Newly diagnosed husband aged 51

I went through that. It's a big shock to the system.

If you want to help him, remind him that he's still the bloke you fell in love with, and point out his good bits. 

It's very easy to focus on the "oh ***, I'll probably NEVER be the person I thought I could be" part... 

It'll most likely end up better than it was for you both, but it took me THREE years to get over the diagnosis, and I'm still not quite sure I am there.

I Sperg said:

It's very easy to focus on the "oh ***, I'll probably NEVER be the person I thought I could be" part... 

Yes, I'm still dug in to that at the moment. It's helpful to hear I'm not alone with that situation  I was diagnosed in November 2021 aged 48 and so am now 50 too (not 52) 

Thank you so much for all your kind replies. After reading these posts I think this community is going to be life line. 

I think he’s actually going through burn out as it’s been so hard for him to come to terms with it. I have tried to assure him that the diagnosis is a good thing for us particularly for me to understand who is really is, but he says he regrets ever going down this road and it was easier for everyone (though not him obviously!) if he carried on masking. What’s also made this especially difficult is that he’s not speaking to his sister because of an incident  some months back where he was very stressed and angry with her which we now attribute to his autism. She however doesn’t want to engage with him on his diagnosis or even try to understand it which has really contributed to where he is now. He’s been very agitated and upset and all all I can do (again learnt from reading posts on here today) is encourage him to rest and put life on hold for a bit while he recovers. 

It really helps to know that you are all out there. 

I have a friend who is an actor, he is in  Shakespeare play at the moment and will be doing matinee and evening performances until Saturday, he will be knackered at the end of the week. However, we do the equivalent of acting in a play any and all times that we are in social situations. No wonder exhaustion and anxiety are so common in autistic people.

The main difference twixt us and the neurotypicals is that those who can, only need to "mask" for brief periods in order to gain an advantage but with us we need to in order to survive..

This does raise some uncomfortable questions in my mind about the basic nature of Autistic People, and me in particular. 

A middle ground of masking and not masking sounds healthy and sensible if possible, to me 

Yes, awareness is much more preferable to unawareness that's for sure

That’s really useful to know, I think my husband’s very focused on not masking now he’s diagnosed and I think that’s a big part of the upheaval he’s feeling. I will pass on all your comments to him. 

Not all masking is detrimental. I pass as neurotypical to everyone other than my immediate family. I have come to the conclusion that my masking is as much part of me as my autism is. My masking causes me no real problems, other than I can get exhausted if I socialise for too long without periods on my own to recover.

Knowing how to spot the signs and then act is the key I suppose. Hope you're back working soon Allyboo. 

I don't know, I'm long term unemployed these days. I used to continue going to work (and the rest) whilst going through burnout and I got more burned out. Hopefully if/when I work again I will be able to spot and act on it better than I did in my past.

Thanks Allyboo, that's so reassuring to know. Can I ask, do you continue to go to work if going through burnout? My husband is determined to and I can't help but feel he needs total rest.  

NAS91645 said:

is encourage him to rest and put life on hold for a bit while he recovers

Yes, that's where I'm at too. Feel free to communicate with me about it all if you both want to  We are not alone (after all) 

NAS91645 said:

is encourage him to rest and put life on hold for a bit while he recovers

Yes, that's where I'm at too. Feel free to communicate with me about it all if you both want to  We are not alone (after all) 

Yes, awareness is much more preferable to unawareness that's for sure

Knowing how to spot the signs and then act is the key I suppose. Hope you're back working soon Allyboo. 

I don't know, I'm long term unemployed these days. I used to continue going to work (and the rest) whilst going through burnout and I got more burned out. Hopefully if/when I work again I will be able to spot and act on it better than I did in my past.

Thanks Allyboo, that's so reassuring to know. Can I ask, do you continue to go to work if going through burnout? My husband is determined to and I can't help but feel he needs total rest.