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School refusal - when is enough enough??

NAS82507

My 8 year old daughter who is autistic has been really struggling to go to school this academic year, so since September.

For nearly two years (since schools went back post-pandemic) there’s been a gradual increase in her anxiety about going to school, starting with constantly feeling sick and culminating in two terms of panic attacks and refusal to go to school. 

We have been trying to make sure she goes in so the refusal doesn’t escalate (which has been against my gut feeling) but at the end of last term she reached total burnout and just couldn’t go in. Or when she did she was in such a state I had to go and get her. 

The school are very well-meaning but when do you just say enough is enough? The poor thing is getting totally traumatised, I can’t even say the word ‘school’ without her getting really distressed. 

Maybe in writing this I’ve convinced myself that sitting out next term would be a good idea but it seems like such a drastic move. 

I’d love to hear any advice from anyone who has been through similar, both autistic and carers. Thank you

Parents

  • My daughter is the same. It's difficult for both of you and everyone in the family. This isn't going to go away quickly or easily so be kind to both of you and prioritise YOUR and your daughters mental health. I always made it clear that it was HER decision and words that I conveyed to the school as to why she could not attend and maybe I was lucky but on the whole have been on the same side with the school and authorities in working to find a solution. She has never wanted to go to school and she still doesn't (she's 15 this year). In the early days it was a case of trying to support her and identifying "the problem" and now it is trying to support her in the best way possible each day. So for example she will go in for her music lesson but the day before and the day after can be a tough and despite her "loving" the 1 hour session, still doesn't enable her to "just decide" she likes school and go in every day. Her issues are real even if we can't fix them or put a name to them. Our job as a parent is to support her and to help communicate her needs as best we can. In reality I fall short of being able to do what I would like to as a parent and that is tough to accept. I have to pat myself on the back anyway - for trying! You need to do the same. She is very lucky to have you and someone who cares and is there for her. All the best. x

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  • My daughter is the same. It's difficult for both of you and everyone in the family. This isn't going to go away quickly or easily so be kind to both of you and prioritise YOUR and your daughters mental health. I always made it clear that it was HER decision and words that I conveyed to the school as to why she could not attend and maybe I was lucky but on the whole have been on the same side with the school and authorities in working to find a solution. She has never wanted to go to school and she still doesn't (she's 15 this year). In the early days it was a case of trying to support her and identifying "the problem" and now it is trying to support her in the best way possible each day. So for example she will go in for her music lesson but the day before and the day after can be a tough and despite her "loving" the 1 hour session, still doesn't enable her to "just decide" she likes school and go in every day. Her issues are real even if we can't fix them or put a name to them. Our job as a parent is to support her and to help communicate her needs as best we can. In reality I fall short of being able to do what I would like to as a parent and that is tough to accept. I have to pat myself on the back anyway - for trying! You need to do the same. She is very lucky to have you and someone who cares and is there for her. All the best. x

Children
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