Daughter 17, getting a bit desperate.

Hi, A levels at home might be fine. One of our daughters did distance learning courses and she loved the autonomy. The tutors provided as part of the course who mark some essays were really supportive. She got high marks, went to uni and later achieved a Masters. Another daughter did A levels at school and it was a bit of a nightmare. She went to uni but we felt her confidence had been knocked.

Hey, I understand this might seem like another problem, but this sounds like my brother and I as teenagers. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 20, and being medicated for that has reversed my emotional difficulties. He was only diagnosed at 25 after what seemed like 11 years of incapacitating burnout. He'd been an inpatient, unable to work, and on several antidepressants. It might be worth looking into it, and possibly going via Right to Choose if your GP would accommodate it and you believe it could be contributing to things. 

sounds similar to me, i didnt do anything after leaving school at 16, then stayed in my parents not doing anything or going out... around age 24 i took up martial arts which may have been a catalyst for self improvement and certainly more health as i went from like a underweight 7 stone to a more normal 9.5 stone in muscle growth. although it takes time still, i got my life together and normalised in my 30s so even when you get on the path to betterment it will still take another 10 years after you start to try to get better.

My son coming up to 24 and hasn't left house in ten yrs since he went into a depression after being diagnosed at 18 ..he has no friends etc..its real tough I know.

Chams useless been there done that..they just pressured me into putting my kid on meds which I wouldn't do..that's all they had to offer was to put him on drugs and sadly not all drugs work for autism..they may treat by products of it but not the actual autism ovs. Please may I say without you taking this the wrong way BUT your daughters sleep patterns  is her circadian rhythm which in autism can be not correct..I know as my son same he will be awake fr 2 day or 3 day straight and then sleep for three days etc it's mostly all over the place he has some.moments if normality ie a 9 to 5 pattern. Also the sleep thing may be a symptom of another mental health ie bi polar. Please be aware that it's very common for mental health problems to be dual in that there will be two things ie as I said bi polar and autism or ocd and autism etc..not trying to worry you but that you should be aware to see if there is anything else on top of the autism. So she's not being naughty I think she may be sleeping oddly due to the autism or some other thing..also note sometimes  people with autism don't speak because it can be to do with the anxiety where it actually physically effects the physical mechanisms in order to speak.Also note that often people with autism are not able to know or understand there own feelings as readily as nuro typical ie you may have a conversation with her she might not respond as she doesn't know there and then how she feels..plus be aware my son when diagnosed at 18 took 5 yrs before he would even mention the word autism he was in denial and I couldn't even discuss it when he did talk five yrs later he told me it depressed him so much he wanted to top himself... all in all I'm not trying to scare you but just make you aware that your daughter is in there and when at times she seems like she being rude or sullen etc she's not but what she is doing is struggling..all you can do is be patient and you must suck it up when you feel hurt for example if you feel she's been rude to you etc as you can bet she is feeling way worse than you. It's very difficult I know as we are not prepared as parents we are not given an instruction manual on autism and its very complex and we have to educate ourselves all the Time in order to understand  and help them better. One thing I will say is if you cant communicate with her it would be a good idea to get a professional private one not rubbish NHS or chams. Plus did you know statistical fact that girls/weomen have a harder time than men in being autistic and suffer more with depression because of it just be aware of that..sorry I didn't sugar coat it but if I did how would that of helped you.

Hello, my son is 17 (diagnosed a year ago) and sounds very similar. At the moment he’s in year 12 but only just hanging in doing his A levels I wouldn’t be surprised if he drops out. Experiencing severe burnout. I haven’t been able to get him out of the house even for a walk for 2 solid weeks. No friends at all but used to be chatty and popular when he was younger. 
it’s so hard. 
Just wanted to say that you’re not alone. 

Hi, sorry that you are struggling. I’m autistic and I have experienced burnout several times and it can take a long time to even start recovering and you can’t really force this or control the speed, at least not without ultimately heading for burnout again. Change can be very difficult for autistic people and at least for me if I feel pressured to change something (often i can obsess over an issue) it just makes the problem worse- I wouldn’t worry about the sleeping at 3am and waking up at 2pm- this is something that will most likely fix itself as she regain energy and maybe has more things going on in the day. Also why can’t she study A levels from home? That seems like a good option especially since she is keen on going to university! Maybe look into what support there is available for her to successfully do her A levels from home. As her parents the best you can do is probably to be there for her and listen and not put on more pressure. I pushed myself through for years and was forced to resume work or studies while still burnt out (mainly due to financial reasons or wanting to move on etc or not wanting to loose my job or university place) and that is not a good thing to do as I essentially never regained my energy and never worked out good coping strategies so this set off a cycle of pushing through and then burnout which has gone on for years.

I don’t think ‘she has fallen so far’ - she has probably pushed herself too much for years and this is now a good opportunity to recover and figure out how to avoid burnout in the future and the answer to that is probably not to go back to doing things the same way as before. 
I don’t know your daughter and I am no education or medical professional but since she wants to do her A levels from home why not start by supporting her in doing that- it might be the right thing! And if it doesn’t work out, then you can always still consider alternatives. Having a goal is very helpful and she has said she wants to do this and go to university- I think this is very positive and you can help her achieve that.

i think the key to leading a happy life as an autistic person is to accept that it’s ok to do things differently to other people - a major cause of burnout is masking and constantly trying to fit in with societies norms.

I get it. It must feel awful to her. She fails academicly, you blaim the autism (or at least thats how it seems to her) and she looses any sence of controle of her life because of the word autism. And now you want to use that word to send her away. To tell her she can't cope with uni. You won't get any cooperation from her unless you can restore some sence of her having some controle over her own life.

She probably spent 5 months tring to fight through a levels now she has to fight you too. Untill you figure out why yur daughter failed her a levels you can't help her. Just slaping the word 'autism' onto it isn't enough. You need to understand how all the moving parts fit together and worked together to frustrate her attempts to learn. Because she clearly wants to learn. And I don't think passing the problem onto a special school to solve is at all gurenteed to work. And even if it does it may have other detramental effects on her.

Your daughter wants to do a levels, wants university. thats half the battel but you need to find creative ways to suport her reaching for that. You want my advice, stop fighting your daughter start fighting for the adjustments she will need to do her a levels and get through uni. But first you need to figgure out what those adjustments are.

NAS90881 said:

She just wants to stay in her room or hang out with her parents.

Are you her parent?  If not, what is your relationship with her?

Seems she would be too unwell to add that to her unwellness and burnout at the moment. 

NAS90881 said:

Shes becoming more and more withdrawn and bad tempered. Her sleep is rubbish. She sleeps from about 3am until 2pm

ahhh sounds like shes the type that might fit naturally into a 6pm to 2am night shift at any random warehouse.

NAS90881 said:

She’s in burnout.

This is the most important thing currently. Every interaction will be exhausting for her. Every demand will be overload for her. Every attempt to change her routine will be overwhelming for her. 

Recovery from burnout takes time and the pace needs to be driven by the person in burnout, not by those around them. Once the person is ready to start doing things again it has to be in a sustainable way that will not overload them and send them right back into burnout again.

Considering that she is in burnout I think that her wish to do A-Levels at home sounds like a good plan. It will be a good focus for her while she is in recovery. It is good that she aims to go to university as that will be a powerful motivating factor.

These articles contain some tips on recovery from burnout.

https://www.barrierstoeducation.co.uk/burnout

https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/autistic-burnout-recovery

As much as you want to help her I would urge you to allow her the space and time she needs to process her diagnosis and recover from burnout. When a person is recovering from burnout it is so important to keep the pressure off and reduce demands as far as possible.