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Cassandra Disorder?

timewarpbunny

Hi there,

This is my first post on the forum, so be gentle.

2 years ago my wonderful little girl was diagnosed with Aspergers at age 3. She is a happy, affectionate and outgoing little girl, my little whirlwind. During the process of diagnosis both myself and the professionals dealing with my little girl started to notice Aspergers traits in my husband. One in fact asked me if he'd been diagnosed. I hadn't realised it myself but putting all the pieces together I realised he was.

He was happy with this realisation having always felt different and like an outsider, he didn't have to pretend anymore because he had a name for it. Since then, my life has fallen apart. He is cold, shows no affection, is verbally aggressive, keeps himself to himself and rarely takes part in family life. Our children annoy him and he can't cope with them. His special interest is cars and he has become a self employed mobile mechanic. I try to employ a lot of the things I learned in Earlybird to my husband, such as preparation, icebergs etc. Nothing helps, it's like he's determined to just be who he is and not make the effort at all. I know he can do it because he used to do it. It's like since he realised what he is, he has free reign to behave how he wants. He doesn't care if he hurts me.

I have never felt so lonely despite being surrounded by a very busy household. I have no emotional reciprocation from my husband. I don't even feel married anymore. I took off my wedding ring 2 weeks ago and he hasn't noticed. I'm depressed, anxious and have no self esteem at all. I'm a shadow of the person I used to be. I am at the stage where I am seriously considering divorce. I'd mention this to him, but it wouldn't make any difference. He wouldn't fight for our marriage. He'd shrug his shoulders and walk away. I love him to pieces and I want him to love me back, like he used to. Where do I go from here?

 

TWB

 

 

 

  • Hi,really sorry to hear your struggling so much with your husband.I know from struggling with my husband just how VERY hard it is,I feel im going mad sometimes and nobody understands.It would be helpfull to see someone you can both talk to that knows about asd,I have been in contact with Maxine Ashton who helps couples like us,some people have slated her for speaking out on how hard it is to be married to someone with asd and upset people with asd.I understand people with asd might find some of it hurtful and have tried not to cause hurt or upset as best as I can but it is very hard on us too,with many of us having children with asd in my case two boys who I love to bits and have faught teeth and nail for as well as my husband.I care very much about people with asd,they have alot to deal with in every aspect of life and so many people just have not got a clue including doctors and our goverment.But we have needs to,and can be very lonely and hurtful to get nothing back,we must try and help eachother.Tanya

  • I do know how you feel, although my situation is different in some ways. 

    My partner is awaiting assessment but is embracing his differences in another way. 

    However I do understand how 'you become a shadow of your former self' because I know I have done the same over the last 7 years. I am not as sociable and avoid parties and get togethers ..my friends have dwindled away and I feel lonely.

    Have you seen the book 'Aspergers couples work book'..it's easy and quick to read when your resources are low and I found it helped me understand my partner better. There are more longer and more involved books out there but when you are tired and low this is a nice one to look at.

    I agree with the above that the car booting purchases were an attempt to show you he cared...so he could be trying to reach out here. I always find it hard to know when to talk to my partner and when to leave things for him to reflect on.

    One person said to me that sometimes with diagnosis a whole series of hurts can resurface as the person thinks back over past 'injustices' where they were judged harshly or misunderstood.

    I think this is true for both the ASD and NT partners...a mixture of relief and pain. But you are not alone and I hope you now feel like you have a release by using the forum.

    Please let us know how you are doing and do speak to your GP about how YOU are feeling too.

    Kindest regards

    x

  • I think it is a measure of how low you are right now that you could even let yourself think that anyone would consider you to be 'an ungrateful so and so'. You are feeling hurt (and it may be that your husband is feeling hurt too) and I really hope that you'll both find a path to a happier time.

    How frustrating to have got as far as getting the appointment with the psych arranged, only for your husband to not take it any further.

    I think the fact that he can do something like buy things for you and children is encouraging. I may have things totally wrong here, but I wonder if he thought that by buying those things he was showing you that he does care and felt that he'd earned some 'time off'. I'm certainly not saying that spending the rest of the day on the xbox was the right thing to do, but I wonder whether that's how he saw things?

    I think you are being totally reasonable in wanting him to meet you half way. I wonder if he needs to hear that. Not said as an ultimatum, but said from the point of view of, well, I guess, fairness. Do you think he might respond positively if you tried to negotiate some sort of agreement over a small issue - something you want/something he wants. Have you thought about speaking to someone on the NAS Helpline (0808 800 4104)? They might be able to give you advice about ways of getting through to him, and also perhaps ways of getting help for him. 

    Which also makes me wonder, are there other people out there whose partners have been diagnosed late in life who you could talk to about your and their experiences?

    I've just found this link on the NAS website, which might be of help:

    http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/parents-relatives-and-carers/partners.aspx

    To be honest, I've not had a chance to read the information yet, but if it's as useful as some of the leaflets on the website I think you'll at least not feel so alone.

    Sorry if I've thrown lots of things at you as suggestions for what you can do (people do say I'm a bit bossy!). I hope you'll just take what you want and ignore the rest, and as I said at the start, I hope you find a path to a happier time.

     

     

     

     

  • You have both been very helpful, thank you. JW I did actually cry a little reading your reply as it's a relief to have someone understand and not just think i'm an ungrateful so and so.

    He has agreed to get a formal diagnosis but it's down to me to do all the leg work and I don't have the energy at the moment. I got as far as getting him to the GP who agreed with me and referred him to the psych - when that appointment came through I left it up to him but he never took it further.

    He can be brilliant, like this morning he went to the carboot sale and bought things that the children and I really wanted, but for the rest of the day has shut himself in our bedroom to play on his xbox, he doesn't want to take part in anything.

    I DO love him immensely and I know our relationship will never be a conventional one, but I firmly believe he needs to meet me half way when it comes to our wants and needs.

  • So sorry to hear about the situation you are in. It must be very painful for you; loving your husband but being met with coldness and verbal aggression. I really feel for you. I think you both need to consider getting some support - individually and, if possible, together. If he hasn't actually got an official diagnosis, perhaps he'd go for one and then through that receive the support he needs to come to terms with the diagnosis. You need support to lift your depression, anxiety and self-esteem. Do you have an understanding GP who could refer you to a counsellor? If that doesn't appeal, could you turn to a close friend or family member? I think you need to be listened to - at length. Be helped to find the person you used to be. I sense that if you felt stronger in yourself and your husband understood his diagnosis better, then these could be the first steps to repairing your marriage.

    I hope my words are of some help.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Could NAS comment on this?

    When I was diagnosed I was told some adults have their diagnosis with-held, depending on whether it is perceived they can handle it. I was told, I understood, because I already had good coping strategies, and was able to respond to the diagnosis by improving those strategies.

    From a helping point of view, I've always understood autism spectrum to be one area we need to handle very carefully - if we suspect someone is on the spectrum but undiagnosed, we cannot just go saying it, we generally cannot say anything.

    However since the Autism Act and the greater publicity you find a lot more people self-diagnosing, often in situations like this where other members of the family identify symptoms.

    What Timewarpbunny is describing is someone having an adverse reaction to self diagnosis. They aren't coping well. Could there be some guidance about this on the NAS website?