Poor self image

It's quite telling she feels safe around you! Way to be the best mum 

Here's a practical fix: Beauty is HARD WORK. It requires learning manners and growing one's character, integration of my deepest truths (below what seems true) and my actions/ words. It requires intentionality, as well - learning to reason, interrogating my bias and learning that Pause which a yoga class can teach us in a moment to reconnect to our vulnerable self, give what is appropriate and afford dignity in what we do.

But it's more than this in a society which judges on first impression. It can take years to find the right colouring and countless magazines to find the right style. One could go to the library and start to exhume the shapes and forms of the last 100 centuries of designers. And once you have torn a hundred pages or photo copied them and taped them to the wall, the exhausting problem of navigating charity shops and budgeting for a few pieces from boutiques can take more time than imagined. But this is how the head of a wardrobe department works. 

And then it's make up. Which I'd have never managed on my own. Discovering one doesn't need much. But brows need waxing and a hair cut shapes or ruins the face. If you can, spend time with different make up artists. Play with features and shapes.

Both can happen simultaneously. Internally and external. Maintain hydration, take a supplement, eat for your health not anyone else's. And self help is good. But indulging in philosophy and art is better.  Self help only matters if it contains practical advice and ancient wisdom. The Artists Way and https://www.themarginalian.org/ can be a useful start.

I think most, if not all, humans are beautiful. Tell her it's the personality that matters most. That's the more important part of what makes someone beautiful.

Thank you that's good advice

Maybe ask her what she would change about her appearance if she could? She might have specific things that could be easily changed (hair length/ style/ colour etc). Maybe she doesn’t even know exactly what it is about her appearance that she doesn’t like, and asking her to break down such a big statement down might either result in more specifics that you can address with her, or she might realise if there is nothing specific that it is actually a more fundamental ‘uncomfortable’ feeling she has in her own skin. In this care, this might be more of a professional help issue. 

Thank you. That's good advice. She does need people who understand and can relate to the way she feels. I'll certainly try to empathise rather than contradict her.  I'm glad your pets are supportive  to you and that you've found the right people to be in contact with too. Many Thanks 

I do use pets as a coping mechanism, and they are a great comfort. I got a dog when I was a teenager who is still with me, and now that I live on my own I also have some ferrets (and plan to expand my zoo once I move).

Having something that really doesn't care what you look like at any given time and loves you unconditionally is always a soothing thing, because even the most irrational of fears about your looks is pretty non existent with an animal - you can't convince yourself a dog is going to care what you look like.

Is there anything specifically she doesn't like about herself? Something that I've always struggled with, is that while I do think acceptance and body positivity is a beautiful thing - it annoys me when its pushed onto me. I would never judge or bully someone else for their appearance, and will often envy how people not too disimilar from myself look. It's just that I want to look a specific way, and therefore can't just settle for something I never asked for.

I know it can sound entirely irrational to others, and believe me I do have friends I speak to online frequently wanting to meet up after years of knowing eachother and insisting they don't care and I know they wouldn't care how I look. But its entirely how I feel about myself, and it sounds like your daughter feels the same way.

I think it can be even worse in the current climate due to social media blowing up and things like facetune and filters being the norm. Influencers are really out of hand and any time I dip my toe into social media or the thousands of makeup gurus or unrealistic standards out there I'm totally blown away.

Nothing has ever really worked to distract me from this, I'm comfortable living with my pets but I still long to get to that "stage" of being how I want to be, though my health prevents it.

I think a big help would actually be for her to find people who understand how she feels that she can talk to, because I can say from my own personal experience that my mental health has greatly improved since learning I'm autistic & joining this community/speaking to others who understand me and therefore being able to finally understand myself.

Thanks for sharing this. She's told me it's not bullying and just that she doesn't like how she looks. Like you, it doesn't help to tell her she's beautiful/ pretty etc as she says that it doesn't matter what I think it's what she thinks that matters. Has anyone ever been able to shift your focus away from looks? This is the only practical thing I can think to do - provide a distraction, perhaps a pet. 

It may not necessarily be bullying - I say this because I was that girl, and still am. I haven't been out in over 10 years out of the fear of being seen and hating myself for how I look. I never had people tell me I look bad, in fact when all of it began I was generally found attractive by people around me. It can be a completely internal and personal feeling rather than one imposed by others.

I don't like how I look, and thats why I don't want to be seen. It's not so much that others haven't liked it, but that I don't look the way I want to and therefore don't want people to perceive me in this state? I'm currently still dealing with it and may be for the foreseeable future. I have a lot of health problems that have always prevented me from being the way I've wanted to be, and I have actively fought against them for my entire life.

It isn't healthy, for sure. I'm not really sure what to suggest to help her as I'm in the same boat.

It could be worth trying to find out why exactly she is concerned about how she looks, is it because of how she personally feels about herself or is it bullying - is it because she wants to look a certain way that she feels she can't, etc.

Telling her that there isn't anything wrong with how she looks will most likely not even help, because it never did with me and even people actively complimenting me just made me even more upset rather than feel better - because at the end of the day, I still didn't like what I saw, even if others didn't see the same.

Thanks for this. She's never admitted to bullying, but it does seem likely. Throughout her childhood  we've always read  about positive female role models,  'Good Night stories for rebel girls,' 'Women in science' etc to promote that women's actions  and behaviours are more important than what they look like. I agree that she'll have to take some action herself too. 

Gonna break this into chunks to make it easier to read what I'm referring to specifically.

Merida said:

She's a teenager and really concerned about how she looks.

Sounds about typical unfortunately. I think more girls and young women need to be surrounded by lots of different representation of body types because the glossy mags and social media filters all justtake a very narrow view of beauty and crank it up to 11 and make young women feel like they are unvalued when they fall short of these unrealistic standards.
She needs to especially be exposed to rolemodels who don't conform to those standards and put other aspects of their life first, and be able to see that women can be valued for their minds and deeds rather than their looks.

Merida said:

She won't leave the house because she doesn't want to be seen. She won't talk to a counsellor and tells me that I am her counsellor. I have bought lots of self help books and suggested websites but she says that those make her cringe. 

It sounds like she has been bullied for how she looks because that is quite a strong traumatic response.
Unfortunately she only thinks things are cringe because she's a teenager ("cringe" is a concept that doesn't exist beyond as a means to shame anything that is perceived as "not normal") it's peer pressure to believe in cringe, cringe doesn't really exist, and she is going to have to have that explained to her and told the facts because if your options are assisted (doesn't matter if it's a therapist or a book written by a therapist) self help or no help, and she is chosing not to accept the help then there is no magic want you mum can wave to make her feel better. Explain you know it sucks and you'll always listen to here but your empathy can only go so far before she has to come out the other side and start making steps to mentally fight back herself because if she never fights back then she will never get out of that pit.

Did you read just the title?