My son assaulted another child

Last piece of advice: 

I always reminded my son to NOT speak to anyone after issues at school until they called and I was there with him. This way they could not twist what he said into something different from what he meant. 

Remind your son of this often. This applies to teachers, principals, the police, etc.  It will also teach him that HE has rights also.

Take a trusted adult with you if you’d like! This is ALWAYS an option if you don’t feel you can go alone.

Practice what you’ll say and how you’ll stand… 2 times the night before. I always stood when speaking.
 I have found after practicing - that I remembered what needed to be said better this way!  Good luck!!!!! 

Agreed. Walk in with confidence. Wear your best suit… look “all business.”

Don’t be sweet.  Just state your business, — the school’s inability to protect your son…. Etc.

Write your top 3 points down! This way you have notes if you get nervous. 

Do NOT let male principals pacify you - know what you expect from them and TELL them.

Also, the meeting isn’t over until they hear you out. (Yes, I have done this with 5 MEN instructors and principal. They TRY to intimidate mom’s - the old “she’s a woman and we have the upper hand.) Speak up. Speak out. The more you do this the less they want to see you at school! 

I had to do this alone many times for my son! It is frustrating that the school “system” works best for Savy bullies - and men.

Good luck! You can do this! Speak up. Don’t be timid in any way. (Adults prey on the weak just like kids do!) Do not apologize. Put the attention on the school and how they are ignoring this bullying issue.

Find an EDUCATION ADVOCATE.

In America - they are NOT associated with the school district BUT they DO know mediation and the  LAW!  You need one in your corner before that meeting at school. !!!

I had this same issue with our son. Many times. We finally threatened a lawsuit for his school if they didn’t protect our son. All bullying stopped in elementary school.

When my son was older we moved - bullying began again. This time, I told him… if anyone touches you - punch them as hard as you can in the stomach (it doesn’t bruise).  6 months later… the worst bully finally touched my son - and my son beat him good! The entire class cheered my son on. The headmaster said she knew that boy deserved it. I took my son out of school for the day and went for ice cream and we discussed what happened and why it was a ONE TIME good thing.

I’m NOT saying this is what you SHOULD do but… NO-ONE ever bothered my son again! So, it worked!!! He had many friends after that incident in high school! I still don’t regret it.

HOWEVER, today so many parents take legal action… so be careful!  

Hi, I'm sorry to hear that your son is being bullied and that the school is not being more supportive. I don't have any direct advice, but I just wanted to highlight some of the positives here. It is good your son is standing up for himself- I was bullied too at school but I was taught to mainly ignore the bullies which meant that I didn't learn to stand up for myself and just internalised the rejection and hurt, which is not healthy. Of course, hitting the bully is not the most socially acceptable way of dealing with this situation, but your son did appropriately deal with the situation by asking the bully to leave him alone and then by agreeing to and honouring his side of the deal that was made with the help of the staff. He was repeatedly provoked by the other child and then ultimately ended up hitting him. I think the school should be more proactive in their anti-bullying policies and should also support your son in learning alternative ways of dealing with bullies should this happen again (eg. who to approach at school etc.). This doesn't sound like a one sided situation to me at all. I hope that this other child will at least leave your son alone now. 

I've actually often wondered what would have happened if I had defended myself more and possibly even hit the people that bullied me. Would it have stopped the bullies? I don't know but what I do know is that not defending yourself in any way is not good either. I'm not condoning violence in any way. I think the key here is to make sure your son has some other tools and strategies to deal with bullies (eg. also a staff member to raise it too etc). Bullying should not be tolerated at school, it's far too common and often the victims just accept it and suffer. 

Sadly it’s conceivable they’re looking for an excuse to get rid of the autistic student over the bully. The autistic student may seem like more of a liability to the school. Also a charming bully may feel more relatable more likable to the teachers that a basically honest but aggravating autistic child.

It seems to me the problem was that your son was not able to keep away because he was followed. I would ask for a place to be confirmed he could retreat to if followed, like a senior member of staff so he could do this before it becomes too much to cope with. 

Max has left the platform (them/they) said:

He didn't initiate it, he was goaded into it

But he threw the first punch. That is the initiation of violence, not the goading part.

Goading is only verbal and something we are all likely to experience in life but should never respond to it with violence.

These are the values you need to teach, but I know there are reasonable exceptions - the school yard is not one of these exceptions however.

It is a valuable lesson in the consequence of actions, however unfair they may seem. Never throw the first punch but make sure you throw the last one.

He didn't initiate it, he was goaded into it after multiple requests to be left alone. 

Max has left the platform (them/they) said:

why should the child be made to feel that it's his fault?

If the child in question assaulted another child then that is grounds these days. Being autistic is no defence for initiating the physical assault in spite of the provocation.

The school gave clear warnings about what was acceptable and the children both agreed - but the actions they took were of different significances - verbal versus physical.

The child should be trained to bring the interaction to the eyes of witnesses so he can them make a complaint about harrassment - he should also be trained that violence is not acceptable even when he is being goaded by another kid who seems to know how to push his buttons.

Once harrassment has been confirmed then the parents can push the school to have the offending child exluded insted, but that is kind of a moot point now.

In this cancel culture age, violence is one thing that is almost certain to get you cancelled so I would recommend the OP works hard on teaching their child restraint and techniques to avoid it happening again.

to be fair with the amount of times bullies attacked me in school and got away with it, i doubt they can expell him at all unless it was really really serious... like a hospitalisation of the other kid..

otherwise schools turn a blind eye all the time to fights. so expelling over a fight makes no sense at all. unless its a better school with higher standards ofcourse... schools i went to allowed kids to smack each other around lol 

https://www.gov.uk/administrative-appeals-tribunal-decisions/2018-ukut-269-aac-c-c-v-the-governing-body-of-a-school-the-secretary-of-state-for-education-first-interested-party-and-the-national-autistic-society-second-interested-party-sen

its important to remember that him being violent is not a get out of jail free card for them. If he has issues with conflict management they should make reasonable adjustments to help him manage conflict (an escort between lessons maybe?). They can’t expel him for this without justifying it as proportionate and that means demonstrating they have made reasonable adjustments to prevent the violence. (See the case in link)

that’s the line I would take with them in any meeting.

yeah i always got blamed and faulted for everything, despite the fact i always wanted to stick to rules and was stressed at ever getting into trouble so wanted to avoid being told off, despite that i always got dragged to get told off for ***. which eventually just made me stop trying and be rebelistic and skip school. if you try to follow rules then still get punished then you see the rules mean nothing and you then ignore and hate the rules as you abided by them and still got dunked on.

thing is though in that case if a school is like that then its best to remove the child from that school anyway. because its bringing the child up wrong, its instilling a rebel attitude and a hatred for rules when they do that. which you dont want raised into your child. therefore for the betterment of a childs raising its best to avoid schools that punish unfairly and raise your kid to hate rules and their enforcers. rules have to be fair, and fairly enforced. when they are unfairly enforced then that causes alot of problems.

although i suppose the steps then are to challenge the expulsion. to ask for proof of their child attacking the other child. if they have no proof, no witnesses, no camera... then they cant prove it cant they? therefore they cant expell the kid as it isnt provable... so this parent needs to ask for proof. solid evidence, if there is none challenge that and say its hear say, its lies, you cant prove it and so on and therefore its unfair to do this off no evidence. also witness would have to have seen the start of the confrontation. a witness that only saw it mid, fight is not good enough. they need evidence of the start of it.

if there is evidence then you can judge whether its fair or not... 

How difficult it is it for a parent to get a child back into school if they have been excluded from another one? and why should the child be made to feel that it's his fault? I have been at fault for everything in my life and I cannot bear the thought of a child being blamed for their health condition. 

I'm not saying this school is the right place for him but I am saying that if it's made into being his fault that he has been excluded it's going to be a much more difficult path for him and the parents. Plus a child needs their parents to stand up for them, otherwise they will feel unloved at school and at home. 

i dunno it maybe a blessing in disguise to be excluded from that school right?

i mean for one he finally gets seperated from another kid he has issues with so that ends now. and another if the school is wrong then hes good to be getting away from them too as you dont wanna remain in a school that fails to protect you then takes the side of the person that starts it. so it maybe for the best. you can find a better school for him.

The school is not supporting your son properly and what they are doing is trying to make him the perpetrator so they can exclude him so they haven't got to deal with an autistic child in their classrooms. 

My advice would be to go in armed with all the things they have not done to support your child that you have asked, all the times they haven't met his echp, all the times they've left him to defend himself when he's being bullied by others and put the blame squarely back on their door, but politely because if you lose your temper they'll use your behaviour as an example of why your son behaves the same way and again they'll look to suspend or exclude.