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Cassandra Disorder?

timewarpbunny

Hi there,

This is my first post on the forum, so be gentle.

2 years ago my wonderful little girl was diagnosed with Aspergers at age 3. She is a happy, affectionate and outgoing little girl, my little whirlwind. During the process of diagnosis both myself and the professionals dealing with my little girl started to notice Aspergers traits in my husband. One in fact asked me if he'd been diagnosed. I hadn't realised it myself but putting all the pieces together I realised he was.

He was happy with this realisation having always felt different and like an outsider, he didn't have to pretend anymore because he had a name for it. Since then, my life has fallen apart. He is cold, shows no affection, is verbally aggressive, keeps himself to himself and rarely takes part in family life. Our children annoy him and he can't cope with them. His special interest is cars and he has become a self employed mobile mechanic. I try to employ a lot of the things I learned in Earlybird to my husband, such as preparation, icebergs etc. Nothing helps, it's like he's determined to just be who he is and not make the effort at all. I know he can do it because he used to do it. It's like since he realised what he is, he has free reign to behave how he wants. He doesn't care if he hurts me.

I have never felt so lonely despite being surrounded by a very busy household. I have no emotional reciprocation from my husband. I don't even feel married anymore. I took off my wedding ring 2 weeks ago and he hasn't noticed. I'm depressed, anxious and have no self esteem at all. I'm a shadow of the person I used to be. I am at the stage where I am seriously considering divorce. I'd mention this to him, but it wouldn't make any difference. He wouldn't fight for our marriage. He'd shrug his shoulders and walk away. I love him to pieces and I want him to love me back, like he used to. Where do I go from here?

 

TWB

 

 

 

Parents

  • I think it is a measure of how low you are right now that you could even let yourself think that anyone would consider you to be 'an ungrateful so and so'. You are feeling hurt (and it may be that your husband is feeling hurt too) and I really hope that you'll both find a path to a happier time.

    How frustrating to have got as far as getting the appointment with the psych arranged, only for your husband to not take it any further.

    I think the fact that he can do something like buy things for you and children is encouraging. I may have things totally wrong here, but I wonder if he thought that by buying those things he was showing you that he does care and felt that he'd earned some 'time off'. I'm certainly not saying that spending the rest of the day on the xbox was the right thing to do, but I wonder whether that's how he saw things?

    I think you are being totally reasonable in wanting him to meet you half way. I wonder if he needs to hear that. Not said as an ultimatum, but said from the point of view of, well, I guess, fairness. Do you think he might respond positively if you tried to negotiate some sort of agreement over a small issue - something you want/something he wants. Have you thought about speaking to someone on the NAS Helpline (0808 800 4104)? They might be able to give you advice about ways of getting through to him, and also perhaps ways of getting help for him. 

    Which also makes me wonder, are there other people out there whose partners have been diagnosed late in life who you could talk to about your and their experiences?

    I've just found this link on the NAS website, which might be of help:

    http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/parents-relatives-and-carers/partners.aspx

    To be honest, I've not had a chance to read the information yet, but if it's as useful as some of the leaflets on the website I think you'll at least not feel so alone.

    Sorry if I've thrown lots of things at you as suggestions for what you can do (people do say I'm a bit bossy!). I hope you'll just take what you want and ignore the rest, and as I said at the start, I hope you find a path to a happier time.

     

     

     

     

Reply

  • I think it is a measure of how low you are right now that you could even let yourself think that anyone would consider you to be 'an ungrateful so and so'. You are feeling hurt (and it may be that your husband is feeling hurt too) and I really hope that you'll both find a path to a happier time.

    How frustrating to have got as far as getting the appointment with the psych arranged, only for your husband to not take it any further.

    I think the fact that he can do something like buy things for you and children is encouraging. I may have things totally wrong here, but I wonder if he thought that by buying those things he was showing you that he does care and felt that he'd earned some 'time off'. I'm certainly not saying that spending the rest of the day on the xbox was the right thing to do, but I wonder whether that's how he saw things?

    I think you are being totally reasonable in wanting him to meet you half way. I wonder if he needs to hear that. Not said as an ultimatum, but said from the point of view of, well, I guess, fairness. Do you think he might respond positively if you tried to negotiate some sort of agreement over a small issue - something you want/something he wants. Have you thought about speaking to someone on the NAS Helpline (0808 800 4104)? They might be able to give you advice about ways of getting through to him, and also perhaps ways of getting help for him. 

    Which also makes me wonder, are there other people out there whose partners have been diagnosed late in life who you could talk to about your and their experiences?

    I've just found this link on the NAS website, which might be of help:

    http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/parents-relatives-and-carers/partners.aspx

    To be honest, I've not had a chance to read the information yet, but if it's as useful as some of the leaflets on the website I think you'll at least not feel so alone.

    Sorry if I've thrown lots of things at you as suggestions for what you can do (people do say I'm a bit bossy!). I hope you'll just take what you want and ignore the rest, and as I said at the start, I hope you find a path to a happier time.

     

     

     

     

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