Poor self image

It may not necessarily be bullying - I say this because I was that girl, and still am. I haven't been out in over 10 years out of the fear of being seen and hating myself for how I look. I never had people tell me I look bad, in fact when all of it began I was generally found attractive by people around me. It can be a completely internal and personal feeling rather than one imposed by others.

I don't like how I look, and thats why I don't want to be seen. It's not so much that others haven't liked it, but that I don't look the way I want to and therefore don't want people to perceive me in this state? I'm currently still dealing with it and may be for the foreseeable future. I have a lot of health problems that have always prevented me from being the way I've wanted to be, and I have actively fought against them for my entire life.

It isn't healthy, for sure. I'm not really sure what to suggest to help her as I'm in the same boat.

It could be worth trying to find out why exactly she is concerned about how she looks, is it because of how she personally feels about herself or is it bullying - is it because she wants to look a certain way that she feels she can't, etc.

Telling her that there isn't anything wrong with how she looks will most likely not even help, because it never did with me and even people actively complimenting me just made me even more upset rather than feel better - because at the end of the day, I still didn't like what I saw, even if others didn't see the same.

Thanks for sharing this. She's told me it's not bullying and just that she doesn't like how she looks. Like you, it doesn't help to tell her she's beautiful/ pretty etc as she says that it doesn't matter what I think it's what she thinks that matters. Has anyone ever been able to shift your focus away from looks? This is the only practical thing I can think to do - provide a distraction, perhaps a pet. 

Thanks for sharing this. She's told me it's not bullying and just that she doesn't like how she looks. Like you, it doesn't help to tell her she's beautiful/ pretty etc as she says that it doesn't matter what I think it's what she thinks that matters. Has anyone ever been able to shift your focus away from looks? This is the only practical thing I can think to do - provide a distraction, perhaps a pet. 

Thank you. That's good advice. She does need people who understand and can relate to the way she feels. I'll certainly try to empathise rather than contradict her.  I'm glad your pets are supportive  to you and that you've found the right people to be in contact with too. Many Thanks 

I do use pets as a coping mechanism, and they are a great comfort. I got a dog when I was a teenager who is still with me, and now that I live on my own I also have some ferrets (and plan to expand my zoo once I move).

Having something that really doesn't care what you look like at any given time and loves you unconditionally is always a soothing thing, because even the most irrational of fears about your looks is pretty non existent with an animal - you can't convince yourself a dog is going to care what you look like.

Is there anything specifically she doesn't like about herself? Something that I've always struggled with, is that while I do think acceptance and body positivity is a beautiful thing - it annoys me when its pushed onto me. I would never judge or bully someone else for their appearance, and will often envy how people not too disimilar from myself look. It's just that I want to look a specific way, and therefore can't just settle for something I never asked for.

I know it can sound entirely irrational to others, and believe me I do have friends I speak to online frequently wanting to meet up after years of knowing eachother and insisting they don't care and I know they wouldn't care how I look. But its entirely how I feel about myself, and it sounds like your daughter feels the same way.

I think it can be even worse in the current climate due to social media blowing up and things like facetune and filters being the norm. Influencers are really out of hand and any time I dip my toe into social media or the thousands of makeup gurus or unrealistic standards out there I'm totally blown away.

Nothing has ever really worked to distract me from this, I'm comfortable living with my pets but I still long to get to that "stage" of being how I want to be, though my health prevents it.

I think a big help would actually be for her to find people who understand how she feels that she can talk to, because I can say from my own personal experience that my mental health has greatly improved since learning I'm autistic & joining this community/speaking to others who understand me and therefore being able to finally understand myself.