bad mum

I am very confused by your post, it's unclear who you are in relation to the parents of the girl, why you were/are living with the family and if you have an relationship to the girl.  Difficult to offer advice without being clear on the situation.

 I've been told to 'BUT OUT' now that mum is taking over supporting girl and I mean girl nicely whom I have just after 3 years managed to achieve NHS referral. Mum and my partner DAD never felt the need to seek support as she just presented over the years with various diverse issues. School didn't help but apparently nursery observed an inability to integrate at the age of 3. I feel so frustrated that nobody has tackled these issues. We now have a girl who lives with dad not mum and literally exists. She has one friend a considerably older man with apparent adhd, there is no constant motivation, support, teaching, nothing. Dad has now acknowledged his connection with the spectrum and is seeking help with anxiety, I had to move out as the tension became too much for all considered. My tantrum is I want her in her own place fully supported so we can help her develop and to be honest so I can focus on poor dad. Together they create an atmosphere of co existence but then scream every few weeks when tensions come to a head. Mum has no room, she has considered removing her because of my persistance in seeking help but not actually done it. She asked when they attended the hospital......'so why do we need to come here, we have a diagnosis what is this for?' I believe she is embarrassed by her daughter and I know I have been blamed for opening a can of worms but surely I'm not that bad? oh by the way girl, is 25 years old.

thank you all for your comments. As far as keeping him happy i am like any parent and want to see him happy. however i will not bend over backwards to do so. harsh i know but he can't have what he wants when he wants it. and that is part of the problem. i feel it is like havng a 2 year old in an 11 year old boy as far as this goes. i am trying to teach him that there are consequeces to his actions. if he does something that is behaviour that is unacceptable in my eyes he looses a privelage ie his time on the xbox. he accepts this for half the day and thinks that is good enough. when he has been told that it is gone all day. to which the melt downs begin, but i can't give in as that tells him he is in charge of the situation when clearly he is not.

My response would be, in light of what I've said above, find out what causes his underlying stress, and see if, by means of explaining things, giving reassurance etc., you can reduce the pressure he is under.

This "treading on eggshells" for fear of setting off small triggers is all wrong (to me, at any rate - my perspective is limited on this).

Before we had diagnosis in childhood, when all sorts of horrible treatments were being deployed, because the scientists thought it was early onset schizophrenia, and such-like, young people on the spectrum certainly werent being kept happy all the time.

The theory behind intervention in childhood is to try to reduce the environmental injury, and its long term effects, as well as to help young people prepare to cope better in adulthood (whether indeed that's realistic).

I'm not sure that just trying to keep someone happy all the time is addressing the real issues.

Hi - good advice from the other posters.  I'm wondering..... so could you explain as it might help other replie.....the phrase "if he's happy and getting everything he wants everything's fine".  I'm asking because, like you, if my son's happy then I'm happy.  But, if you have to go to the "ends of the earth" to make him happy, then the opposite can happen to you and/or others.  I've known a few families who've literally done whatever it takes to try to keep their autistic child, even when they're physically an adult, "happy", to the point where their own lives, needs, wishes etc are completely sidelined at best.  It can get out of hand.  Sorry if I'm on the wrong track here but it can be a "vicious circle" and incredibly difficult to maintain, apart from the fact it sometimes doesn't result in the "happiness" everyone was aiming for.  Again, if I'm mistaken then I apologise.  It's just that it can sometimes, bit by bit, happen and then it's dificult to get a balance back.

My theory, which I cannot provide endorsement for, is that meltdowns are a "last straw" response to underlying pressure, so it is likely to be little things that trigger meltdowns, but much bigger things "below the surface" that make the little things into triggers.

A more appropriate approach, rather than trying to avoid little things (that metaphor "walking on eggshells" might fit here), is to find out about the underlying stresses (but I have to keep saying this is just my theory).

Do you know what is happening at school, and does he talk about this at all?  He may be going over issues with socialising and mixing with his peers, and because he will be slower at following the nuances and inflexions of dialogue, he will misunderstand things. Indeed his peers, realising he misunderstands, may be feeding him "lines" they know he'll worry over.

I've seen it said several times in here by parents, that their children fear being killed at school. Of course kids use exaggerated language all the time, without really thinking out what they say - "I'm going to kill you in a minute" means they are getting angry or annoyed, not that they are actually going to kill but a young person on the spectrum may have difficulty in rationalising that threat.

They may also try to trigger meltdowns. That's what happened to me almost my entire schooling. I've not had much bother with meltdowns outside of that, but my sensitivity to loud or sudden noise or sudden movement, done often enough, triggered an entertaining reaction. I was constantly at high stress, so it didn't take much to push me over the edge.

Based on my own experience, I wish I could convey to parents that they should not read too much into little incidents, which are probably not themselves the cause, but instead look deeper at why meltdowns are recurring.

My eldest, just turned 12 has used the same sentence on me, that I am ruining her life getting her assessed.  But as their mums we can see things they will need that they can't.

My daughter just started school (having been home-educated for 3 years) and has been cracking up under the responsibility, issues understanding what people mean, social things, so she needs the right support.  They may hate it now, but one day will understand.  It's not as if they need to go round broadcasting that they have an ASC, it's their choice who they disclose it to, although of course the school need to know.