Advice if I approaching this correctly

Children are often just learning to use Motor Skills. Something most of us have difficulty with. I use a little extra intent and will power to be precise with everything I do now and while I had a great many lessons when young which helped with Movement and Blance, I still find myself accidentally knocking things or pressing buttons I didn't mean to press.

When any human is emotional, we can become dangerous to our selves and others, which is why it is always a Rule to never drive with heightened emotions. Little children have yet to master their emotions, and have little ability to properly articulate what they need.

Food is a different matter and due to most of us having digestive issues with something, It's better to never force a child to eat. They'll eat when they're hungry. I am discovering that this modern obsession with feeding children Brassicas like broccoli, might be doing a great deal of damage as there's too much sulphur in these which their body doesn't need. The oilseed rape is a Brassica, which is in everything. This might even be causing auto-immune disorders sending the secondary immune system in motion before the body is ready for it. But that's for another thread... 

When it comes to food, I always seek to air on the side of caution. 

I know children have little real power, thats one of the reasons why they do things like refuse to wear clothes or throw food on the floor and refuse to eat, little things that they feel they can influence.

This isn't exercising 'power' over or against another, this is part of our internal need and navigation for Safety. Just like we might find the boundary of land or the limit to understanding. For children, if there is nothing holding on to them which they can fall back on, it's traumatising. 

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

To be fair, I wouldn't use the word "power" with children. They are essentially powerless - where it matters.

Children will always push the boundaries with parents to see what they can "get away with" - it part of their programmed growth response where they can develop and become more independent step by step.

Some will do it constantly and some will be more timid, but once they get away with it once they will probably repeat the attempt again and again knowing that it worked before.

It is quite a natural response but needs consistency to hold it in check.

BTW- It does seem like you're mastering Polarising Parenting skills!

ADHD'rs don't need detail or direct communication, prefer quick transitions, can make impulsive decisions, while Autistics use language and social linguistics different, need slow transitions, can't make decisions until we know every possibility and pre-visualise in order to commit. Where they're very similar is found in the theory of https://monotropism.org/.

This instagram couple are a good follow for ADHD: www.instagram.com/.../

"we live in a neurodivergent house, everybody thinks that somebody is mad at them at all times"

And this woman is great at explaining Autistic differences https://www.instagram.com/thearticulateautistic/

Ok, this is really interesting. 

I'm the eldest of quite a few kids. I'm going to make some guesses based on a few details... 

ADHD'rs need to grow into a little patience for their Autistic kin and Autistic ones need to learn to not be overwhelmed and stressed by their ADHD kin. But until we have some kind of understanding about the inner-working differences in the other, we might have difficulty appreciating them. So you must be exhausted from playing referee!

If the ADHD kid is older, perhaps it's also time to become a little responsible for what I don't like and is not mine to control. This is a really important lesson in life.

Learning to develop a tolerance for someone else's quirks, which don't cause harm, and bring a bit of joy - is a terribly important skill. I've lived above neighbours who cook with spices I don't like. I've had friends who have awkward quirks, but have to make the conscious effort to affirm their worth regardless. Life is too short and relationships matter. If a sibling is bothersome, use a bit of agency and remove yourself - siblings are good practice for being an adult. I'm assuming you've delegated spaces for each of them where the other is not allowed into.

I might even ask the ADHD'r to help devise an "escape plan" for when his brother isn't put together as he'd desire. You may have to remind him daily of it. I should say there is a difference between a Trigger and an Irritation. If these things reminded him of a bad memory, they might be a trigger. If a scent was made of harmful chemicals or something sent him into Survival Mode, it would be a tigger, but as an older child, it seems like he needs to learn how to share or how to excuse himself from a situation where he is subject to lesser aesthetics.

Being able to do as I wish at the expense of another is popular in politics these days, it's popular in consumerism. However suffering with others, or learning to be gracious and affording room for another who is messier or less intelligent is supposed to be difficult and a thing we consciously mature into. It's not supposed to be easy or these wouldn't be Virtues. :)

If the younger one is sensing continual contempt for his very being in a space he should feel at ease in, this will be one stressful 'distraction' he might desire to resolve but his little mind won't have the eloquence and skills and psychology required. 

The second stressor sounds to me like he can't not pay attention to his biology sense-perceiving petroleum-based fibres or constrictive clothing which might even make him feel like he can't breathe. It's a strange response, but psychologically we seek congruity with our environment. If something is tight on the body, we might feel like we should tense up along with it. Two companies I quite like are Cambridge Baby and Mama Owl. I wear 100% marino year round. The summer is nice for tercel, a tree fabric, as they cool down the body if you can find ones not blended with polys/nylon.

As for the last (and probably most important): 

Lau said:

When you say disconnect, do you mean a disconnect from me?

Essentially, yes. And it's not bad, and it's not you. You sound like a caring parent. Sensitive kids can be extra-sensitive to connexion - emotionally, psychologically. And being more intensely impacted by sensory perceptions - internal and external, the gut response will be far more intense - bigger emotions. Compound this with 1. having a difficulty accessing vocabulary and that 2. All Children Misperceive their parents, which Freud talked about extensively. 

The moment you're thinking of something else, like making tea, there IS a disconnect, in a metaphysical sense. You don't love him any less, but we can't send our children all our thoughts at all times. 

However, he may need extra approval (I'm so happy you're here, my life is so much better because of you) and quality time with you. I'd assume there is RSD, but just on the basic understanding that parents have a powerful impact on their children - we can believe our kids in becoming what they're capable of. The sheer amount of adults who end up in a therapists office because of parent-trauma should tell us about the impact we can have - and to tread with caution. I still randomly tell my adult son if he needs therapy because of me, I'll pay for it! This makes him laugh and hopefully need therapy less!

1. Always assume the best. It seems to me like he doesn't have a cruel bone in his body, he's just trying to survive best he can. If anything, you may want to reinforce his ability to assert agency and negotiate for his needs. But always help provide him with choices - Autistics have severe difficulty with decision making - I have to envision everything ahead of time. (meanwhile ADHD'rs make snap decisions).

2. Practice giving him blocks of time where he's the sole focus, even if it's 10 minutes - and be direct about your intention and follow through. In fact, protecting your time with him from distractions will help him understand he's important to you.

3. Maybe try talking him through your actions before he asks - just include him if he's there. It's always helpful to walk kids through transitions. Autistics need much slower transitions than most, and being hyper-sensitive means that everything feels novel, new. We crave reliability and familiarity. If just as we're feeling comfortable around someone, and they have a sudden change in atmosphere or mood, it's yet one more unpredictable surprise in a world which is already far too surprising. There is a threshold to what human beings can handle, this is a polarity between Autism and ADHD, one does not need any more unfamiliarity, the other just living for quick transitions and constant surprises.

And last, I've always tried to invest more approval than disappointment. Earning our children's trust is the most important - aim for this daily and everything else will fall into place.

There’s definitely no rash, I can’t use any perfume laundry detergent or softeners. I’ve used the same laundry detergent for years now. 

Last year when he returned to school, he was unable to wear his uniform it became a real stressor for him, his full wardrobe of clothing & shoes that I had for him became unsuitable. He could only wear long johns and thermal T-shirts and could no longer wear the boxers with the elasticated waist.l. I trialled boxers with cotton waistband and they seemed to be okay. Only recently have I been able to introduce a new brand of loose fitting leggings and Tops, he’s managed really well with them to the point he’s not questioned them at all when i first tried them on him. They are 100% cotton organic.

I just checked the pants/boxers that i currently have and they are 95% cotton & 5% elastane so I will need to purchase some new ones that are 100% cotton incase the 5% elastane is bothering him. 

When you say disconnect, do you mean a disconnect from me? Or his environment? He is very sensitive to people and will ask at times if I’m angry. I try to be mindful of my body language but sometimes if I frown or rush around or stand up quickly he will assume something is wrong and other times he apologises when he has done nothing wrong another example is, if i have my arms folded he will say I’m angry when im not. I did speak with a lady who’s mindfulness class i attend and she said this sounds like rejection sensitivity dysphoria. 

I would allow the nakedness as home if it was just him & I but my other child who is PDA/adhd is very triggered by this and he makes his feelings very clear to my younger son in a not so kind way and Im often a referee between both as things can escalate pretty quickly. He finds a lot of his brothers needs triggering such as wearing a nappy, dummy etc. 

I just don’t want him to feel like he’s doing something wrong if it is a sensory need and in a way the things I’m saying are guilt tripping him when he doesn’t have the language skills to actually tell me. 

To be fair, I wouldn't use the word "power" with children. They are essentially powerless - where it matters. They are indirectly and directly prohibited from asserting Real Impactful Agency in our modern culture. In a different time in history, they may have quickly learned how to fend for themselves, but they're still incredibly vulnerable humans and as parents, our one job is being charged with their nurturing and care and growth - and yes, that can be taken away if we are reckless with them.

A good psychologist will be concerned first with how Safe you felt in childhood and work from there. So, safety first! Children need to feel as though they are protected, not worry about safety, a parent is not an equal or a friend or a competitor. In fact a good rule is to ask if I feel offended by my child and fix this immediately - it's a great way to calculate my effectiveness as a parent :) 

We are born naked. Then we disintegrate back into earth this way. It's perfectly natural, but the only animal without a skin to protect us from our elements. I would suggest that once we begin realise the social judgement around our nakedness, that's a 'milestone' for maturity in a small way. It's far more rare that nakedness is sexualised as something to dominate with. This is part of NT Neurosis, the Freudian Perverse - or warped - way of knowing all the social codes and using them to objectify others. It's a similar tactic to Sociopathic or Sadistic behaviour. So incredibly far out of reach from childhood.  x

I wonder if its a power thing? Lot's of children use nudity as a form of power, they know adults want them dressed and getting undressed is one of the few forms of power they have. From his responses to you I think it might be about power, he may think that his feelings about his clothes are about your needs rather than his. I don't know what the answer is, could you try some sort of boxers rather than pants? Maybe the leg elastic is annoying him?

On this: you could try just taking him to the shower every time he takes them off, don't ask. If this happens too many times and it's not what he's trying to communicate, he might keep them on. But I'd first ensure it's not the fabrics in that part of his body, or there's no rash from detergent.

If he prefers no clothes, these 2 things could be good to change first.

I've found that with kids, if you can, provide things they want to engage with.

For instance, it's hard to know if this is a sensory issue or if he's experiencing a sense of disconnect, which is part and parcel of the language barrier of Autism. 

If you give him 100% marino and/or cotton jersey, even 100% silk pj pants and he doesn't want to take them off, that's a win. Our biology is such that natural fibres aid the body's ability to internally regulate temperature. Plastic fibres - polys and nylons do the opposite, and even in small amounts blended into natural fibres, they can be irritating. 

Kids cannot communicate very well as is. They don't have the education to identify the physics of acoustics as to why a sound may be harmful to the ear canal or the psychology behind human social behaviour and the struggle to find grounding through a sense of purpose and belonging. Always assume these needs and meet them before the child asks, that's our job as parents.

The world is confusing for small children at best. Autistic children aren't socialised into social collectives the same, and are missing what motivates everyone to: sever themselves from family far too early, subject themselves to being educated while also experiencing a loss in translation, moving in doors instead of climbing trees and connecting to the earth. These synthetic ways of being human are not instinctively intuited.  

Perhaps allow this nakedness at home. We accept the David in a gallery. It could be he's misunderstanding your intense response to it. But also, children don't know what they want. Provide acceptable choices, so they feel respected and everyone wins. Such as telling them we all attempt to use the loo before leaving the house. I know you don't have to, but give it a quick try just because.  

Kids are not capable of making healthy life-affirming reasoned and seasoned choices. 20 year olds are not capable most of the time either. Somewhere between 30-40 perhaps we can expect to have been better exposed to ALL the choices available, understand how to problem solve and think about action and consequence. Kids won't understand this. :)