Lack of understanding from closest family

We've been experiencing similar with Grandparents to our 13 year old daughter, recently diagnosed as autistic. I think there is simply a huge lack of understanding, or even willingness to believe in autism. It's incredibly frustrating! I also thought that with a diagnosis, we'd get more support and understanding, but have been met with complete unwillingness to accept that the diagnosis is valid. Our main problem is social anxiety and two of the grandparents just don't seem to be able to compute that this is a thing and keep making completely inappropriate suggestions for how we should push her harder to socialise, that it's time for some more 'strong arm' parenting to ensure she doesn't miss vital life lessons (vital to who I wonder?!). And like you, suggestions that we can't let her get away with her preferred behaviour because the adult world doesn't make allowances for people who don't want to socialise at a 'normal' level (says who?!).

Anyway, I'm not sure I've got a lot of advice for dealing with this, but can definitely empathise! I've found it really helpful to just keep recentring myself, reminding myself that I'm doing the right thing by allowing my daughter to have the space to honour her feelings about social situations. It's not like she's always going to find these things impossible, it's just that she needs more time adjusting because her really high sensitivity makes things so much more intense than they are for neuro typicals. Her direct way of speaking means she often sounds rude, but again, she will learn to speak with a gentler tone given time, but is still a child, so can't be expected to get it right straight away. They're just kids being themselves.

I do feel as though our kids need protecting from people who see them as being naughty. I'm torn about the best way to talk to them about this though. I've always said that Grandma is old fashioned and her opinions aren't worth paying attention to, but my daughter loves her Grandma and really finds it hard not to take her opinions seriously. She's found it quite hurtful to hear some of it. Now she's getting older, I just try and keep an open dialogue going with her, try and be really honest about what I think, without insulting her Grandma - just say that she's ill informed and holding outdated opinions, through no fault of her own. She means well, but doesn't understand. What I find harder is how angry it makes me feel, how condescending her view points are, how insulting she is towards us as parents. Some days I can't bear to be anywhere near her. It takes me quite a while to shake off the feeling of being judged and talked down to when I work so hard to try and do the right thing for my daughter. It's certainly a challenge. I don't know if there's any way to win them over and maybe this is the wrong goal to aim for. These days I'm just making it clear what my parenting approach is and I'm trying to care less about whether that meets approval or not.

Having the condition myself, diagnosed later in life, living alone in the U.K. and having similar reactions to the diagnosis from extended family in Ireland, what I’m getting coming through really clearly is that your family members are not only refusing to understand the condition of Autism but they also have the (misguided) belief that Millitary style parental discipline is “the only way” to “correct” the condition of Autism - direct approaches, even in a friendly way, have not fully worked in getting the message through to them about your sons autism, therefore it might be a good idea to get someone who is an expert in the condition to get in contact with them, or you could speak to someone else, preferably in a position of Athority that knows you both, giving them the facts, to get them to speak to your parents on your behalf - they clearly have strong misconceptions about autism that clearly need to be robustly challenged and debunked, given thier obvious refusal to properly understand, despite your best efforts - it’s almost like how when I was growing up in Ireland, the local doctor, police seargant or parish priest was sent for by my parents to make me do what they wanted me to do, by getting the Parish Priest and others to “come and have a little “talk” with me” and to “get around me” to “make” me “cop myself on” and this form of discipline is still used by many families in Ireland to this day

My son also experiences sensory distress with many foods. Many people will never understand the trials and triumphs of raising a child on spectrum. 

My youngest son has always been an incredibly fussy eater. Despite our best efforts he’s always hated vegetables and most healthy foods, which has always worried me as I know the importance of a healthy diet (and the rest of our family eat very healthy foods). 
However I never wanted to cause my son a lot of stress about food, I didn’t want to stop him seeing food as a pleasurable experience and as a source of tension at home. So I’ve had to accept that my son has issues around food that mean his diet will probably never be the healthiest. We try and do what we can, but mainly he will always want things like pizza and chicken etc. And he has a lot of other stresses in his life and the last thing he needs is to add food and eating to that list. He has always been a slightly ‘messy’ eater too - but there obviously reasons for that and it’s important to be patient and kind about that. His happiness and enjoyment of food is much more important than a bit of mess on a table or clothes. It’s a matter of priorities  :)

Hi - I’m really glad it was helpful. They obviously are still struggling to grasp the complexities of your son’s situation (and yours!). 
I think sometimes it’s important to recognise that our parents don’t know what they’re talking about! And to acknowledge their limitations. Obviously keep trying to raise your parents awareness of autism if you want to maintain your relationship with them, but have strong boundaries to protect your son and yourself from your parent’s (I don’t mean to be rude but it has to be said) ignorance about autism. 
Your parents judgemental and highly critical attitude could really harm your son - so always keep his welfare at the heart of the decisions you take regarding your relationship with your parents. Hopefully your parents in time will gain more understanding and compassion - but in the meantime do take care not to let their attitudes cause any distress or harm to you and your son. Follow your instincts x 

Many thanks Kate for the reply. Really helpful advice. I have made my position clear and something has registered however they keep saying, "with this behavio he's not prepared for an adult world". He's 9, for goodness sake! He was diagnosed month ago. I could hardly believe the urgency. Take care.

NAS87800 said:

it can be a struggle getting him to vary or even eat things that previously he seemed to like,

Maybe you can create a sort of visual guide with the foods he likes in the "I can eat this" end of it and on the other "I cannot eat this" end, have the things that are most offputting for him.

I wouldn't go for the "my favourite food" section as that may be a way they use to get the treats more often.

If he has previously put tomato soup in the "I can eat this" part then he would have to articulate why he cannot eat it today before allowing it be be relegated.

Maybe have one meal a week when you introduce new things and ask him to score it out of 5 on things like texture, flavour, colour etc - this may give more of a clue as to specifically he is resisting from eating.

Many thanks for the very kind and encouraging comment. Very helpful. My son offers says that his tongue itches when he eats certain foods and it can be a struggle getting him to vary or even eat things that previously he seemed to like, but we try to be flexible and adapt but when on top of that we get criticism from others it can be quite stressful. I also wish you the very best.

I am sorry to hear of your distressing experience and sadly, I can relate to it as I experienced this myself as a child and adult. I was regarded as a fussy eater and struggled to explain how different textures and flavor's affected me. I still experience this now and it has taken me some time to find foods that I enjoy but others find strange. I do not have an issue with this.

Your son is an amazing person with a different way of seeing the world so please do not let a lack of understanding get you down. Some people understand and others never will. I have more acceptance from strangers than my family. I do not let this affect me nor should you. I wish you both well.  

I’m so sorry that you and your child are experiencing this from your parents. It’s not good enough. Your parents could have a very negative impact on your son if he picks up on their judgemental attitude to him (and by extension to you). 
I think you need to be polite but firm with your parents.

In a friendly way say to them that you’d like to find a good time for them when you can all sit down and have a proper chat about your son’s diagnosis and his needs. Make it known to them that autism is legally defined as a disability. It is accepted as such in law - it’s not just some vague concept that doesn’t mean anything. Your son has needs that many other children don’t have, and if they are not met this can have a very detrimental effect on his ability to thrive and be happy. Presumably your parents love their grandchild and want to do what’s best for him, so in a friendly way  explain to them how they can do that. Explain for example how autism impacts on your son when it comes to food, and how they need to be patient and understanding about that. Maybe buy them a book about autism.

But also make it clear that your son has a right to be around supportive family members, and that an overly judgemental and critical attitude towards him will harm his self esteem and development. It will also make him unhappy, and surely your parents don’t want to make him unhappy? 
If no progress can be made though I would restrict the amount of time your son spends with them, because he deserves better than that from people who are meant to be loving and supportive. Good luck!