School refusal - when is enough enough??

My daughter is the same. It's difficult for both of you and everyone in the family. This isn't going to go away quickly or easily so be kind to both of you and prioritise YOUR and your daughters mental health. I always made it clear that it was HER decision and words that I conveyed to the school as to why she could not attend and maybe I was lucky but on the whole have been on the same side with the school and authorities in working to find a solution. She has never wanted to go to school and she still doesn't (she's 15 this year). In the early days it was a case of trying to support her and identifying "the problem" and now it is trying to support her in the best way possible each day. So for example she will go in for her music lesson but the day before and the day after can be a tough and despite her "loving" the 1 hour session, still doesn't enable her to "just decide" she likes school and go in every day. Her issues are real even if we can't fix them or put a name to them. Our job as a parent is to support her and to help communicate her needs as best we can. In reality I fall short of being able to do what I would like to as a parent and that is tough to accept. I have to pat myself on the back anyway - for trying! You need to do the same. She is very lucky to have you and someone who cares and is there for her. All the best. x

Luckily, my daughters school managed to help, as to start with I just had the attendance officer moaning at me. After speaking to the SEND lady, we were able to come up with a profile for my daughter, stating what she can and can’t do. Of course still going in wasn’t ideal, as she had a lot of things she didn’t tolerate,  but she was able to get a timeout card, so she could leave a lesson any time she pleased. She was able to work alone, and not be forced into group work. She was able to stay in at lunch and break in a quiet classroom, she wore ear defenders until people made fun of her, she didn’t get penalised for not attending, she was able to stay late and do her homework (couldn’t concentrate at home), she was allowed to wear trainers (sensory issue with school shoes) and a few other things. It really did make a difference though.

Your daughter hasn’t hit high school yet where the changes and nose and stimulation is 100 times worse. Some mainstream schools are very good, others not so start your research now. Children struggle to attend ‘special’ school too, which many parents don’t think about.

The key is to find out exactly what she finds most difficult, and what would make her day go smoother. The complete ability to wind down or stim when she gets home is equally as important. She might not know what self stimulation works for her (if any), so you’ll need to work with her to identify her needs,

I think a special school is a really good idea. I have worked in them and they are just so much more sensory friendly, most of them have sensory calming rooms for when she gets overwhelmed and the classes are much smaller and teachers are trained to deal with our needs

My mom homeschooled me and we certainly had our ups and downs in our relationship, Im not gonna lie, but at the same time I look back on that time now and I am grateful for a lot of it. I learned so much more than I would have learned in school and I think it taught me to be an individual and be myself. I also had some really valuable friendships with other home schooled children and there were social groups for us to meet up and do joint activities 

I think a special school is our next move. Once the Easter holidays are over I’m going to look at a few. I’ll need the ehcp though before I can get her in anywhere. I would homeschool but I’m so worried I’d be terrible and would harm my relationship with her even more 

That so true! I couldn’t work in an office like that. In her classroom there’s so much stuff all over the walls and hanging from the ceiling - nightmare. 

Exactly that. Her mental health has really deteriorated and she can’t leave the house at the moment because of her anxiety. I think you’ve done the right thing. Good luck with the ehcp too

there Are so many unfortunately. The school has been trying to address each thing but it’s definitely not getting better no matter what they try 

Thank you I’ll have a look at that

I was homeschooled but working in schools I cant imagine what it must be like for autistic kids. 

Can she not get into a special needs school? That might be a lot easier for her. If not then homeschooling is an option if you feel able to do it

Eventually schools will realize just how much it is costing them to have busy  Autistic unfriendly classrooms which then require special provision to make up for it. A bit like removing all the wheelchair slopes and then employing someone to lift the kids in wheelchairs up all the steps. Nobody, autistic or not, could work properly in a noisy and busy office so why expect our children to do so. They hope been told to make classrooms "exiting" so think this means busy.  

My child is not going to school, we are looking into alternatives for them.   

They were mainstream but now unable to handle it, due to it being:

• Too busy. 
• Too noisy. Can't hear the teacher.  Distracted by other children being too near to them, wont ask for tasks to be repeated if not heard. 
• Bullying. 
• Their Anxiety, etc.

We are liaising with the school about alternative provisions and the SEN support staff are amazing with our child. The head SENCo is another matter - waste of space.     

We had the most horrific meltdowns going into school.   Extreme anxiety at night.  We decided we couldn't do that to them.  Their mental health was deteriorating.  We are now in the process of getting an EHCP for our child too.  

Have you tried asking her what the real problem is?

You are by no means alone. This is repeated across the country (and perhaps world). Although it is supposed to be just for Cambridgeshire you would be more than welcome to join one of the Zoom meetings about this at Pinpoint Cambridgeshire ( see https://www.pinpoint-cambs.org.uk/pinpoint-events/ ). The Friday "Tii Hib" is particularly good as it is just parents talking to parents (no professionals allowed). No need to mention where you live!