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Lack of understanding from closest family

NAS87800

My 9 year old has recently been diagnosed with ASD after having been assumed to have ADHD from a couple of years ago. He has always been neuro divergent and while my parents have often shown a lack of understanding, expecting him simply to "behave", I thought the diagnosis would lead them to change their stance.

The opposite has been the case. We have felt that they continue to be judgmental, accuse him of being "rude" because he is a fussy or sloppy eater and expect me to use harsh discipline for all his tantrums. Even when I told them about his condition they were dismissive. They don't seem to understand it and being with them I feel he is not in a nurturing environment. 

We live in Spain and so returning to the UK sometimes notice a culture shock. In Spain there is less expectation on kids to just do what they are told, smile when they are spoken to and say please and thank you for everything. Over there if I insist he does it, people just shrug it off and say, "let him be". They acknowledge his strengths and encourage him to progress. However over here we feel he is constantly being observed, criticised and of course we, as parents, feel bad, as if they are judging our own parenting skills.

Is this something other people have experienced and can they offer any advice on how to gain greater acceptance or at least understanding of his condition among those closest to us? Thanks.

Parents

  • Having the condition myself, diagnosed later in life, living alone in the U.K. and having similar reactions to the diagnosis from extended family in Ireland, what I’m getting coming through really clearly is that your family members are not only refusing to understand the condition of Autism but they also have the (misguided) belief that Millitary style parental discipline is “the only way” to “correct” the condition of Autism - direct approaches, even in a friendly way, have not fully worked in getting the message through to them about your sons autism, therefore it might be a good idea to get someone who is an expert in the condition to get in contact with them, or you could speak to someone else, preferably in a position of Athority that knows you both, giving them the facts, to get them to speak to your parents on your behalf - they clearly have strong misconceptions about autism that clearly need to be robustly challenged and debunked, given thier obvious refusal to properly understand, despite your best efforts - it’s almost like how when I was growing up in Ireland, the local doctor, police seargant or parish priest was sent for by my parents to make me do what they wanted me to do, by getting the Parish Priest and others to “come and have a little “talk” with me” and to “get around me” to “make” me “cop myself on” and this form of discipline is still used by many families in Ireland to this day

Reply

  • Having the condition myself, diagnosed later in life, living alone in the U.K. and having similar reactions to the diagnosis from extended family in Ireland, what I’m getting coming through really clearly is that your family members are not only refusing to understand the condition of Autism but they also have the (misguided) belief that Millitary style parental discipline is “the only way” to “correct” the condition of Autism - direct approaches, even in a friendly way, have not fully worked in getting the message through to them about your sons autism, therefore it might be a good idea to get someone who is an expert in the condition to get in contact with them, or you could speak to someone else, preferably in a position of Athority that knows you both, giving them the facts, to get them to speak to your parents on your behalf - they clearly have strong misconceptions about autism that clearly need to be robustly challenged and debunked, given thier obvious refusal to properly understand, despite your best efforts - it’s almost like how when I was growing up in Ireland, the local doctor, police seargant or parish priest was sent for by my parents to make me do what they wanted me to do, by getting the Parish Priest and others to “come and have a little “talk” with me” and to “get around me” to “make” me “cop myself on” and this form of discipline is still used by many families in Ireland to this day

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