Published on 12, July, 2020
My Child who is 6, started removing his all of his bottom half of clothing in protest last year to prevent me taking him to school.
Recently he’s flashed his bottom and front parts a few times and I addressed it and it seemed to stop.
Over the course of the weekend he has continuously pulled his pants down. He gets very annoyed at me when I say “Stop I don’t like that” or “Not a good choice” his response is to scream and tell me to “no” or “get out”
I have asked things like do you want to change your pants, need a nappy, toilet or shower. To which he says no.
My son would much rather be naked all the time but over the past year I’ve tried to make sure he keeps pants and a vest on as he’s not a small toddler anymore and I don’t want him running about our garden with no clothes on and his sibling feels very uncomfortable when he’s naked.
I’m not sure if this is naughty behaviour or it’s sensory. He does have lots of sensory issues with clothing.
I've found that with kids, if you can, provide things they want to engage with.
For instance, it's hard to know if this is a sensory issue or if he's experiencing a sense of disconnect, which is part and parcel of the language barrier of Autism.
If you give him 100% marino and/or cotton jersey, even 100% silk pj pants and he doesn't want to take them off, that's a win. Our biology is such that natural fibres aid the body's ability to internally regulate temperature. Plastic fibres - polys and nylons do the opposite, and even in small amounts blended into natural fibres, they can be irritating.
Kids cannot communicate very well as is. They don't have the education to identify the physics of acoustics as to why a sound may be harmful to the ear canal or the psychology behind human social behaviour and the struggle to find grounding through a sense of purpose and belonging. Always assume these needs and meet them before the child asks, that's our job as parents.
The world is confusing for small children at best. Autistic children aren't socialised into social collectives the same, and are missing what motivates everyone to: sever themselves from family far too early, subject themselves to being educated while also experiencing a loss in translation, moving in doors instead of climbing trees and connecting to the earth. These synthetic ways of being human are not instinctively intuited.
Perhaps allow this nakedness at home. We accept the David in a gallery. It could be he's misunderstanding your intense response to it. But also, children don't know what they want. Provide acceptable choices, so they feel respected and everyone wins. Such as telling them we all attempt to use the loo before leaving the house. I know you don't have to, but give it a quick try just because.
Kids are not capable of making healthy life-affirming reasoned and seasoned choices. 20 year olds are not capable most of the time either. Somewhere between 30-40 perhaps we can expect to have been better exposed to ALL the choices available, understand how to problem solve and think about action and consequence. Kids won't understand this. :)
On this: you could try just taking him to the shower every time he takes them off, don't ask. If this happens too many times and it's not what he's trying to communicate, he might keep them on. But I'd first ensure it's not the fabrics in that part of his body, or there's no rash from detergent.
If he prefers no clothes, these 2 things could be good to change first.
Children are often just learning to use Motor Skills. Something most of us have difficulty with. I use a little extra intent and will power to be precise with everything I do now and while I had a great many lessons when young which helped with Movement and Blance, I still find myself accidentally knocking things or pressing buttons I didn't mean to press.
When any human is emotional, we can become dangerous to our selves and others, which is why it is always a Rule to never drive with heightened emotions. Little children have yet to master their emotions, and have little ability to properly articulate what they need.
Food is a different matter and due to most of us having digestive issues with something, It's better to never force a child to eat. They'll eat when they're hungry. I am discovering that this modern obsession with feeding children Brassicas like broccoli, might be doing a great deal of damage as there's too much sulphur in these which their body doesn't need. The oilseed rape is a Brassica, which is in everything. This might even be causing auto-immune disorders sending the secondary immune system in motion before the body is ready for it. But that's for another thread...
When it comes to food, I always seek to air on the side of caution.
I know children have little real power, thats one of the reasons why they do things like refuse to wear clothes or throw food on the floor and refuse to eat, little things that they feel they can influence.
This isn't exercising 'power' over or against another, this is part of our internal need and navigation for Safety. Just like we might find the boundary of land or the limit to understanding. For children, if there is nothing holding on to them which they can fall back on, it's traumatising.
JuniperFromGallifrey said:To be fair, I wouldn't use the word "power" with children. They are essentially powerless - where it matters.
Children will always push the boundaries with parents to see what they can "get away with" - it part of their programmed growth response where they can develop and become more independent step by step.
Some will do it constantly and some will be more timid, but once they get away with it once they will probably repeat the attempt again and again knowing that it worked before.
It is quite a natural response but needs consistency to hold it in check.
There’s definitely no rash, I can’t use any perfume laundry detergent or softeners. I’ve used the same laundry detergent for years now.
To be fair, I wouldn't use the word "power" with children. They are essentially powerless - where it matters. They are indirectly and directly prohibited from asserting Real Impactful Agency in our modern culture. In a different time in history, they may have quickly learned how to fend for themselves, but they're still incredibly vulnerable humans and as parents, our one job is being charged with their nurturing and care and growth - and yes, that can be taken away if we are reckless with them.
A good psychologist will be concerned first with how Safe you felt in childhood and work from there. So, safety first! Children need to feel as though they are protected, not worry about safety, a parent is not an equal or a friend or a competitor. In fact a good rule is to ask if I feel offended by my child and fix this immediately - it's a great way to calculate my effectiveness as a parent :)
We are born naked. Then we disintegrate back into earth this way. It's perfectly natural, but the only animal without a skin to protect us from our elements. I would suggest that once we begin realise the social judgement around our nakedness, that's a 'milestone' for maturity in a small way. It's far more rare that nakedness is sexualised as something to dominate with. This is part of NT Neurosis, the Freudian Perverse - or warped - way of knowing all the social codes and using them to objectify others. It's a similar tactic to Sociopathic or Sadistic behaviour. So incredibly far out of reach from childhood. x
I wonder if its a power thing? Lot's of children use nudity as a form of power, they know adults want them dressed and getting undressed is one of the few forms of power they have. From his responses to you I think it might be about power, he may think that his feelings about his clothes are about your needs rather than his. I don't know what the answer is, could you try some sort of boxers rather than pants? Maybe the leg elastic is annoying him?