Published on 12, July, 2020
How do I help my newly diagnosed husband who is 51 and is struggling. He is spiralling out of control and I don’t know how to help him. He has started seeing a counsellor who is also autistic but he’s only had 2 sessions and so far it’s not really helping.
I went through that. It's a big shock to the system.
If you want to help him, remind him that he's still the bloke you fell in love with, and point out his good bits.
It's very easy to focus on the "oh ***, I'll probably NEVER be the person I thought I could be" part...
It'll most likely end up better than it was for you both, but it took me THREE years to get over the diagnosis, and I'm still not quite sure I am there.
I Sperg said:It's very easy to focus on the "oh ***, I'll probably NEVER be the person I thought I could be" part...
Yes, I'm still dug in to that at the moment. It's helpful to hear I'm not alone with that situation I was diagnosed in November 2021 aged 48 and so am now 50 too (not 52)
I have a friend who is an actor, he is in Shakespeare play at the moment and will be doing matinee and evening performances until Saturday, he will be knackered at the end of the week. However, we do the equivalent of acting in a play any and all times that we are in social situations. No wonder exhaustion and anxiety are so common in autistic people.
The main difference twixt us and the neurotypicals is that those who can, only need to "mask" for brief periods in order to gain an advantage but with us we need to in order to survive..
This does raise some uncomfortable questions in my mind about the basic nature of Autistic People, and me in particular.
A middle ground of masking and not masking sounds healthy and sensible if possible, to me
Yes, awareness is much more preferable to unawareness that's for sure
That’s really useful to know, I think my husband’s very focused on not masking now he’s diagnosed and I think that’s a big part of the upheaval he’s feeling. I will pass on all your comments to him.
Not all masking is detrimental. I pass as neurotypical to everyone other than my immediate family. I have come to the conclusion that my masking is as much part of me as my autism is. My masking causes me no real problems, other than I can get exhausted if I socialise for too long without periods on my own to recover.
Knowing how to spot the signs and then act is the key I suppose. Hope you're back working soon Allyboo.
I don't know, I'm long term unemployed these days. I used to continue going to work (and the rest) whilst going through burnout and I got more burned out. Hopefully if/when I work again I will be able to spot and act on it better than I did in my past.
Thanks Allyboo, that's so reassuring to know. Can I ask, do you continue to go to work if going through burnout? My husband is determined to and I can't help but feel he needs total rest.
NAS91645 said: is encourage him to rest and put life on hold for a bit while he recovers
Yes, that's where I'm at too. Feel free to communicate with me about it all if you both want to We are not alone (after all)
That’s such an interesting perspective on masking, that it can potentially be a part of his personality rather than something that now he’s diagnosed, he must immediately discard. thank you so much for your really useful and kind comments.
I always felt a deep disquiet about "masking", not even admitting to myself that was what I was doing.
Now I see it it as a useful tool, that has served me well, and is a defacto part of my personality.
Once he realises that anything he does wrong can be blamed on his Autism, and anything he does right is extra heroic because he did it in spite of his Autism, he'll feel a lot more accomplished and confdent...
I did!
Okay, that's a bit tongue in cheek, but seriously, remind him that he is still exctly teh same guy, he just knows some stuff now that he did not.
Some of it will help him over the next few years understand some of the great mysteries of his life.
Some of it, I'll not gloss over the unpleasantness will make him realise that some things will NEVER get ANY BETTER!! Acceptance of this part of reality upset me greatly until I remembered that, for some other things I have a "get out of jail free" card (metaphorically speaking) that can be played at least once very successfully. There are also specific niche talents and skills associated with Autism, those are all good!
Tell him from me, to GIVE HIMSELF A BREAK. (THEn see if he can giev you a break of soem sort)
He's obviously done very well in life already to have a lovely wife who is willing to help and come here to solicit advice, so after he has absorbed the shock he can get back to his life, and maybe even play the game a little better.
I'm AUHD, but now my limitations are better known, we do have less marital strife than we did. I offered my O/H a sharp exit after my diagnosis as we had not been getting along that well, and TBH, I realised that she had just cause for a lot of her little frustrations, and a lot of 'em we are stuck with.
I felt she hadn't signed on for that, (and she hadn't, common law applies to us I believe) but she chose to stay in the burning sewerage farm of our relationship.
And actually things have got a little better...
Thank you so much for all your kind replies. After reading these posts I think this community is going to be life line.
I think he’s actually going through burn out as it’s been so hard for him to come to terms with it. I have tried to assure him that the diagnosis is a good thing for us particularly for me to understand who is really is, but he says he regrets ever going down this road and it was easier for everyone (though not him obviously!) if he carried on masking. What’s also made this especially difficult is that he’s not speaking to his sister because of an incident some months back where he was very stressed and angry with her which we now attribute to his autism. She however doesn’t want to engage with him on his diagnosis or even try to understand it which has really contributed to where he is now. He’s been very agitated and upset and all all I can do (again learnt from reading posts on here today) is encourage him to rest and put life on hold for a bit while he recovers.
It really helps to know that you are all out there.