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Lack of understanding from closest family

NAS87800

My 9 year old has recently been diagnosed with ASD after having been assumed to have ADHD from a couple of years ago. He has always been neuro divergent and while my parents have often shown a lack of understanding, expecting him simply to "behave", I thought the diagnosis would lead them to change their stance.

The opposite has been the case. We have felt that they continue to be judgmental, accuse him of being "rude" because he is a fussy or sloppy eater and expect me to use harsh discipline for all his tantrums. Even when I told them about his condition they were dismissive. They don't seem to understand it and being with them I feel he is not in a nurturing environment. 

We live in Spain and so returning to the UK sometimes notice a culture shock. In Spain there is less expectation on kids to just do what they are told, smile when they are spoken to and say please and thank you for everything. Over there if I insist he does it, people just shrug it off and say, "let him be". They acknowledge his strengths and encourage him to progress. However over here we feel he is constantly being observed, criticised and of course we, as parents, feel bad, as if they are judging our own parenting skills.

Is this something other people have experienced and can they offer any advice on how to gain greater acceptance or at least understanding of his condition among those closest to us? Thanks.

Parents

  • I am sorry to hear of your distressing experience and sadly, I can relate to it as I experienced this myself as a child and adult. I was regarded as a fussy eater and struggled to explain how different textures and flavor's affected me. I still experience this now and it has taken me some time to find foods that I enjoy but others find strange. I do not have an issue with this.

    Your son is an amazing person with a different way of seeing the world so please do not let a lack of understanding get you down. Some people understand and others never will. I have more acceptance from strangers than my family. I do not let this affect me nor should you. I wish you both well.  

  • in reply to LucyLandRover

    Many thanks for the very kind and encouraging comment. Very helpful. My son offers says that his tongue itches when he eats certain foods and it can be a struggle getting him to vary or even eat things that previously he seemed to like, but we try to be flexible and adapt but when on top of that we get criticism from others it can be quite stressful. I also wish you the very best.

  • in reply to NAS87800

    My youngest son has always been an incredibly fussy eater. Despite our best efforts he’s always hated vegetables and most healthy foods, which has always worried me as I know the importance of a healthy diet (and the rest of our family eat very healthy foods). 
    However I never wanted to cause my son a lot of stress about food, I didn’t want to stop him seeing food as a pleasurable experience and as a source of tension at home. So I’ve had to accept that my son has issues around food that mean his diet will probably never be the healthiest. We try and do what we can, but mainly he will always want things like pizza and chicken etc. And he has a lot of other stresses in his life and the last thing he needs is to add food and eating to that list. He has always been a slightly ‘messy’ eater too - but there obviously reasons for that and it’s important to be patient and kind about that. His happiness and enjoyment of food is much more important than a bit of mess on a table or clothes. It’s a matter of priorities  :)

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  • in reply to NAS87800

    My youngest son has always been an incredibly fussy eater. Despite our best efforts he’s always hated vegetables and most healthy foods, which has always worried me as I know the importance of a healthy diet (and the rest of our family eat very healthy foods). 
    However I never wanted to cause my son a lot of stress about food, I didn’t want to stop him seeing food as a pleasurable experience and as a source of tension at home. So I’ve had to accept that my son has issues around food that mean his diet will probably never be the healthiest. We try and do what we can, but mainly he will always want things like pizza and chicken etc. And he has a lot of other stresses in his life and the last thing he needs is to add food and eating to that list. He has always been a slightly ‘messy’ eater too - but there obviously reasons for that and it’s important to be patient and kind about that. His happiness and enjoyment of food is much more important than a bit of mess on a table or clothes. It’s a matter of priorities  :)

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