over the past 18 months or so, however, we've noticed a troubling new behaviour. On certain occasions, our son will become angry and defiant and will use very distressing language. This morning, his muscles were sore from gym class and he didn't want to go to school. We said he had to go. He was frustrated. As he was getting his shoes on he started bickering with his sister. Then he got mad at his mother and said he wanted to "kill her." Once we got into the car he started saying "I'm a piece of s---" about himself. When he is in these head spaces he is almost unreachable. He seems to delight or take comfort in starting blankly at us whether we try to reassure or admonish him.
He went to school. I expect he'll come home and act as if nothing happened this morning, which is normally how this goes. He'll experience a crazy spike of anger and distressing talk, and then will "snap out of it," but the consequences of his words linger.
Any advice on how to bring him out of these "spells," or how to talk to him about unacceptable speech when he's in these head spaces? We're worried that he's going to tell a teacher or fellow student that he's going to "kill them" some day and that will result in serious problems.
I doubt that he is either delighting or taking comfort in staring at you blankly - he's probably experiencing an autistic shutdown. This happens when we become too overloaded - it literally shuts us down, so we cannot respond. If his muscles were sore, that's an extra sensory input he's having to deal with on top of the usual inputs he has to deal with while getting ready to go to a place he doesn't even like (school) which was obviously too much for him.
Meltdowns and shutdowns will happen, so you and the school will need to be prepared for them. Inform the school staff of his behaviour at home - They should have been trained in how to deal with autistic students, so should know what to do if it happens at school. They should be able to understand that if he behaved that way, it's not just "naughtiness".
While he is having a meltdown/ shutdown is not the time to talk to him about unacceptable speech. The only thing you can do when they happen is to give him space and quiet, with as little sensory input as possible, to allow him to calm down.
Have a look at the information for parents on this website, and there is also information for teenagers that you can direct him to when he gets a bit older.